Friend/Housemate hell

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Friend/Housemate hell

Postby caroline82 » Sun Dec 28, 2008 1:46 pm

I bought a new house last year and a friend moved in as my lodger. We are very close friends but the situation is terrible for me. Her boyfriend practically lives here while contributing nothing to the house. They have taken over my home. In addition, they have damaged my furniture, will not clean up after themselves down to the most basic of things such as flushing toilets, do not do groceries but help themselves to my food etc. My friend is a very moody person and when in bad form makes my life miserable by ignoring me, being snappy and bitchy and generally being horrible. This is frequent. She takes my property without asking, pokes around in my room when i'm not home and demands that i make no noise around the house while she is in bed, which is generally until 3 in the afternoon. She also owes me quite a lot of money. I am a soft, unconfrontational person while she is quite the opposite and every time i have attempted to bring up these issues she has reduced me to tears. At present she is giving me the severe cold shoulder due to the fact that my boyfriend drank some of a bottle of whiskey which i had paid for but she wanted for herself. I want her to leave but i know she will make it as painful as possible and i really dont want to make an enemy of her. Her boyfriend and mine are brothers and i wont be able to avoid her. In addition, we live in a small town and i have seen through her behaviour in the past that she will do her best to turn others against me with lies if i get on her wrong side. In addition, despite the above she has been a good friend to me at times and has many good qualities. I do appreciate that i have brought a lot of this on myself by putting up with this for so long. Sorry for the long post but any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Re: Friend/Housemate hell

Postby bellajennie » Sun Dec 28, 2008 4:04 pm

The whole situation may suggest more about the basic living situation rather than the relationship with your friend. If you have bought a new house then obviously you will take very much pride in how it looks and want it to feel a home for you. Perhaps sharing this with anyone has caused some of the shiny new excitement you may feel from your new home. In this respect, if you can afford it, it may be prudent to decide that you would prefer to live alone. This could easily be explained to your friend, and she could be given reasonable notice and would not cause any animosity towards her personally.

On the other hand, if you enjoy her companionship then something must be done. It seems it might be against your character but you really will have to explain to her the situation. You could use the recent credit crunch as a reason for the discussion, perhaps explaining that the reason you took in a lodger was to help financially and that perhaps you could both better economize by contributing to a kitty for the basic foods. Its either that or keeping everything locked away.

If her boyfriend is more approachable he might be the one to talk to? Or perhaps have a word about the possibility of your boyfriend having a little chat to his brother about contributing to the household?
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Re: Friend/Housemate hell

Postby caroline82 » Mon Dec 29, 2008 12:15 am

Thanks for the advice bellajennie, I've now spoken to her and told her I wanted to go back to living alone. It didnt go down well, and I think the friendship is over. In one way its a relief and in another its very sad. God knows what she's going to say about it to mutual friends, our bfs family etc. I have a feeling the problems are not over yet...
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Re: Friend/Housemate hell

Postby sarahmienwok » Mon Dec 29, 2008 9:31 am

It sounds to me like you're better off without a friendship like that. Hopefully your mutual friends will know what she is like anyway, and ignore whatever she may say about you.

A long time ago, I fell out with a friend (and housemate too incidentally). I had done absolutely nothing wrong, but she managed to manipulate every single one of our mutual friends, so I was left with nobody for months. Eventually though, they all realised how much of a cow she was and came back to me.

Just remember, you've done nothing wrong. The truth always comes out in the wash. Good luck!! x
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Re: Friend/Housemate hell

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Dec 29, 2008 1:01 pm

yes i agree with sarahmeinwok
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Re: Friend/Housemate hell

Postby caroline82 » Mon Dec 29, 2008 7:48 pm

Just an update, the aftermath of having asked my housemate to leave is already unbearable, less than a day later. She's been here all day with her boyfriend and the tension is unreal. She is refusing to speak to me and is acting as if i have committed some terrible crime. Her mother arrived over a short time ago and she made a point of asking her in my earshot to meet up tomorrow so they could discuss a "terrible situation she's been placed in".
I feel so uncomfortable in my own home, and am considering moving out for a few days to let the tension ease. I feel so miserable here and even though i know i havent done anything wrong, i feel incredibly guilty for asking her to leave. I'm just afraid that if i was to leave the house she might do damage to my property out of spite. I've come to terms with the fact that the friendship is over, and to be honest i know i'm better off but the thoughts of living in this situation for the next few weeks until she leaves fills me with dread. i did manage to have a quiet word with her bf earlier, he clearly feels very uncomfortable too god help him and suggested i just give things a few days to blow over and then apologise. I didnt want to add fuel to the fire so i didnt get into it with him but i'm very much afraid now that she hasnt taken my request for her to leave seriously and thinks i will change my mind. I'm also unsure as to what it is exactly i'm expected to apologise for. Any thoughts anyone?
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Re: Friend/Housemate hell

Postby snail » Mon Dec 29, 2008 8:48 pm

Her boyfriend might think you asked her to leave because you had had an argument with her, so that's probably what he means. DON'T give in, and DON'T apologise - you're right, you have nothing to apologise for. If you can just stick to your guns and get through this, think of the relief when this truly awful person (and her boyfriend) is out of your house.

The next thing to do is let the dust settle a bit, then give her an actual date to leave by. I don't know if she has any rights: it might be worth checking with CAB, in case you need to inform her in writing? Make sure you do it correctly, so as to cover yourself.

