Right Thing or Gargantuan Error?

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Right Thing or Gargantuan Error?

Postby mattmxl » Thu Apr 09, 2009 1:20 pm

So...here's alittle bit of the background. Am pretty much in love wit this girl but she doesn't want to be anything more than friends, which I've just about accepted now after 18 months or so. We get on as friends quite well, at least we have done lately, untill I made this decision. Now this girl openy admitted to liking one of my friends, one who is a proper charmer and knows how to bring women "under his spell", I've seen hardened femenists go weak at the knee when he talks to them. My friend has always said to me that he didn't like her and that he wouldn't go anywhere near her, especially because he knew how I felt about her! The girl and I went out for dinner a week ago and after we'd got home and were just talking about nothing in particular, she told me that she felt like they'd been "seeing" each other, they'd spent quite a lot of time together and he had tried to get closer to her on several occasions.

I'm unsure as to what emotion I felt the stronger. The disappointment that she had chosen another one of my friends before me again, or anger at my friend for blatently lying to me about the issue. I really wanted to challenge him about it, but she asked me not to say anything as she didn't want to cause trouble between us and put strains on our friendship, so I couldn't say anything to him because I'd have broken a promise. I stopped contacting him completely, but then he got in touch with me asking what was going on etc etc. He eventually admitted to giving her a "peck on the cheek" after she had driven him home from a party one night, though he wouldn't admit trying to get any closer to her than that and this was the only occasion it happened.

So now I don't talk to him at all, I somewhat feel a lot of anger that he lied to me about it. If he'd been honest I could have accepted that, I'd have had no choice but to accept that, but now our friendship has pretty much ended. Some people have called me an idiot for doing this and he claims that I have stabbed him in the back by not speaking to him anymore. Is this right? Was I right? What do you think?
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Re: Right Thing or Gargantuan Error?

Postby earthchild » Thu Apr 09, 2009 1:44 pm

hello mattmxl,

firstly i have to ask, what makes you think he has lied to you?

mattmxl wrote:she told me that she felt like they'd been "seeing" each other, they'd spent quite a lot of time together and he had tried to get closer to her on several occasions.


it is possible that she has the wrong idea, if he is a charming man and she already likes him then it possible that she is feeling more than what is there ? if that makes sense.
what sort of things were they doing in this time they have spent together ?
if your friend is telling the truth about it 'only being a peck on the cheek' then im not sure what the problem is ?
im just thinking that your friend could be totally innocent and you could be loosing a good friendship, will need to know why you think he is lying to be able to express my opinion as to whether you have made a mistake or not..

another thing that is a little weird is that she has asked you not to talk to your friend about the situation, but at the end of the day he is your friend and you should be able to talk to him about it because after all it has already put a big strain on your friendship.
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Re: Right Thing or Gargantuan Error?

Postby mattmxl » Thu Apr 09, 2009 1:59 pm

Hey earthchild.

What makes me think he has lied to me is the fact that he has on many previous occasions told me that he wouldn't go anywhere near her, when she's saying he has. She is a far more trustworthy individual than he on this sort of issue. She claims that it was a full on kiss and that he tried to get her to go further with him afterwards, which to me sounds a little bit more than a peck on the cheek. The basic reason I think he's lying is because she said he is and she is a far nicer and trustworth person than him. Am sorry I didn't make that clear originally, it was a rather brief explanation of the problem but hopefully this might make the situation a little clearer. Thanks for your help.
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Re: Right Thing or Gargantuan Error?

Postby earthchild » Thu Apr 09, 2009 2:08 pm

:-k
then i guess it does come down to who you trust the more, if you gut instinct is telling you that he is lying then it is probably right, but theres something inside of you that isn't quite so sure as you wouldn't of posted the problem in the first place.
sorry im probably confusing you more.... ill stop now..!
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from the fruit come seeds and
from the seeds you have a harvest full of dreams.

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Re: Right Thing or Gargantuan Error?

Postby mattmxl » Thu Apr 09, 2009 2:12 pm

Nah, ur not confusing me further, I'm pretty certian the decision I have taken is the right one. But there have been several people around me that have told me what I have done is worng and an error. I just begin to wonder sometimes whether I'm completely out of touch with the rest of the world sometimes, just wondered what people thought who were outsiders to the problem. I'm grateful you took the time to read it honestly.
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Re: Right Thing or Gargantuan Error?

