Tangled webs...

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Tangled webs...

Postby bbrown116 » Fri Oct 05, 2007 1:01 pm

I'm not sure how I managed to get myself dragged into this particular mess to be honest, its not really my problem. My housemate had a long-term girlfriend who he had a child with when her birth control failed. Everyone in the house became good friends with her and she came round to visit us almost as often as to see him. They broke up a few months ago but decided to stay friends. They saw each other often and he continued to be a father to his child. The same day, he started seeing one of her close friends, who started coming to our house and moaning about her. I made my position clear by telling her that the ex and me were friends but she didn't listen.

My housemate continued to see his ex as a friend, but for some reason decided to sleep with her again. The ex thought they were back together, but he then told her that he wasn't and denied that anything had happened. We know this is untrue because we could hear them...Anyhow...

It gets complicated now, as the ex found out that her birth control had failed again, probably because of some medication she took in a recent hospital stay, and that she was three months pregnant with my housemate's child again. Being very upset, she told her old close friend, the new girlfriend, the news almost as soon as she found out. The new girlfriend told my housemate, who told her he never wanted to see her again and so on.

Here's where my other housemates and me get involved; my housemate told his ex she wasn't welcome in our house and that nobody here wanted to see her again, which wasn't true. When she next came to see us, she was very upset and told us what was happening. She was very reasonable, but said she didn't want him in her children's life if he would go in and out of it like this, but that she still wanted to see all of us, and we agreed we wanted to see her and the children. She decided to collect her things which were still in his room and leave a note because he was out, then to leave. While she was collecting her things, my housemate came home with his new girlfriend and started screaming at his ex to get out of the house. He has since refused to speak to me and one other housemate of mine, and has only briefly talked to the others.

The problem my housemates and me have now is that we are closer to my housemate's ex than to my housemate himself, but we have to live with him. We've ended up in the middle of something that doesn't concern us and don't know what to do. Even more awkward, I work with my housemate. Any suggestions.

Sorry this probably isn't overly clear...
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Postby londonguy » Fri Oct 05, 2007 1:25 pm

My look on the situation is the following.

When someone decides to break up with someone, or to stop seeing someone, like in this situation, they can feel that their friends should side with them and support them 100% and agree with everything they say and do.

So if he decides not to talk to her, then he believes you shouldn't too. He wants you to do the same as him, to follow in his footsteps so he feels like he is doing the right thing and has backup so to speak. It's like a confirmation that you are right in your actions.

I experienced a similar thing with a guy I know and he fell out with our group because we weren't taking sides. Eventually I think he has seen sense and things are kind of back to normal.

Possibly whoever was/is close to him, could try sitting him down on his own and explain that you can't take sides and that if the shoe was on the other foot that you would not abandon him. He feels angry, confused, stressed and feels like you're against him. When all you're doing is staying friends with someone.

It is difficult and I'm not sure how else to advise you.
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Postby bbrown116 » Fri Oct 05, 2007 1:56 pm

hmm...I just tried to talk to him. He told me he wasn't angry and then wouldn't talk any more. Usually he never shuts up even if there is something on his mind...
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Postby Bel Bel » Fri Oct 05, 2007 2:10 pm

Perhaps temporarily back off

He cannot dictate if you continue a reltionship with her. He bought her into your life but that doesn't give him the right to take her away.

You all live together and two out of three of you want to see her so democratically he is out voted

Hopefully he will calm down and see how petty he is being but if not perhaps you will have to consider asking him to live elsewhere if he is the cause of all the unpleasantness
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