Then, if she shows no sign of leaving by that date, you will have to do the old "bin bags outside, locks changed" routine the next time she leaves the house after the set date.
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Re: Friend/Housemate hell

Postby sarahmienwok » Tue Dec 30, 2008 1:46 am

If you show that your feeling uncomfortable in your own house, ie. by leaving for a few days, her immature mind will think that she's won. Dont let it show that she's getting to you. I know exactly how it feels to feel like an outcast in your own home. Just try to keep your head down and keep conversation to a minimal. It sounds like her mother is being just as immature as her, makes you wonder where she got it from....

Don't apologise if you feel you don't have to, and don't blame the boyfriend, he's either only getting one side of the story, and/or has to side with his girlfriend, even if he agrees with you on the matter.

I went through months of people talking behind my back in my own home, once I sat on the stairs for over an hour eavesdropping on my two housemates slagging me off and saying the most unbelievable lies, just to make themselves feel better about being horrible people.

I know it's hard, and she'll probably do her best to make it hard for you, but my advice is stick it out. Keep in mind what it will be like when you have the house to yourself. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Good luck, let us know how it goes x
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Re: Friend/Housemate hell

Postby smallville » Thu Jan 08, 2009 12:45 pm

You have done nothing wrong and ITS YOUR HOUSE!!!
If it was my house I wouldnt dream of leaving and infact I have been evicted in a day for things no where as bad as what she is doing.
If the rent is in arrears then get her out. She is not contributing enough money so you are out of pocket. She is taking your things so your out of pocket. She is damamging the house so your out of pocket. I think she used to friendship and your kind nature to take advantage. GET HER OUT ASAP you have nothing to gain from having her live there. Eventually everyone will know what she is like and she will leave town. I have met people like her before.
Stick to your guns and good luck. If you cant throw her out yourself then get help off a good friend to do it.
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Re: Friend/Housemate hell

Postby miaow » Mon Jan 12, 2009 11:44 pm

Get someone around with you until she finally clears off- your boyf, another mate, someone from your family. It's unacceptable what she's been doing and well done for telling her. Agree with Snail - get advise from Citizens AB and if legally she has no rights (if she's not been paying you then I dont see how she can) and get her stuff in bin bags and put them outside with a change of locks, again have someone with you.

She's took you for granted for too long - Im surprised your boyf has not stuck up for you and had a word with his brother to be honest. Stick to your guns and once your rid of her dont look back.
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Re: Friend/Housemate hell

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Jan 13, 2009 10:43 am

I've not commented on your post before, but I have been reading it, and I have never commented because to be honest there wasn't much more to add. I agree with the latest advice though. You need to give her a time to be out by, and if she isn't out you are calling the police (ok maybe not so drastic). Citizens advice would be a good place to start. If she isn't out by the date change the locks.

Your "friends" mam having the cheek to say "terrible situation she has been put in". Why can't her mam have her come home for a few weeks until she can move out.

Get your friend out now; she's not a friend. She's taken advantage and ruining your stuff.
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Re: Friend/Housemate hell

Postby caroline82 » Tue Jan 13, 2009 7:46 pm

Hi guys, thanks for all the advice.

Just to update since my last post. After a few days of being ignored I confronted her and asked to talk. She did a lot of crying and accused me of using her and not needing her anymore since things with my boyfriend have gotten more serious. I had hoped to avoid confrontation by telling her I just wanted to go back to living alone and not going in to all the problems. That night she left the house and went to her boyfriends. I was told later that she then spent the evening telling his family how i'd used her and that i was kicking her out with no where to go. As her bf and mine are brothers, the result is that his family now think i'm a monster, and i dont think i'd redeem myself much by witching to them about her.

A few days later, she came to me in tears, apologising and telling me that she had gotten into a huge amount of debt and basically had no income whatsoever for the foreseeable future so couldnt pay rent and had nowhere to go. She owes me quite a bit of money, no rent or bills paid for 6 weeks now, which i had to write off. She finally agreed to move back to her mothers house thank god. Only a few days left to go but she's still the same. For the last two days she has had her two younger sisters and her bf staying here without asking me, when i asked her about it she told me some rubbish story about her mother being in hospital (i checked, its bull.) Last night i came home to discover my leather sofa has had what appears to be nail varnish remover spilled on it and its going to cost a fortune to get fixed. I confronted her and she just said it must have been her little sister, and she couldnt understand why i was so upset about it. She actually laughed.

Anyway, hopefully thats the end of the saga, she should be gone by Friday, my biggest concern for now is ensuring not too many of my belongings leave with her. (I've already removed some of my clothes from one of her bags)Its been such a disaster but at last there's light at the end of the tunnel! That is after i spend a grand or so repairing the damage of her tenancy!
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Re: Friend/Housemate hell

Postby miaow » Tue Jan 13, 2009 9:24 pm

I'd take the day off on Friday so your there when she actually moves out. She may of been going through a hard time but that is no excuse for abusing the friendship she has with you, or indeed slagging you off to all and sundry. Once she is out the door I would get the locks changed just to be safe.
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Re: Friend/Housemate hell

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jan 14, 2009 11:26 am

yes good idea miaow
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Re: Friend/Housemate hell

Postby spacegirl » Fri Jan 16, 2009 10:24 pm

to be perfectly honet, whether or not you had asked her to move out, your friendship would have been over anyway, i wouldn't beat yourself up about that too much. She was taking your kindness and good nature for granted... not paying rent or bills for 6 weeks is her problem not yours, and if she was going to start that rubbish she would have pushed and pushed to see how far she could go.

re your boyfriend's family, i doubt they think you're a monster. obviously i don't know you, but if you say you are soft and unconfrontational, i really doubt they will take every word as gospel from your ex-flatmate. things might be a bit turbulent at th minute and for a few weeks after, but it'll all go back to normal soon and you have a right to enjoy living in your own home.

good for you for standing up for yourself.
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