Housemate Hell!

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Housemate Hell!

Postby Jenny22 » Wed Apr 08, 2009 3:45 pm

Hi, I’m new to the site and I hope you can help. Also sorry its quite long!

I suppose I just wanted somewhere to get a bit of perspective on a situation that has been upsetting me for the past 6 months or so.

Last year I moved in with 2 people who I thought were my close friends at uni. One of them I felt was my best friend at uni and I regarded us as being very close, and we lived together the year before too, and spent a lot of time together.

Since we moved in I noticed the other two seemed to pair off a lot and do things together without asking me. To begin with I didn’t mind, but then because it would happen so much I began to take it personally, especially as they would often sit in each others rooms talking for hours on end, I kind of got the impression they were avoiding me (otherwise, why wouldn’t they just sit in the living room?). I also felt a bit like one of the girls ‘T’ would follow my best friend ‘J’, around like a lost puppy, and not bother that much with me, and I got the impression ‘J’ quite liked the attention so went along with it.

I was upset about it for a while but then after talking to other friends and about it, and while they agreed what they were doing wasn’t on, I decided I was being a bit over sensitive and maybe I should just make more effort to get myself involved and not take any notice.
So when we got back after christmas, thats what I did, but it didn’t seem to work. Its not nice feeling like the third wheel, and feeling pushed out, so I suppose I just took the hint and started seeing other friends more instead, and not relying on them so much for company because of the way they would make me feel.

It has been a particularly stressful time for me because I have been having a lot of family problems I have been dragged into and was very worried about, and I didn’t feel like I had my friends to turn to. I wasn’t sleeping, my uni work was suffering, and everything seemed to be like a downward spiral no matter what I did. What hurt the most is I had worked so hard all my life and always been a straight A student, and here I was practically unable to function when it came to my work.
So to be honest, my friends acting the way they had, was the last thing I needed, and I suppose the best way for me to deal with it was to just let them get on with it. I thought, well if they don’t want me about then I do have other friends, I’ll be civil, but I can cope without them.

A few weeks ago it all came out, and instead of being the relief I had hoped for, it made things worse. Both of my housemates are quite fiery, whereas I’m not and they both turned on me. I said sorry I hadn’t said anything sooner, and that it must’ve been a case of crossed wires, I said how I felt, and that I couldn’t really blame them when I had kept how I felt to myself for so long and I explained the stress I had been under with my family and said sorry if I had been acting out of character.
Instead of blaming them for leaving me out, I tried to me diplomatic, and said I was probably being oversensitive and they probably didn’t realise what they were doing had made me feel that way, and I kind of expected them to apoligise too so we could all move on.

Instead they made no apoligies whatsoever. I have never felt so ganged up on in my life. They were both very patronising and overbearing in the way they spoke to me. They basically said I had been acting ‘weird’ for a while, and that I had ignored them on a few occasions at uni (when I hadn’t!) and that ‘J’ said that I acted like I couldn’t be bothered to get to know ‘T’ and I left her out on weekends. (i work at the weekend and 'T' spent so much time following 'J' around, I felt like she couldn't be bothered with me!)
They said that everyone has problems and they don’t have time for mine and I’d dragged the whole house down.
I didn’t get a chance to even air my side, which I still feel bitter about. I was partly that shocked/gobsmacked/ upset at their reaction that I couldn’t get my words out, and partly I was thinking, what is even the point, they won’t listen anyway.

What I thought was odd was that they claimed I had been acting ‘weird’ all this time (they didn’t give any other examples) but never thought to mention it. They claimed I caused them loads of trouble and caused a lot of upset, but never said anything to me.
You would think I had slept with one of their boyfriends or shot the family cat the way I have been vilified, but in my eyes all I did was keep out of their way, and if I had any idea how they felt I would have definitely done something to sort it out!
It also upset me that even though they thought I’d been acting out of character (apparently since the end of the year when me and ‘J’ were living together) and there was something wrong with me all that time, they never thought to ask me if I was ok. I HONESTLY didn’t have a clue that I was being ‘weird’ if I was!

I have since left university because of the stress (of everything, not just them) I feel really down and I am keen to just move on and forget about it. But they make out they are the victims and that I have made their lives hell. I just don’t understand. I know right from wrong, I know when I have been an idiot and when I haven’t. I know I should have said something about the situation but really if it was so bad they would have surely said something?
They act so hard done by, but I have had to leave all my friends, my course, and I’m paying out rent and bills for a house I don’t live in now and it has ruined uni for me. They will graduate this year with all their friends, and I won’t.

