Still affected by abuse

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Still affected by abuse

Postby bbrown116 » Fri Oct 05, 2007 1:33 pm

Hi,

When I was younger, between the ages of six and thirteen, I was abused by my father and his friends. They did everything short of actually raping me: making me perform against my will and hitting me if I wasn't good enough, drugging me and so on. He also played with my mind, trying to make everything seem like it was normal, or wasn't happening except in my imagination. My father also raped my mother and his sister. When I was thirteen, I was moved with my mother to a safe-house by the police. My father was caught but diagnosed as being mentally ill and has now been released into sheltered housing and put on medication.

Even though I have moved away from home, things which happened still haunt me. I have vivid nightmares about being helpless and surrounded whilst the same things happen to me or my family and friends. I suffer from severe panic attacks and anxiety. Worst of all, I find it almost impossible to have an intimate sexual relationship with my partner of four years, as I tend to panic during and after penatrative sex. When I get involved with a man, I either avoid being touched or act out the role my father forced me to play to avoid punishments which were worse still.

My partner and myself are now having relationship difficulties because of the way I behave. I recently explained to him the extent to which I was abused, and although he understands he feels afraid to touch me in case he makes me panic or hurts me. Before he understood, he thought I was having an affair with my friend and so became involved with a girl from work.

Additionally, to make things more complicated, one of my male housemates who was a very close friend of mine found out about my partner's relationship with the other woman and thought this gave him a chance with me. This friend was aware of my past and everything I went through as well as the effect it had on me. He waited until we were alone in the house when I had been out drinking then propositioned me. When I told him I wasn't interested, he became angry and something in my head clicked back to what happened to me before with my fater's friends. I performed a sexual favour for my housemate whilst crying and shaking, everything on autopilot. Afterwards, when I realised what I had done I wanted to kill myself. I know what happened will always be with me but that doesn't make what I did any better. My housemate seemed confused because, he told me, he thought I wanted to be with him. I told him I didn't and tried to explain, but he became even angrier, smashing things and punching walls. He kept trying to get closer to me and make the same thing happen again until my partner, aware something had happened, told him to back off.

My partner still wants to be with me and we love each other very much but I feel like he deserves something I can't give him. I'll never be able to have a normal relationship physically and it is unlikely that I can have children because of the severity of some of the damage I was caused. I could really do with some re-assurance or suggestions...

Thanks
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Re: Still affected by abuse

Postby retrochav » Fri Oct 05, 2007 2:15 pm

What you describe with the house mate is little short of sexual assault. I can appreciate you probably dont want to go through a legal ordeal but you firmly reassure yourself that as an adult you have control over your body in a way you couldnt excersize as a child.

If you havent had counselling i would urge you to seek it. There are specific rape crisis centres who could offer this if you dont wish to go through your GP. Time doesnt always heal, so there is no time limit to getting the healing you need.

Your fears about being close to your partner, and having children can be resolved at a later time. There are many options available, but its pointless to consider this when there are more pressing concerns. You need to look for healing from the past before you can look to the future. If your guy loves you he will understand and wait for the gradual restoration of your confidence as a woman. If not, then you are better off alone as you need to be selfish and concentrate on yourself right now.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Postby Bel Bel » Fri Oct 05, 2007 2:41 pm

Hi your housemate was bang out of order. You said you were crying and shaking throughout it so he must have known this was upsetting you.

Have you considered couples conselling with a sex therapist. I am not saying it will cure you completely but it may help you to have a better and more comfortable sex life.
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