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PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2012 11:30 pm
by Ticktock
Mixed feelings today as my wife's ex finally passed away.

He had it all, a beautiful wife, two boys, a good job and threw it all away on drink and gambling.

He beat his wife and terrorised his children over a twelve year period until the divorce and continued to do so for years afterward until his drinking finally caught up with him.

He died of liver failure at 51 with his entire family carrying the scars of experiences too terrible for me to imagine, although I regularly have to deal with the consequences.

I always hoped the boys would have a chance to be reconciled with him, if not to learn to live with him at least to understand why he did all those things, now they won't have that chance.

My question is how to deal with someone grieving when it carries a strong slice of relief that finally things are over, should they go to the funeral, or should they just walk away showing him as much respect as he ever managed in life?


PostPosted: Sun Jul 22, 2012 6:11 pm
by Tucco
Hi Ticktock,

assuming you are talking about the boys going to the funeral, I would say as long as they are not too young then yes they should go.

Various reasons for this, for one it gives a sense of closure and also they may regret it as they get older or even blame or resent you if you dont take them.

You must also take into account the rest of his family, will there be trouble if you all go along etc, etc.

I should also say that addiction of any kind is an illness and no one in their right mind would want to drink themselves to death.

Good luck.


PostPosted: Sun Jul 22, 2012 8:42 pm
by highlandcow
I think they should go to the funereal. If they are old enough to decide that they don't want to, then fair enough. But despite all he's done, he was still their father and if they don't go, they may regret it. And it's not like they'd get another chance at it.

I think that in terms of them grieving, I'd try and keep your feelings towards him out of it as much as you can. Respect their need to grieve him.

How is your wife taking it?


PostPosted: Mon Jul 23, 2012 12:16 am
by Ticktock
Both of them are quite old enough to make their own decisions on this (early twenties), just wanted to marshal my arguments to persuade them if they didn't go. I have been trying persuade them for a number of years to talk to him properly when I realised how seriously ill he was, but they, like most young adults, can't conceive of how fragile life is...

My wife is upset for her sons, beyond that quiet relief it is finally over, she tried everything conceivable during her marriage to pull him back and at the time she divorced within her community it was exceptional... then he punished her for years afterward with constant abusive phone calls and turning up at the house day and night in drunken rages, as well as several schemes to manipulate his sons into getting him money... In all honesty I think an element of mental illness was involved and this was not the first loss of that family to disturbed behaviour.

I have said to my wife is she wants to go to the funeral I will accompany her (his family learned a while ago that mutual respect is healthier with me), unfortunately it may also interfere with my elder step-sons wedding plans because of the need to take his ashes to India, but we will see if he agrees, he had finished with his dad a long time ago.


PostPosted: Mon Jul 23, 2012 4:00 pm
by Bel Bel
This guy already robbed his kids of most of their childhood he shouldn't get in the way of any wedding plans now.

At the end of the day, harsh I know, but this guy doesn't deserve people running around after him. He lived his life how he choose so he doesn't have the right to start dictating after death anymore than he did whilst alive (and nor do "do gooding" relatives on his behalf either).

Yes people get upset and emotional at times like this but it does not make anything he did whilst living any better. He abandoned his kids and if they choose to do the same in his death so be it.

At 20+ they are more than capable of deciding if it will be more, or less, damaging to them whether they attend.