Really depressed

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Really depressed

Postby JennaXXX » Sun Jan 06, 2008 1:18 pm

I feel so awful.
This time last year I was on the verge of finishing my degree.I had the whole world in front of me.Now here's the reality.I am 23 this year and never had a boyfriend or done anything with a guy.Surely this is a record? I don't know ANYONE who is in the same position as me.I feel so embarassed when I am around my friends who are engaged and been sexually active for years.They must think I am this pathetic,repulsive,over innocent freak.
I have virtually no friends.The ones I do have treat me as if I am worth nothing and are always tricking me into things I don't want to do.I have no social life.I spend most Saturdays at home doing nothing and feeling terrible about myself.

Although I have a degree,I am in a dead end job doing something that I could have done straight from school. It's only meant to be a stop gap job but I have a feeling I will be here a lot longer as I don't have the belief in myself to know what I want to do with my life.I don't believe that I am better then this job that I am in.I get bossed around and am supervised by 2 people who aren't even qualified,yet I have a degree in this area of work.It's a joke.

I am ugly and look about 12.Even someone at work said this the other day.I am completely flat chested,have a huge nose and horrible hair.I look pale all the time and am far too skinny.I hate being at work around all the attractive girls who have boyfriends,their own places and tons of friends.I think they know how much of a sadlife I am.Especially as they know I'm not out clubbing every friday and saturday night.

I still live at home and am sharing a room with my 14 year old sister.I have no privacy and feel angry all the time.I need to find a better job but have no confidence or self belief in myself.I start applying for things then feel terrified at the thought of getting there and realising that I can't actually do all these things.They will just sack me after realising how useless I am.


I feel so angry and useless right now.I feel like I have nothing to offer and feel ashamed of who I am.I am such a freak and am starting to feel like I have no answers to anything.I am so unhappy.Please help.
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Postby missyx » Sun Jan 06, 2008 2:43 pm

Okay, one point at a time... Firstly, you do realise that everything you've mentioned can be attributed to poor self-esteem? Once you tackle that, everything else will fall into place.

Lack of experience? When I met my now-husband he was 25. He still lived at home and had never had a girlfriend - I don't mean he hadn't slept with anyone, he'd never even been on a date. Another friend of mine got married recently, aged 37 - she met him in 2006 and he was the first man she ever dated. It's not a big deal. 23 is still very young, despite how you feel! It'll happen when it's supposed to - which is usually when you stop worrying about it - easier said than done, I know.

Those people you talk about are not friends. Friends do not make people feel worthless or trick them into doing things they don't want to do. This is also nothing to feel bad about. Most people only have one or two real friends. I moved to a new area 2 years ago and haven't really made any friends since. You need to build up some self esteem and meet new people. Find something you enjoy doing and go do it - I've just started going to a local craft group once a week (hardly a walk on the wild side, I know!). It keeps me out the house a bit and I've met some lovely new people.

Job - I've got 2 degress and am qualified as a teacher and a barrister, and I've only worked dead-end jobs until last year. I've now got a slightly more interesting job in an area vaguely related to something I'm interested in. Although I'm still in a very lowly position, and like you, below some less qualified people, I'm applying for better jobs and I KNOW that there's something out there for me. Stop feeling pressured to do something better because you feel you should, and start telling yourself you deserve better. You can do anything you want to do.

As for feeling like if you got a better job, they would fire you once they realised you were useless - I promise, at least 50% of people feel that way. I'm very defensive anytime someone mentions something I've not done 100% perfectly, as I'm always convinced that they know I'm a fraud and I'm actually useless. It's taken me a very long time to realise that I'm as good as everyone else, and that I can do it.

As for looking 12 - when I was 26, I had a friend (also 26) who had to carry her driving licence everywhere, as no one believed she was old enough to buy cigarettes! We all teased her remorselessly, but secretly we were all a bit jealous. She could carry off the 'younger' clothers styles and even got into cinemas for the kids price! What made us even more jealous as we got older, was that we all looked our ages, whilst she still looks so young. She's never going to have to worry about aging!

You need to improve your self esteem and set up a plan. Write down everything you want to change, e.g. get new job, leave home, make new friends etc. Then write down POSITIVE, ACHIEVABLE steps you can take towards them. Don't say 'I'll get a new job', as if you don't suceed, you'll just feel worse. Instead say' I'll apply for at least 2 new jobs a month'. Instead of 'I'll leave home', try 'I'll save at least £x a month towards my own place.' Instead of 'I'll make new friends', try 'I'll talk to at least one new person a day / start going to a night class once a fortnight / get an internet penpal / ask someone at work if they fancy a drink'.

You can and will have a better life - you just need to convince yourself that you DESERVE it and you WILL get it.
Good luck - I'll be thinking of you.
Missy
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Postby HappyGoLucky » Sun Jan 06, 2008 3:11 pm

I totally agree with missyx.

23 is still young. You said you looked like you were twelve, but what about other people who look older than they are? To be honest, I'd rather naturally look younger than older! :)

I have virtually no friends.The ones I do have treat me as if I am worth nothing and are always tricking me into things I don't want to do.I have no social life.I spend most Saturdays at home doing nothing and feeling terrible about myself.


You call those people friends? You deserve better than the way they treat you! What friend treats you like you're nothing and waste their time tricking you to do things you don't want to do? Instead of sitting at home doing nothing all day long on Saturday, why don't you join a club that interest you? It'll occupy your time and instead of feeling terrible of yourself, you get to meet other new people.