I feel like the whole situation has been going round and round in my head so long I can't even make sense of it anymore. Whilst all my friends have stood up for me and said that they have basically bullied me this year by acting the way they have, I keep doubting myself because of what they keep saying and its horrible. I suppose I would just really appreciate whatever advice or perspective anyone can give?
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Re: Housemate Hell!

Postby RagDoll » Wed Apr 08, 2009 4:13 pm

Firstly, I'd like to say that I can really relate and sympathise with you on this one. When I was in my second year of uni, four of us moved in together. I was particularly good friends with one of them "C", friends with another "H" and didn't really know the other, "A".

Unfortunately not long into the first term of second year H became quite ill and ended up dropping out of uni, leaving me and the other two housemates in the house (both male, whereas H was female!). For a start, I definitely believe in the saying "two is company, three is a crowd". Although my friend C and I got along fine, A spent the whole time sucking up to him (A was a complete snob and LOVED C, mostly because he'd been to Eton and was a bit of a posh boy!) and obviously C was flattered by this and with them both being male they naturally gravitated towards each other, making me feel left out. I would have accepted it if that was the end of the story, but A would go out of his way to make me feel left out and uncomfortable. I could give you lots of examples, but I'll stick with one to illustrate what I mean - our house was about a mile from our lecture theatres and A had a car so being the bone idol boy he was he'd drive there sometimes. Right in front of me he'd offer other people (including C) a lift home and not offer me one, so I'd end up walking home by myself and get in after my other housemates when he could have easily have given me a lift home too. We were all going to the same place!

Anyway, sorry for the ramble, I just wanted to explain that I really do understand how you feel!! To some extent, in your situation it sounds like there's been a complete breakdown in communication which is probably partly your fault (perhaps you should have said something earlier) but not by any means wholly your fault! The way they've dealt with it is horrible and they are equally to blame for not raising your 'weird' behaviour with you. I know it's easier said than done, but I think you'll just have to put this one down to experience and accept that some people are plain mean and refuse to see reason! Hope this has helped.
Last edited by RagDoll on Wed Apr 08, 2009 4:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Housemate Hell!

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Apr 08, 2009 4:17 pm

you have said it all and so have your friends now you just have to realise it - you didn;t do anything worng, at worst you didn't speak up but neither did they
They very obviously left you out or they wouldn't have gone in the bedroom

It;s a shame you gave up uni but you are most defiantely better off away from these two. They sound like they have a lot of growing up to do and the fact they didn't even want to hear your side shows there level of immaturity whereas you tried to be passive and deal with it in a non confrontational way

I think there is only one lesson to learn and that is let people know how you are feeling sooner, however I really don't think it would have made any difference

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Re: Housemate Hell!

Postby Jenny22 » Wed Apr 08, 2009 4:42 pm

Thankyou so much for your replies I really appreciate it. And RagDoll it was really helpful to hear that someone else had been through the same.

I am now tempted to agree with you BelBel, saying something probably wouldn't have made a difference. If I thought for one moment i'd made someone feel the way that I've felt the past few months, whether I thought I was in the right or not, I'd apoligise.

I sent a text to 'J' just saying how I felt, similar to what I said here, I was trying really hard to be diplomatic, I said that I regret not saying anything and I don't hold a grudge because I should have said something, but equally they didn't say anything to me and if I had known how they felt I would have done something about it , and that I regret that it has come to this because of a lack of communication but I suppose there has been too much water under the bridge for all of us, but I wish them luck for the future.

In reply I have just had a horrible text of one of them saying that she can't believe I haven't taken responsibility for what i've done, and even now i'm feeling sorry for myself and its pathetic and to leave her alone.

But I don't understand what i've done! Or if I did, if it was that bad surely they would have said something earlier?!? And if it was my fault, why on earth would I want to create a situation like that when I live in a house of 3?! Like you said BelBel, at worst I didn't speak up when I should have done, but why would I act weird for no reason? I don't feel sorry for myself, I'm very upset but just want to get on with everything and move on and I wanted to leave it on a good note.

