Need an opinion

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Need an opinion

Post by *Ali* » Tue Sep 10, 2013 12:14 pm

So I just want an outside opinion on a recent situation as I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about this issue.

I recently went to a party where I didn't know too many people, I went with one girl and was staying in her apartment as it was to far from mine.
Towards the end of the party one girl was really drunk so we all got her home and into the room I was supposed to be staying in and her friend and a boy ended up in there to look after her. But we also noticed that it was unlikely that was all they would be doing.
So the remaining three of us go back out as there is an after-party a block away from her apartment.
We get there and everyone is dancing and its all good. But eventually we start to get tired and decide to call it.
We head back and I get changed out of my dress in my friends room wondering if I could just stay there instead.
My friend ends up going to check something, I forget what if I'm honest.
Her roommate who I have met a few times and had spoken to at the after-party grabs me by the waist and chucks me into his bed.
By this time my thoughts are, he has a girlfriend, I don't see him in that way at all, this room has no vomiting girls or canoodling couples, I can actually get some comfortable sleep.
He tries to put his arm round me and I move it away and go to sleep facing the wall.

I wake up, I don't know how much later, and he is kissing down my legs and with it he is pulling down my shorts. It takes me a while to realize what is happening.
My brain feels foggy and I'm not quite sure I can believe whats happening. I hear my shorts fall to the floor and feel his hands make their way up my legs. It lasted a minute or so from when I woke up to him putting his finger inside me and then also using his tongue. I know I should have stopped him. I think about it all the time, why couldn't I have jut spoken. I almost feel like I didn't want to embarrass him. I feel so dirty. The worst thing is knowing that it's my fault because I was the one who didn't stop him.

I'm supposed to be going back to visit my friend but I just don't what to say to her or think about the whole situation. What do I do?

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Re: Need an opinion

Post by snail » Wed Sep 11, 2013 6:32 pm

It's normal to respond like that; you were sleepy, you were taken completely by surprise, and you must have been at least a bit frightened as well.

Morally this is rape/sexual assault, as you were semi-conscious, taken by surprise, and hadn't given consent. I'm sure he took your agreeing to get in his bed as some kind of consent, but that doesn't really excuse it (hopefully you won't make that mistake again - his trying to put his arm around you is a sign of danger in that way). I don't know what to suggest you do - if you tell your friend no doubt there will be consequences. But do you think she is safe living with this guy?
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Need an opinion

Post by retrochav » Wed Sep 11, 2013 10:40 pm

We have to consider the facts here. You had enjoyed a party and had a few too many to drink. Therefore you motivation was to sleep it off somewhere where you wouldn't be disturbed, or disturb anyone else. So the fact is that you didn't want sex.

The lad made a move, you pushed him off and turned to face the wall. This suggests that you wanted to sleep and not have sex. You awoke, still drunk and unsure what was happening. You got your senses together and realised what was happening. You didn't respond one way or another. This doesn't show consent. A terrified victim of rape often freezes, doesn't scream and doesn't fight back. That doesn't mean a victim is enjoying it.

It suggests rape to me on the basis of what you say. Now you have options. You can choose to take the matter further with the police, or you can choose to get some counselling.

Personally I would speak with the police, state that you may not want to press charges, but do want this recorded. Then if he does this to anyone else, and often these events get more serious, your evidence can be useful - it would show there has been a previous incident.

Whatever you choose to do, please do get some counselling because this is a serious issue to be carrying around alone.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.

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