My little sister :(

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My little sister :(

Postby Liquidius » Thu Dec 18, 2008 5:59 pm

I really need some advice with this.

My little sister is 15 (so not so little, but she is to me), and she's severly depressed to the point where she wants to kill herself. She self harms on a daily basis, and is generally in a terrible way. She's been going to councelling sessions at school, but it's taken her ages to build up enough trust to tell anyone about her problems, which means getting an external concellor would be very hard. I don't even know half of it, and there's no way in her current state I would ever force her to tell me what has caused all of this either.

The problem is though, I had a phonecall from the school today recommending that she see a doctor because she's so bad. The phoned me because my sister didn't want Mum finding out about everything. Now, I'm legally old enough to take control of the situation according to them (I'm 21), but I really want her to tell Mum about all of this too so that we can both help her. She REALLY doesn't want to tell Mum about the self harm, or the suicidal tendences. Mum knows that she's seeing a councellor though. I don't want to break the trust she has in me, because I'm glad she's telling someone about it. I'm taking her to the doctors tomorrow hopefully, and I'm not sure what they're going to do because of her age.

I just don't like sneaking about behind Mums back, because I feel that she should know. Equally, I really don't want to tell her if it's against my sisters wishes. If I betray her trust like that, she won't confide in me again, and then I have no idea what she'll do to herself.

Any advice would be good. Thanks.
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Re: My little sister :(

Postby snail » Thu Dec 18, 2008 7:36 pm

Your sister's welfare is what matters at the moment, so I think you should do whatever you think is best for her. If that involves deceiving your mum, so be it. If you're doing it for your sister's sake it isn't morally wrong, and your mum would understand that I'm sure. The real question is, would it be better for her if you told your mum, so you can both support her? No one really knows the answer to that, but my gut feeling is that you should respect your sister's wishes. She's in a very fragile state right now. Perhaps try persuading her to tell your mum, if you can.

The only thing is, Liquidius, are you up to the added stress of looking after your sis? You've posted things that suggest you have a few struggles of your own right now. Make sure you look after your own mental health too.
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Re: My little sister :(

Postby all_apologies » Fri Dec 19, 2008 12:42 am

I agree with snail.

As it stands, your sister perhaps isn't in a fit mental state to realise what a big thing this is she's put on you by asking you to keep quiet. If you feel that it's something that either you can't deal with or that it would be beneficial to both you and your sister to tell your mum, it's your call. I can totally understand why you want to keep it quiet, and if you think it's feasible then that's fine. Yet where your sister's health is at risk you might have to bite the bullet and go against her wishes. Maybe she'll hate you for it for the timebeing, but hopefully if she gets the help she needs, she'll eventually understand why you had to do it.

One of my immediate family members spent the last few years dealing quietly with a partner with serious mental health issues until it got to the point where he could no longer hide it and had to ask for help. Ultimately, there was nothing he could do to help her and the problems weren't going to go away on their own. Those few years were very difficult for him, especially due to the fact that he had no experience of dealing with these kind of issues.

Do you think you could ask your sister about it? Basically explaining exactly what you've written here: that you're seriously worried about her and that although you completely respect her privacy, you think it would help her to open up (whether it be your mum or other medical professionals)?
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Re: My little sister :(

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Fri Dec 19, 2008 10:20 am

For the minute I'd keep it quiet; see how it goes for a few months and try and persuade her to tell your mam. If she doesn't you could maybe drop subtle hints to your mam so she can "figure it out on her own" and you "haven't said anything".

It's taken your sister long enough to confide in someone don't break her trust straight away.
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Re: My little sister :(

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Dec 19, 2008 11:53 am

I THINK TRYING TO PERSUADE HER THAT YOUR MUM COULD BE A GREAT SOURCE OF HELP AND COMFORT MAY HELP.
COULD THERE BE A REASON SHE DOESN'T WANT YOUR MUM TO KNOW CONNECTED WITH THE CAUSE AND THAT IS WHY SHE IS SO AGAINST YOUR MUM FINDING OUT???
I WOULDN'T GO AGAINST HER JUST AT THIS STAGE AS I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT SHE WON'T TRUST YOU AGAIN AND THAT COULD PUT HER IN A WORSE SITUATION WHEN SHE HAS NO ONE TO TURN TO
YOU COULD SAY TO HER IF MUM FINDS OUT YOU WILL BE IN TROUBLE WITH HER FOR NOT TELLING SO YOU WOULD REALLY LIKE HER TO TELL YOUR MUM OR TO LET YOU TELL HER OR DO IT TOGETHER IF SHE NEEDS SUPPORT
sorry just realised i am on caps :oops:
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Re: My little sister :(

Postby Liquidius » Fri Dec 19, 2008 1:38 pm

Thankyou for the advice guys.

I had a chat with her last night and explained that she needed to make a decision. That decision was:

1. I can tell Mum, or she can tell Mum so that we can work together to get her the help.
2. If she doesn't want to do that, then she can go to the doctors with me, and we can work on getting her some more help. But before the new year.

After tears, and arguing and unhappyness, she agreed to go to the doctors with me before the new year. I'll be making the appointment for the end of the month. I think she was shocked at my reaction to the situation, she said herself that she didn't expect me to make her decide like this, but under the circumstances I think it's fair. I explained that if she wants me to treat her as an adult, and for the moment not tell Mum about any of this, she has to act like an adult and try to get help instead of refusing any offers of help because I can't just sit and do nothing. The conversation ended on a good note, and she said thankyou for being up front about it, and pointing her in the direction of help.

I'm not sure how she's going to feel about it when it actually comes to going, she's obviously scared of whatever it is that's made her feel like this, I just wish I knew what it was so I could help her more.
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Re: My little sister :(

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Fri Dec 19, 2008 3:59 pm

Liquidius wrote:I'm not sure how she's going to feel about it when it actually comes to going, she's obviously scared of whatever it is that's made her feel like this, I just wish I knew what it was so I could help her more.


I think you have to play it by ear and see how it goes at the doctors first.
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Re: My little sister :(

Postby Liquidius » Sat Dec 20, 2008 10:58 am

Yeah, I have absolutely no intention of trying to find out what it is at the moment :) It's up to her whether she feels like telling me in her own time.
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Re: My little sister :(

Postby snail » Sat Dec 20, 2008 3:29 pm

You handled the situation incredibly well, Liquidius - you managed to do the right thing by your sis, your mum, and yourself. I wish I had had a big sister like you!
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: My little sister :(

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Dec 22, 2008 11:39 am

keep us posted and i hope you have a nice xmas meantime
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