Postby earthchild » Thu Apr 09, 2009 2:14 pm

ok, i lied, just one more thing, i would just advise you to talk to him again, look him in the eye and tell him what this girl has said and check out his reaction, if it still dont feel right to you then i would seriously think about re-valuing your friendship.
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Re: Right Thing or Gargantuan Error?

Postby mattmxl » Thu Apr 09, 2009 2:21 pm

The problem with that is though that I promised her I wouldn't say anything about it to him, as she has enough else on her mind at the moment and he will no doubt give her grief about it, so my hands are a little bit tied when it comes to telling him everything. Although that is what I would ideally like to do.
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Re: Right Thing or Gargantuan Error?

Postby Skarlet » Thu Apr 09, 2009 2:25 pm

To be honest, if you really want to know what happened you need to talk to him. You have made the decision on her word alone, and that isn't fair to your mate, which is why he feels like he has been stabbed in the back.

Put yourself in his shoes, if someone stopped talking to you without allowing you to give your side of the story, you would feel just as aggrieved.
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Re: Right Thing or Gargantuan Error?

Postby mattmxl » Thu Apr 09, 2009 2:34 pm

Thats true, I absolutely would actually. Although when he did finally admit he'd kissed her, he didn't admit to everything and said it was "no big deal". So in my head it still feels like he's lying to me! Am sorry to badger on about this the whole time, but thanks for your advice.
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Re: Right Thing or Gargantuan Error?

Postby earthchild » Thu Apr 09, 2009 2:36 pm

i think alicat has made the point i was poorly trying to make!
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from the fruit come seeds and
from the seeds you have a harvest full of dreams.

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Re: Right Thing or Gargantuan Error?

Postby mattmxl » Thu Apr 09, 2009 2:49 pm

So the general concensus I'm getting here is that it was an error to act in the way that I did? OK guys and girls, thanks, thats put an interesting slant on it for me.
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Re: Right Thing or Gargantuan Error?

Postby Skarlet » Thu Apr 09, 2009 2:56 pm

Have you considered that maybe you have unconsciously made him the scapegoat, because you would rather believe the girl over him? He may have completely meant what he said, but then got drunk, and made a mistake. he may have been trying to protect you when he tried and make it sound less to you, he knew how you felt.

Why did the girl tell you anyway?
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Re: Right Thing or Gargantuan Error?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Thu Apr 09, 2009 2:59 pm

Your female friend may be telling you these things to make you jealous if she knows you like her; or because she's manipulative and wants you to loose all your friends (ok I am being harsh but I'm looking at it from another angle to everyone else here).

I agree with what people have said - yuo need to ask your friend what happened - I don't care if she said don't tell him because is it really worth loosing a friend over this?
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Re: Right Thing or Gargantuan Error?

Postby mattmxl » Thu Apr 09, 2009 3:07 pm

Why she told me I haven't really worked out, we were just chatting away and it came out, maybe she thought I already knoew or something, but as soon as she said it she could tell I didn't know already. He might have made a mistake, well all make them and live and die by them, but to continue to lie to me about it by saying nothing had happened even after it had, well thats the bit I'm having difficulty with. A friend to me is somebody who doesn't do that. I can understand that by not telling me he thought he could avoid hurting me, but discovering he's lied for that length of time is somehow worse to me.

Dipsydoodlenoodle, I did ask him if anything had happened, and he came out with his version of events, and as I couldn't tell him what hers were I was interested to see what he'd say back, and his events didn't match hers by a long chalk. Maybe I am being blind and stupid, but she really isn't the type to do that kind of thing, turn people against each other, if ya knew her you'd understand that.
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Re: Right Thing or Gargantuan Error?

Postby RagDoll » Thu Apr 09, 2009 3:10 pm

I agree with some of the above - I don't understand why she told you, then basically tied your hands by asking you not to talk to him about it because "it'd put a strain on your friendship"... she must have known that would happen anyway. It seems you think she's the innocent party in all of this, but I don't see that as being the case. Why did she tell you something she must have known would hurt you?!

Secondly, if your mate did give her a full on kiss, I can see why you're narked, but I don't think it's a good enough reason to stop being friends with him. As hard as it is to accept, your female friend has made it clear she doesn't want to be anymore than friends with you so I think she's 'fair game' so to speak.
Last edited by RagDoll on Thu Apr 09, 2009 3:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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