Money Worries

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Money Worries

Postby weatherman78 » Tue Nov 27, 2007 3:50 pm

Hi All,

Please be gentle as im new here and im after a little help, and maybe a little perspective!

1st, a little background;
I’m 29 (soon to turn the big 30) and my girlfriend (now fiancé) is 24 and we are very much in love. I can’t imagine being with anyone else but her and I’m sure she feels the same way. We have been together for almost 2 years and have never been happier. However, the problem I have is not within our relationship, but instead outside the relationship in family and friends.

My family (and now apparently some friends too) think she is essentially a leech. She lives off me and my money and the services I pay for etc… and is only out for herself etc, and I’m the fool who lets her get away with it.

I have tried to take their comments on the chin, and even try to look at it from their point of view but I fail to see where they are coming from.

The basics of it are that since we are together – that the money we both earn (yes she has a job too, and does bring money into the household) is surely our money? Even if that means that I have to pay a little more than her into the running of the house and car etc. I don’t understand why my family and some friends think that I should force her to pay for everything 50/50 (its about 70/30 at the moment) and risk her being skint all the time, only for me to have spare cash and for her to ask (which she hates doing!) for me to help her out!

I am very lucky in that I have a job that I love, and work with people I really get on with and get paid very well for it, this I understand, and its taken me a while to get to this point in my career, but when we did meet and started dating, I was just an average guy on an average wage, so now that I can afford to I like spoiling her, and doing the little things that make us both happy.

I’m hoping that since you guys (and gals!) are impartial that I can get a clean opinion on this, who doesn’t know us and how we are.

She also knows nothing of this, as if she found out she'd be destroyed, and she would probably start stop taking my help and struggle because of it.

Am I being a little frivolous with my cash? Should I rein in the spending and save more for the future? Should I lay down the law and tell her that she needs to pay half of everything, and the fact that she will struggle is not my fault!?

When it was brought to my attention a while ago, I put it off as just a little jealousy, maybe others feel that they don’t/cant have what we do and so feel envious.
But now its come from a few different sources, its started me thinking….

Any comments welcome! :-?
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Postby brfc » Tue Nov 27, 2007 4:38 pm

hi and welcome to problempages.

normally id be wary of a girl if you had a well paid job before you met her and shes not pulling her weight finacially at the moment but this doesnt seem too be the case.

when your in a relationship as you say the money is yours together. there is nothing worse that dividing things up saying right i paid for this you pay for that. tends too cause alot of friction i say!

a relationship is a partnership sharing things etc and i know im the high wage earner in my house and my partner works part time. it works for us and if your happy with things and dont feel your being taken for a ride then just carry on and ignore everyone else.

at the end of the day its you and your partners happiness that counts. no one else.
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Postby retrochav » Tue Nov 27, 2007 9:07 pm

I am in total agreement with BRFC. You make your own choices in a relationship and as long as you arent feeling used, then your financial arrangements are the business of no one else.

Your partner may have hidden expenses which she contributes to the relationship. For example; make-up, clothing and haircare cost a woman dearly, but may really add value to her self esteem and therefore her relationship.

My ex boyfriend still takes me out for dinner, and in the twelve years i was with him, he treated me very well financially. I once asked him if he wanted to go 50/50 and he said no. He said that i was the only boyfriend he either had who really loved him, and made him feel good and that was payment enough. As mates, he said that the comfort and welcome i always extend to him and his new boyfriend has been a great support. I felt quite humbled and moved.

It does show that there is more than one way to pay your way in life.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Postby snail » Tue Nov 27, 2007 9:33 pm

Hi weatherman78

I think it is a private matter between you and your fiancee as to how you split the bills. However, I agree with you that, if more than one person has independently made comments about her sponging off you, you should at least consider what's causing them to say this.

Some couples split everything 50/50, and some prefer to have it, as you do, that each pays what they can out of their overall earnings (contributing the same percentage of their wages). Issues like who does the domestic work and childcare should also be taken into consideration, as these are a contribution that is equivalent to money.

Could it be that your friends/family feel that your fiancee is not paying as much as she really could on what she earns, and it should be closer to 60/40?

Could it be that they feel that she could earn more but just chooses not to get a better job because it will be more demanding/stressful, and relies on you to make up the shortfall?

Or could there be some other reason, perhaps because they have misinterpreted something she said or did? Do you buy a lot of things for her that they (mistakenly) think she demands from you? Do they feel you spend too much generally, and should save more? Or (and this is the tough one) do they know something about your fiancee that you don't?

I think the best thing to do is to seriously ask one or two of these people EXACTLY what basis they have for what they've said. Don't be aggressive - aim to get the facts. Then you'll know whether to accept or reject their arguments. But remember, at the end of the day it's your decision, no-one else's.
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Postby weatherman78 » Wed Nov 28, 2007 9:49 am

Hi all and many thanks for the comments, I totally agree with the whole “it’s our life (and money) and so whose business is it but ours” philosophy, but its just getting me down a little is all :-?

Snail, I feel that the biggest issue is that my fiancé had some substantial debts when we met, they are managed and she has a consolidation loan at a low APR now to pay it all back, which she is doing. But due to this it eats a fairly big chunk out of her wage every month, so in essence as I am paying more into our life together I am partially funding this debt?

I also think u hit the nail on the head with “Do you buy a lot of things for her that they (mistakenly) think she demands from you?”. It’s true that before I met her I never spent so much on previous girlfriends and always kept my money close, so this may have people thinking. I do also tend to spend on “us” rather than just her though, but if people think she’s somehow demanded it, I can’t win can I?

I will sit a certain family member down this week and have a bit of a chat about it, but at the end of the day your comments have just made me realise that as long as we’re not living out of our means, and are happy together, what does it matter what others think!!

Thanks again :)
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Postby Bel Bel » Wed Nov 28, 2007 11:58 am

I am exactly the same as you and pay a much large percentage of the bills than my partne becasue I earn more than double
I don't want to make him feel he needs to ask for things
One day things might reverse and I will be the one who relies on him
When I met him I was in debt and a single parent so he helped me out
Your a partnership and should act as such and help each other out
If your happy don't take any notice of other people
If you own your own property you could secure things by drawing up an agreement to say you have a larger share in your property then her should you split up. A solicitor can do this for around £100.
I did this when we bought a new house because I had a some extra money to put down due to an inheritance. It means if we split up I can afford to go and buy another house I can afford to pay the mortgage on for both me and my daughter and he will have enough for a deposit on his own flat. He agreed that was fair as as we have no intention of splitting up so we hope it is never relevent anyway.
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