What did I do wrong?

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What did I do wrong?

Postby Beckyt » Thu Aug 14, 2003 2:14 pm

Hi I don't really know where to start...

I'm 21 years old and apart from my boyfriend and about 3 other people I have no friends.

In my school years from years 5 - 11 I had loads of friends, literally hundreds. i love being around people, helping people out, buying presents etc etc and Birthdays and Christmas' were fantastic i used to have a brilliant time. I had loads of male and female friends and I was never bullied by anyone, nobody that I knew of had any reason to say bad things about me. I went to parties, went out to cinemas, pubs etc and I was never short of people phoning me up to invite me out. I really loved school and the people in it, I dreaded summer holidays and half term because many of the people went away and I yearned to see them. I was never a pest, never the kid that is desperate for people to like me, it was just that I never gave anyone a reason to hate me. I didn't witch about someone unless it was to their face in a joking way.
But then sixth form came and it went horribly wrong. Many people left to go to work which is fair enough and I lost contact with a few. The other lot who I thought were really good friends of mine made my sixth form years a living hell.
Like everyone else I got together with my first serious boyfriend, he was my friend first and we went about in a group but then we realised that we couldn't be just friends and we wanted more. So then people started making snide remarks, saying we made a disgusting couple and they didn't want to see us together, saying we made them retch. Ok I could handle that so we toned it down a little.
Then the rumours about us started some really spiteful and people did their best to leave me out of things especially parties, and even organising charity events at Christmas. They did this thing once where they gave a spoof award to the best couples and named every couple but us. That was petty but forgivable.
Then they started name calling and taking the P*** out of the way I dress, look, walk even. That really hurt.
Then they decided to play a cricket match in the common room and one lad smacked the ball straight at me and it smacked me in the eye with my glasses on. I cried,ok perhaps not the best thing to do in front of people who hate your guts, but it hurt and my boyfriend said they're all laughing at you. He was really angry but he couldn't do anything about it.
I put that down to the fact they were showing off in front of the older kids.

This sort of stuff made me really ill but I sat there and suffered it in silence because I thought one day they'll snap out of it. Some of them did but I've never understood what made them turn against me especially when I bent over backwards to help the one girl who was particularly evil when she was getting bullied.

Can someone please explain to me what I did wrong? because I'm starting to wonder if anyone really did like me as a person or whether I was just a person they didn't have the heart to tell to p*** off those years before. I really loved the people who made my life hell during those years and I can't let it rest even though it was three years ago. Anyone got any answers? :(

I need your help because I can't trust or open up to new friends til I've got this one sorted.
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Postby KoRn_Freak » Thu Aug 14, 2003 5:39 pm

It's alarming when people turn against you, and you can't find a reason why. I know, I've experienced it many times.
I've never been popular, never had more than a handful of friends, and always been a target for bullying ever since the second year of primary school, right up to year eleven where I am now. From looking back on the past, I found that even if I did get picked on in the primary schools I went to, the few friends I had stayed true to me up until the point where high-school intervened. Why did they turn against me? Easy- they were part of a whole different game with many different teams, and in order to be accepted as one of them, they took into account the old saying "if you can't beat them, join them". The majority of people nowadays crave for acceptance; they want popularity and they want to be respected. It doesn't matter about staying true to themselves or the people that stood by them no matter what- it's all about them making impressions. And that's where the division puts people like you and I in the minority- we know the real things that matter in life- friends and family, no matter what. And though we strive to please them and support them through thick and thin, sooner or later most of them drift away for the social prize they're dying to win. It's only the very small amount of them who refuse to be part of the flock of sheep and follow the crowd.
On the whole, you've done nothing wrong. You've stood by your convictions on friendship and loyalty, and that makes you stronger than any majority or any crowd. In the real world, popularity means nothing. It doesn't help you to gain anything, especially if in the long run those people soon become memories.

Don't worry yourself about the social changes you're experiencing, and don't take anything to heart from anyone who's trying to make your life a living hell. I'll tell you this from experience: there comes no justice when you show the wolf your neck in surrender. But believe it or not, you can make them respect you if they catch a glimpse at your academic skill. It silences all of them. But if one still carries on, it's only through jealousy.
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Postby HannahL » Fri Aug 15, 2003 3:49 pm

I feel sad for you that you went through that and that it's still affecting you. :(

If its just the theory you want as to why those people were treating you like that - its cause they weren't happy with themselves. There are three ways you can behave if you don't like yourself - one is to turn on other people. This is a direct defense against letting yourself believe its you thats not ok. (ie its not me its them). This is what those people were doing by making you not ok. They made themselves believe they are ok by making out that you are not ok.

