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Postby 55555 » Sat Aug 04, 2007 1:27 am

I don't know whether this is actually me asking for help or me writing down things that might help me start seeing more clearly...if possible.

My life is rubbish. i'm sick of being the rock of my family who keeps it together because in my head i dont actually feel sane.#

Last year my middle sisters boyfriend decided he had had enough of this world and committed suicide. I wasn't there for my sister at first because i couldn't understand what was going on in my own head yet alone looking after her so it was left up to my parents and our older sister. I felt so rubbish that i wasnt there that i decided to be her rock the thing in her life so stable that she could trust. my life got put on hold which didnt bother me!!!

things were just getting back to normal and i had finally decided what i wanted from life and i met a decent bloke but i couldn't trust him and it ended. my oldest sister fell pregnant and i took the descion to ensure her business ran properly meanin my life was put on hold again. Then the worst thing possible happened my sisters baby was still born at 8 months. it killed us all and it's not right but we have to accept it. i decided i had to be strong for my two year old nephew as he was too young to understand. and i was and somehow i've never grieved and my sisters business has been run properly and i need to grieve now its been over a month but i feel like it's wrong as i live with my sister and dont want to upset her. i seriously feel like im losing all sanity and that if i carry on like i am i;ll end up locked away.

i cant speak to anyone about it as i live with my sister and my two best friend s are also pregnant and i dont want them to feel rubbish through their pregnancy. i haven't gota boyfriend as i cant fit one in and the rest of my family are grieving too. i just feel like if anything else bad happens i will do something wrong. im sorry to be so stupid but i hate life and everything about it.
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Postby lidopig » Sat Aug 04, 2007 10:29 am

Hi 55555,
I feel so sorry for you,but you must get some help and support for yourself.Please go to your doctor and explain how you feel and whats been happening in your life.
Good luck.
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Postby maybejustonce » Mon Aug 06, 2007 12:50 am

It sounds like you never have a second to yourself.

You're carrying your sister's burdens as if they were your own and you're not giving yourself time to breathe and reflect. There's a good chance that your family and friends have no idea how miserable and frustrated you are. They see you running the business, supporting your sister and nephew with a smile on your face and they assume that you're doing just fine.

You sound like a truly wonderful person, I'm sure you supported your middle sister when her boyfriend commited suicide, just because you didn't devote your life to her and her needs doesn't mean you weren't helping but your guilt over not being able to make her feel better seems to have caused you to go overboard now.

You need to get your life back.

It's not your responsibility to help your friends through their pregnancies, though having said that I'm sure you'll be fantastic :D and your older sister will be ok, what she went through was awful but you must tell her (or another family member) how drained and exhausted you are. They'll understand they'll still be grateful to you. Stop carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and look after yourself for once.

And as for getting a boyfriend, personally I think you should wait until your life is back on track, men just create complications and drama... though this is coming from someone who is extremely bitter and cynical... :roll:

Plus.. I don't know if this is an issue but just in case... you must not feel guilty for feeling so down when, compared to the your sisters' lives, yours appears to be going ok. You have a right to feel the way you do and you can't keep bottling it up.

I know this isn't great advice but I just wanted to stress that you need and deserve some time to yourself!!
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Postby 55555 » Mon Aug 06, 2007 1:41 am

Thankks to both of you for your advice. I know i need help and i'm glad i found a website with people who can help (even though i was drunk when i stumbled upon it and wrote this topic but i am glad i did) it's helped me so much. I realised that i may have lost my niece and brother in law but actually what i've gained is the closeness of my family. my niece is finally having a blessing on Tuesday and i feel that will put some closure on this situation even if it is just a little better it'll be a huge weight off everyones shoulders. If i didn't have such a great nephew i would probably of done a runner ages ago...when a two year old senses you pain and says 'don't worry my sister is in the sky she's an angel' you know you have someone very special in ur life. enough rambling anyway thanks again x
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