Honestly I just feel like crying my eyes out I can't believe what a nightmare this has been. I feel like its all been blown out of proportion and I don't get why either of them will accept any responsibility. Its like watching someone eat your cake and not tell them you weren't supposed to until afterwards. Why never mention anything until now, and expect me to take 'responsibility' now when I wasn't even aware of what was going on in their heads?
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Re: Housemate Hell!

Postby Jenny22 » Wed Apr 08, 2009 4:50 pm

I hate feeling like this. I feel physically sick. I've never fallen out with anyone before. This year was supposed to be so good with the three of us, I can't believe its come to this :(
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Re: Housemate Hell!

Postby brfc » Wed Apr 08, 2009 9:57 pm

can i just ask why are you paying for rent and bills on a place you dont live in? personally after the way they have treated you id either (a) give them say a months notice to find a new housemate for the bills or they need to sort it out themselves. you dont owe them anything after whats happened and mayb the best thing would be to try to forget this episode cut your ties with them and move on.
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Re: Housemate Hell!

Postby Jenny22 » Thu Apr 09, 2009 9:02 am

Well to be quite honest I don't know why I'm paying either. But unfortunately we all signed separate contracts so if my bit of the rent doesn't get paid, then its me who gets chased for it, not them. And I know that they wouldn't have time to find anyone else and they can't afford to pay my bit themselves.

One of them had the cheek to say 'by the way you owe me £32 for the line rental on the phone until the end of the year, you can send me a cheque'. I'm not even going to be there to use the phone! We have the BT phoneline so we can get the internet, and they get the internet free because I get it with the contract on my phone, honestly, I feel like cancelling it, but would that just be a bit petty? Because its not like I need it anyway. I really hope they aren't going to start sending me bills for the electricity and stuff until the end of the year :( I can't afford that.
I don't know whether it would be worth speaking to citizens advice about it and getting my name taken off the bills so they can't harass me about it.

I'm getting really sick of their petty behaviour.
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Re: Housemate Hell!

Postby earthchild » Thu Apr 09, 2009 9:14 am

Hiya Jenny,

firstly let me say that you are definately not alone in this sort of situation, i myself have been through it and i can sympathise how painful this must be for you. In all honesty it sounds like they are truely childish cowardly people who are trying to cover any guilt they may feel with blaming you for the whole situation. what i cant get my head round is how they can say its down to you not communicating with them, erm hello? communication is a two-way thing and they certainly didnt keep up on their side of that bargain.
If i were you i just wouldnt bother with them anymore, you are too mature for them. Hold your head up, pay whatever it is you owe and dont pay for anything you dont owe, you are the better person here and just you remember that! :wink:
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Re: Housemate Hell!

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Thu Apr 09, 2009 9:15 am

Jenny22 wrote:We have the BT phoneline so we can get the internet, and they get the internet free because I get it with the contract on my phone, honestly, I feel like cancelling it, but would that just be a bit petty? Because


If they are being petty asking for money (ok rent is different) then yes I'd cancel the internet; say it's your internet and you need it where you are now.
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Re: Housemate Hell!

Postby RagDoll » Thu Apr 09, 2009 9:18 am

Jenny, speaking to Citizens Advice Bureau sounds sensible. I can see why you have to keep paying your share of the rent (even though it's rubbish for you - have you considered trying to find them an alternative tenant yourself?) but bills like gas and electricity aren't your problem anymore (not unless they cover some of the months you were in the house, but even so you'd only owe the proportionate amount!). Don't let them take the mick out of you!
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Re: Housemate Hell!

Postby Jenny22 » Thu Apr 09, 2009 9:53 am

Thankyou so much for your replies its been really comforting to hear that other people have been through the same things. This has been going on for so long now its been making me really doubt myself because they're making me out to be some kind of psycho, but I know i'm not! It doesn't make sense :(

I just want to pay what I owe and not give them any ammunition. I just want to move on now. I would LOVE to cancel that internet. I really don't see why they should benefit out of something which even though is labelled 'free', is essentially subsidised by my phone contract, but I don't need it, and I could do without the hassle.

I think I will try to speak to citizens advice as i'm not sure what my rights are, but I am going to pay up my rent until the end of term, hand my keys in and inform the utility companies i'm no longer living in the house, so at least legally (hopefully) they won't have a leg to stand on. I don't mind paying for what i've used, but after the way they've been i'm not paying to heat their house or wash their clothes.
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Re: Housemate Hell!

