Friend has lost her memory

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Friend has lost her memory

Postby furry » Mon Apr 27, 2009 1:15 am

Ok, this is a bit of a confusing one, you couldn't write this kind of stuff.

My friend who is 19 woke up on Wednesday morning and thought she was 15, she remembers nothing of the last 3 to 3 1/2 year. After being at the Dr it turns out she had a bleed in her brain which affected her memory. I'm lucky that i met her not long before her memory goes so she still knows who I am.

Her boyfriend has been lying to her about stuff that has happened but most of that has been sorted out thanks to myslef and a couple of her other friends.

That's the background to my question, now for the actual question. I have saved msn messenger conversations from the last 2 years, shortly after I broke up with my girlfriend and when we started talking properly. There is alot of information in these messages as this is mostly how we got to know each other and only more recently (last 6 months or so) have we started meeting up for coffee and the like. There are things in there which I personally don't know if she'd want to know them or not, or if anyone has told her about them yet. The last conversation saved between us before she lost her memory is about her going to cheat on her boyfriend with me (he's cheated on her countless times and she didn't see us getting together for some fun as cheating seen as he wasn't doing it with her in the first place) I think she has the right to know what her life was really like and the best way to do that is see what she said about it to me in these messages, that way it's in her own words and not what someone else has decided to tell her. Ok, she probably doesn't need to know that she was planning on cheating on her boyfriend but it is a part of her even if she doens't remember it.

So the question to you is, do i give her a copy of the messages or not?

P.S. I don't want peoples opinions on whether us getting together for some fun is wrong or not, it's not going to happen now or any time soon, it just wouldn't be right and i wouldn't be comfortable with it.
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Re: Friend has lost her memory

Postby earthchild » Mon Apr 27, 2009 9:08 am

Hi Furry,

how very sad for your friend, it must be so strange and frightening for her.
In answer to your question, i think you should definately show her the messages. I am advising this because she needs to know what she was like and what she was thinking by her own accord (ie:through her own words on these chat logs) and not just through what people tell her, unfortunately there are people in this world who will use this to their own advantage and may possibley try to re-write history if you catch my drift.
Hopefully, it may help jog her memory back into action, you never know.
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Re: Friend has lost her memory

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Apr 27, 2009 9:34 am

I agree with earthchild however I don't think I'd include the one where she was saying about cheating. I think if she's upset about her memory loss then it's not going to help her. Maybe tell her you have one conversation she had with you but she may not like to read what she's written and would she like to read it? - that way you are giving her the choice.
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Re: Friend has lost her memory

Postby mattmxl » Mon Apr 27, 2009 3:59 pm

dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:I agree with earthchild however I don't think I'd include the one where she was saying about cheating.


Forgive me if I'm wrong or have misunderstood you here, but isn't that a prime example of the editing or re-writing history that Earthchild was on about?

For my two cents, yes show her the conversations. I'm no brian surgeon nor am I even anything vaugely medical, but showing her conversations you had might very well job her memory along if the damage that has happened to her is recoverable. If she doesn't like what she sees then maybe she can become a different person having seen what she once said, but you have to show her everything. Every little detail might help her along and re-enforce the beleif that you are somebody she can trust.
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Re: Friend has lost her memory

Postby RagDoll » Mon Apr 27, 2009 4:01 pm

I think it's all well and good showing her the conversations - but I'm a bit sceptical about your real motives. Do you have this persons' best interests at heart or are you hoping she'll still "get together for some fun" once you've showed her what she said?!
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Re: Friend has lost her memory

Postby mattmxl » Mon Apr 27, 2009 4:24 pm

RagDoll wrote:I think it's all well and good showing her the conversations - but I'm a bit sceptical about your real motives. Do you have this persons' best interests at heart or are you hoping she'll still "get together for some fun" once you've showed her what she said?!


The last line of his post said he wouldn't be.
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Re: Friend has lost her memory

Postby furry » Mon Apr 27, 2009 4:28 pm

RagDoll wrote:I think it's all well and good showing her the conversations - but I'm a bit sceptical about your real motives. Do you have this persons' best interests at heart or are you hoping she'll still "get together for some fun" once you've showed her what she said?!


See that's exactly why i wanted someone elses opinion on this before i did it. I don't want it to be misconstrued as this is what i want, I don't, it really wouldn't be right (not that helping her cheat on her boyfriend is). If that was the reason for giving her the messages would i have asked for people opinions before doing it?
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Re: Friend has lost her memory

Postby miaow » Mon Apr 27, 2009 9:20 pm

How horrible for your friend.