You might know what its like to feel that way? eg. going into a social situation that you find threatening and thinking well, they may no like me but I'm cleverer, prettier, happier, more popular - whatever - than them etc - its a really normal way of dealing with scare that you're not ok - It is however a problem when you act out on it and hurt someone like those people hurt you.

If it's any consolation - however bad they made you feel they actually feel worse than that about themselves - it's impossible for a fully functioning person to hurt someone else maliciously and not feel bad about it - even if its not at a conscious level it will be registered.

I bet in reality you already knew a lot of that anyway so i don't suppose really it helps much cause you've still been hit over the head with their issues and its still hurting you. The answer is to decide that you are ok and that the way they were treating you does not make you not ok - its their stuff and leave it with them.

Its easier said than done to decide you are ok - no matter what - without flipping into the position of i'm ok but you're not - like those people. but that's the answer. I hope you get there.

By the way - you are ok already - you just have to realise it. good luck xxxx
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Postby Beckyt » Fri Aug 15, 2003 8:45 pm

Thanks Korn_Freak and HannahL for your advice it is really nice to have someone on your side for a change. I know i shouldn't be so sensitive to people's comments because i was told by one girl that the only reason why people are so horrible to me is because they're jealous of me. i said jealous of me? I'm having an awful time because of you and all because you are jealous of me? She said well you've got everything we haven't.

It really has knocked my confidence though i'm always on defence thinking of what people are saying about me. I've never given anyone a reason to be jealous of me. Ok, I work hard and I excel in English and drama but I like it and we all have a talent and I am in a very supportive and stable relationship. But i haven't got money and I don't wear particularly fancy clothes or hang around with beautiful people so whats there to be jealous of?

They may have had issues in their personal lives but i could've helped them deal with them. Instead they used and abused me. A lot of them had a much better childhood than I did.

They began to look down on me because they knew I was too nice to stand up to them.

I've got to take your advice and learn to leave them in the past. There's no good wondering why all the time if it makes me depressed. It's just hard when i think of how happy i was at school just a year earlier.
I should stop moaning really some people have an awful time at school far worse than I have.

Thanks once again both of you and Korn_Freak I hope things get better with your school experiences etc because I think if they knew the advice and support that you are able to dish out I think bullies would definitely wonder what they are missing out on.

Becky xxxx :wink:
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Postby Lorelei » Sat Aug 16, 2003 1:50 pm

Just wanted to say, I can relate to that SO much!
I was always shy and quiet at school and very alternative in the way I dressed. I never even expected people to be friends with me but when I was about 15 or 16 I suddenly became really popular. I was so happy and such a good friend to everyone.
The following year, the exact same thing happened as happened to you, I started seeing a guy and rumours started, soon nobody was speaking to me, they kept hitting me with tennis balls at gym one day and I lay down and cried. In the end I walked out and went to a different school.
I'm 23 now but I still have the ULTIMATE fear of people talking about me.
To this day, if I hear one word of gossip about myself, I get so upset and paranoid.
Like you, people said it was jealousy. I didn't get what there was to be jealous of. I was good at English, etc. too and enjoyed my individuality but, unlike you, I never had a stable relationship and I suffered from depression and eating disorders as a teenager. What's enviable about that?
Anyway, it just goes to show: People who aren't happy with themselves will ALWAYS focus their bitterness on to someone else and find a reason to be bullies. I know it's a cliché but they're still winning if it still haunts you. You'll make proper friends soon and you'll forget those horrible people ever existed! Best of luck!xxx
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Postby woopdecker » Sat Aug 16, 2003 2:55 pm

I can relate to it as well, although i didnt have quite as bad as you. By the sounds of ityou havent done anything!You sound like a really gd mate and person, but you didn't have to suffer in silence, they probaly did it because they were jelous. They're just people looking for somehing to do, and they wanted to lok big.
You shouldnt take the past into account with new poeple, yeah, you could be alittle cautious, but not everyone is like that.

some people never listen. Others never try, with eyes and ears shut tight.. the world just passes them by.
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Thank you!!!

Postby Beckyt » Wed Aug 20, 2003 5:12 pm

Thank you every one for the kind comments and words of encouragement! Very much appreciated :)
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