Postby RagDoll » Thu Apr 09, 2009 10:17 am

I would cancel the internet - why should they benefit from it?! You certainly don't owe them anything after the way they've treated you!

I think your plan of action sounds fine! Just as long as you keep it fair e.g. pay the rent and for whatever you've used they won't have a leg to stand on as you say!
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Re: Housemate Hell!

Postby ennis81 » Thu Apr 09, 2009 10:29 am

Hiya love,
They both sound really horrible to me :evil: Sometimes people can just change for no reason other than it suits them, it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong at all sweety, female friends can be very bitchy and unfortunately you've been treated very badly through no fault of your own, I know how hurtful this is but you just have to let it go now and move on, maybe start another course in another college, they don't sound like very good friends to me and your way better off without them, Sort out what ever you have to in the house and college with the minimum of fuss, don't give them any more fuel for the fire!!!!
I'm a big believer in KARMA so put it behind you, swallow down those tears and give yourself a little treat to cheer yerself up a bit, You live and learn hun, just put it down to experience and although its hard try and stop thinking about it, They ain't worth it, Keep smiling xxxx
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Re: Housemate Hell!

Postby spacebadger » Tue Apr 14, 2009 6:18 pm

Hey

I just wanted to say that I went through almost exactly the same thing when I was at Uni. Four of us were supposed to move in together, two sets of best friends. Then just before we moved in, the other two fell out with my best friend and she decided not to move in. I had already signed up and paid and everything so I couldn't really get out of it, and anyway I still got on ok with them at that point. But then they made my life an absolute misery that year, and to add insult to injury my Dad walked out on my Mum during that time and I really hit rock bottom and they just carried on being bitchy (I had been nothing but polite to them the whole time as that was how I chose to deal with it) and leaving me out. I managed to see the year through, ignoring my problems and refusing to let my Mum know what a hard time I was having, instead I put all the energy I had into supporting her. Even now (9 years later) I still feel a bit angry when I think about it but more with myself really for being so weak and not standing up to them more but I know now that I am a much stronger person than I was then and that it was their problem not mine. I have met sooo many much nicer and more genuine people since, and it's hard to believe this at the time I know, but things will get better and you can and will move on. You sound like a really nice person who has had such a hard time of it, but hold your head up high and get back at them in your own mind by doing whatever it is you want to do with your life. Good luck xx
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Re: Housemate Hell!

Postby Jenny22 » Tue Jun 23, 2009 2:08 pm

Oh my god I just want to cry :(

As you might know I have continued to pay rent on this house I don't even live in anymore. I have been really struggling for money and have been late paying my last couple of months rent, because I've been supporting myself and paying out rent on the house on the wages of a part time job. (Although I have now since scraped the money together and paid it in full, along with the interest and charges my landlord slapped on)

I did inform him of the situation, and gave him my number and new address in case he needed to talk to me, and to reassure him I wasn't just going to do a runner. In the meantime he decided to send letters out, not only to my dad, but to the parents of the girls I was living with. As you can imagine, it has kicked off big time, and I have received quite a few horrible texts off of one of the girls mothers.
The letter was really unprofessional, and was clearly written in a way to cause tension between us all, and was basically making out that he was going to go after the other two for the rent if I didn't pay, as we are all 'jointly responsible'.
In addition, I've had a texts from the landlord, reminding me I owe him rent every few days since, and lots of letters.

The whole thing has been a nightmare and I'm sick of it and I just want to draw a line under it now.

I was so happy when I finally managed to pay him the money to clear my arrears, and I was happy it was finally over. No more harassment!

Until today, when he text me saying I still owe him rent and he is going to take me to court unless I pay it by the 30th. He's obviously not checked his statement properly, so I text him back and said I have paid it, and I can provide him with a bank statement as proof, and gave him the account number and sort code of where I transferred it to. He's not replied to my message so as of yet I don't know where I stand with all this.
I just really can't be bothered with this. And I'm worried he's going to dig his heels in now about giving me my deposit back, or at least make it difficult for me.

I just feel so down. I don't even feel like I want to go back to uni. I've lost so much confidence in myself and I don't think I am capable of performing if I go back. I'm worried i won't get into the uni I want to transfer to, when before I would have confidently strolled into the interview. I just feel like I've lost everything and I don't know what to do anymore or where to start sorting things out.
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