I would show her the messages, if it would help her. I am on the fence with the ones about cheating, it may be too much information too soon. Mind you if there are 2 yrs worth of messages, it will take her a long time to read it all so it could be months down the line before she comes to read about the proposed cheating.

Ask her, tell her you have these messages and would she like to read them. She might have saved messages herself on her MSN account, remind her so she can see if she has saved conversations. Ask her if she'd like to see the ones you've saved and warn her that there is stuff in there she might find a shock.

Other than that I would be there for her as a friend, she must be feeling so isolated and insecure at the moment.
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Re: Friend has lost her memory

Postby furry » Tue Apr 28, 2009 12:29 am

I have to tell her about the cheating thing, it's not fair to hide it, i feel wrong keeping it from her, it would be building our friendship on a lack of truth. I just have to hope she goes with the emotions she felt for me before i tell her. It's strange she can't remember people but can remember emotions attached to them, as in she remembers she likes me and can trust me, or she remembers that her boyfriend is a bit shifty and she should be wary about what he says, must be something to do with what part of her brain was affected.

I'll ask her if she wants the messages too, after the cheating things there isn't anything in it she really won't like or doesn't already know about, had a look earlier to see.

I really hope it goes well and we are still friends after it. This has really been eating at me all weekend and enough is enough.

Thanks for your advice, i'll let you know how i get on.
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Re: Friend has lost her memory

Postby rufio89 » Tue Apr 28, 2009 8:05 am

Maybe you should just mention that you have these conversations, some good and some not so good, and just ask her if she'd like to see them.
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Re: Friend has lost her memory

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Apr 28, 2009 8:50 am

miaow wrote:I am on the fence with the ones about cheating, it may be too much information too soon.


That is exactly why I said don't give them to her right now. She's lost her memory - so she will be upset, her bf has been lying to her - she will be upset. I think you should mention you have some conversations, some she may not want to read at the minute but she is more than welcome to them at the minute.

furry wrote:I have to tell her about the cheating thing, it's not fair to hide it, i feel wrong keeping it from her, it would be building our friendship on a lack of truth. I just have to hope she goes with the emotions she felt for me before i tell her.


I agree with the first part of what you said however "I just have to hope she goes with the emotions she felt for me before i tell her" THAT does not agree with what I've quoted you saying here...

furry wrote:P.S. I don't want peoples opinions on whether us getting together for some fun is wrong or not, it's not going to happen now or any time soon, it just wouldn't be right and i wouldn't be comfortable with it.


So why do you want her to feel the emotions she did for you before hand if you don't want to act on it? - Why not wait a couple of months until she's feeling happier and then show her?
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Re: Friend has lost her memory

Postby furry » Tue Apr 28, 2009 9:38 am

So why do you want her to feel the emotions she did for you before hand if you don't want to act on it?


By emotions she felt before I meant the emotions she's felt before i told her, not the emotions she felt before she lost her memory. I don't care if she still wants to sleep with me, i couldn't do it.

If i don't tell her now and then tell her later she could start doubting everything else i've said so then be in a worse situation than she is now?

I can't do this, I feel like i'm lying to her even though i've not said anything.
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Re: Friend has lost her memory

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Apr 28, 2009 10:26 am

[quote="furryBy emotions she felt before I meant the emotions she's felt before i told her, not the emotions she felt before she lost her memory. I don't care if she still wants to sleep with me, i couldn't do it.[/quote]

Before you told her what? I'm confused at the whole emotion bit :(
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Re: Friend has lost her memory

Postby furry » Tue Apr 28, 2009 10:54 am

I've confused myself now too.

She know that she likes me and trusts me, and she knows that's how she felt before she lost her memory. I feel like i'm betraying her trust by not telling her. I hope that after i tell her she can still trust me and still wants to be friends, if not, it's something i'll have to deal with.

Thanks for all the advice, i'm not just going to give her the conversations and let her find out for herself when she get to the end, i'm going to tell her there's something i have to tell her that she might not like and ask if she wants to know.
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Re: Friend has lost her memory

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Apr 28, 2009 11:12 am

I think that is the best option. At least then she can ask questions and find out "how bad" the thing she's said is. Maybe she won't want to know but curiosity might get the best of her. I think by pre-warning her at least you aren't just being blunt and giving her to her and not hiding it from her.
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