You are not useless. You just need a boost of self-esteem. Write down anything you like about yourself, or any good deeds you've done when you were younger. Stick it somewhere you go to everyday and READ it. Then, write all the things that makes you angry or upset and BURN IT UP!

You definitely deserve a good life - just need to work at it a little! Boost your self-esteem and think more positively, instead of being negative all the time.

Good luck! :D
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Postby amanda11 » Mon Jan 07, 2008 10:11 pm

Erm... I'm your age and I still get asked for ID when I try to buy cigarettes. Looking young is way better than looking old.

All the things you think about your appearance are due to you low self esteem. Nobody is so repulsive. Spend a bit of your spare time trying new clothes/make up/hair. It'll make you feel loads better. By the way, what you look like shouldn't be important anyway, looks are really not what's important in life (unless you're a sad Victoria Beckam-a-like who is just shallow).

You are important, you are a person and your life and experiences and views are important. Do you think just because somebody has more friends or has more sex that their opinions and their life is more important than yours? Of course not.

This is all about attitude, you know all this already you just have to intergrate this into your life. You are just as valid as the next person, if they don't think so then they are a horrible person (and you are not). Who cares what people think, you can waste your life away thinking like this.

By the way I have a friend in exactly the same position as you 23, graduate, living at home, no previous or current partner, not happy at work. There's nothing wrong with that. But if she wants a change then she, like you, will need to give herself a kick up the a**e.

I wish you luck. I used think like you, I don't anymore and I'm so much happier for it.
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Postby kacie » Tue Jan 08, 2008 8:13 pm

hi, i'm 20 and always get told that i look alot younger, sometimes it can be a hinderance - always being asked for ID, but other times it can be great - child prices. I only have one person who i would really call a friend, but it doesn't really bother me as i know that he's a great friend and someone i can depened on. I was stuck in a dead-end job that i didn't really enjoy so i saved up my money and went volunteering abroad for a month, its probably the best thing if ever done i'm now back at college and saving up to but a place of my own.
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Postby Yellowcoaching » Wed Jan 09, 2008 11:59 am

This is a problem with your self esteem. Your inner critic is running the show and trying to convince you it's psychic all at the same time! It thinks it knows what everyone else thinks of you!
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Postby Yellowcoaching » Wed Jan 09, 2008 12:00 pm

sorry I tried to post a link for you but haven't got 20 posts yet. Will post it later.
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Postby LME79 » Wed Jan 09, 2008 12:33 pm

Hi Jenna,

I see a lot of my old self in you at the moment.. when I was 23 I was insecure about my looks, temping, convinced I wasn't worthy of good jobs, living at home in a tiny room, bad relationship with my parents.. everything seemed so futile and I couldn't see a way out.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

* If you have no idea what you want to do at all career wise, try process of elimination. List a number of sectors down (reed have a good detailed list of sectors) and note down which ones you'd possibly like to work in and those that you definitely don't want to work in. Research the variety of roles for the sectors that are most attractive to you - also note down why these sectors are attractive.

* Visit www.prospects.ac.uk - I found this site absolutely invaluable but I found it way after graduating so I pass it onto any undergraduate that I meet! It really helped me figure out not only what I wanted to do, but what I would be good at as well.

* After graduating don't stress out about getting a permanent job straight away. Loads of my friends 'fell into' their jobs, not knowing what they wanted to do and six years down the line, a lot of them are starting to get itchy feet.

* As everyone has said, these so called friends are not friends. Like missyx said, most people have one or two real friends. I can count my real friends on one hand - it's quality, not quantity. Also, like missyx said, have you considered joining a local group? Maybe an aerobics class? Not only will you meet new people, but regular exercise will boost your mood - not to mention the fact that it will keep you healthy!

* I'm in my late twenties and I still get ID'd from time to time - when you reach my age you'll be glad of it. Maybe when you next visit the hairdressers, try a different look. I should point out that as clichéd as it is, you need to find your inner confidence as well as outer confidence.

* Do not worry about lack of experience with boys, my cousin is in her mid 30s and she's only just moved out - she's never had a boyfriend. Besides, you need to love yourself first.

I would also highly recommend putting your name down to see a counsellor. My counselling sessions were invaluable - all I did in my first session was cry but my counsellor just let me - I had a lot to let out and it was very therapeutic. The waiting list may seem long initially but they get cancellations from time to time and are therefore able to fit you in.

Good luck, and let us know how you get on :)
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Postby JennaXXX » Sat Jan 12, 2008 5:47 pm

Thankyou for the replies.They are really appreciated.I think I would benefit from seeing a counsellor but don't really want to go to the doctors to get a referral.Is it possible to find your own counsellor? Also how much would they charge each session roughly? I feel like all these problems are down to my low self esteem and I think if I get support for that,everything else will fall into place.
Also..If I went to counselling would future employers have to know?
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Postby Yellowcoaching » Sat Jan 12, 2008 5:53 pm

Counselling and coaching if you are treated privately is something future employers would not need to know about. I have worked with many clients on their self esteem and have strict confidentiality policies. No-one else but myself and the client are aware of our sessions unless the client authorises it in writing. Prices for private treatment do vary mine are lsited on my website www.yellowcoaching.com but look around and talk to a few counsellors or coaches to find someone you feel comfortable with. Best of luck.
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