Need advice about my ex

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Need advice about my ex

Postby unite » Tue Jun 30, 2009 8:13 pm

Hi! I thought I check out this site and am not sure if this is the right area to go in.

My ex got in contact with via the social networking site just to ask me how I am, nothing more over a month ago. At first I was glad to hear from her but knew that I wasnt happy to receive a message on the networking site as she found me through there. Anyway it was a year since she finished with me totally out of the blue and said that she didnt want a relationship with me anymore which was fine. I accepted and needed time alone to come to terms with it after expressing my feelings of hurt until I was ready to keep the friendship going. (We were together on and off for a little over a year.) Over month later I felt ready and better to get in contact so asked her how she was via sms. She replied advising me that she was very busy studying and that she met someone else (two weeks after the split) and she thinks this would have repercussions on our friendship. I didnt reply back until the next day wishing her well in her new relationship and to take care. Her response was just 'Thanks'

It is a long story but to cut it short before she finished with me we had a wonderful time for the last three or so months having seen her achieve what she managed to get therefore happy, got the course she wanted and she expressed her feelings towards me and was happy that I introduced her as my partner. I knew she suffered from depression due to all the stress of not getting what she wanted, her family, no money as she was (and still is) on the dole, etc etc. I have done alot to support her and offer advice but at the same time treated her as my friend and partner like we all do grow through bad times too. I know that when she finished with me she was telling me how she was feeling, she had no time for a relationship due to the course and other things. I remember when I listened to her (sorry cant remember everything that has been said as I was still in shock when she finished with me) I realised that she simply was not happy. I asked her one question "Is there anything that would make her happy?" Her reply was her ex (not me) who treated her like ---- and did not treat her with respect.

Right now a little over a month of receiving a message from her I have not replied purely on the basis of my own confusion as to why she would want to contact me let alone advise me that friendship was not a good idea. Also I felt not appreciated via the social networking site. Most of all I never received an apology for hurting me after all she told me that I havent done anything wrong to cause her to break up with me!

Dont get me wrong. I do care for her and wonder how she is but getting in contact with her...I fear being hurt again as I have been few times with her. I am asking myself after all the stuff she said and did to me...has this been caused by her depression? I would like to understand it more for me.

Secondly in her profile on the networking site she was talking about what her ideal match is which resulted in very similar characteristics as me. She wrote what she thought of her results... her reply was "So none of my exes then...BOOOoooo" and the next day she wrote another thought "Except maybe for one..she is probably harvesting and feeding the chickens at the mo" which certinly is a reference to me because I used to cook them for her. I mean it saddens me that she write in such a way undermining her exes like me rather than keep it to herself.

I know I need to protect myself and look after myself. I value myself too much to allow someone do that to me. What saddens me is that she doesnt see it that way let alone feel that she doesnt value herself. Was I right not to reply back?
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Re: Need advice about my ex

Postby Fragmented » Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:27 pm

Hi,

I get the impression that even though it's been a year since you and your ex broke up, you're still upset about how it ended. This is understandable if you say she didn't treat you right, ended it suddenly, with little or no explanation.

There could be several reasons to why she got in touch again after such a long time. Maybe she wanted to catch up, maybe she has missed you, maybe she does regret the way things ended, maybe she just thought she'd look you up, or, maybe she does want to patch things up. The trouble is, nobody can really answer that but her.

If she didn't treat you right last time and has never acknowledged that or apologised then you're under no obligation to reply to her. You can go about your life and keep her out of it (..as you have so far). But if you want some kind of friendship with her then replying would be the first step towards that.

I do wonder why she's left it so long before contacting you out of the blue, but I wouldn't read too much into her varying messages on her profile status.
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Re: Need advice about my ex

Postby unite » Tue Jun 30, 2009 10:30 pm

That's exactly what I thought...what is her motive behind getting in touch with me? After all she is single again thus probably the reason getting in contact with me with no 'repurcussion'....or it could be something else?
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Re: Need advice about my ex

Postby Fragmented » Tue Jun 30, 2009 10:55 pm

Like you said yourself, she is single again so who knows - maybe she's after some company? Or maybe she's reminiscing about the past?

I think whatever her motives might be, if she didn't treat you well while you were together, I don't know if it's worth the hassle maintaining contact with her now. It all depends on what you guys shared and if you think you want to take the chance and let her back into your life.
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Re: Need advice about my ex

Postby lidopig » Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:02 pm

She's messing with your head.DON'T go there,there's far better people around.
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Re: Need advice about my ex

Postby unite » Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:05 pm

Hmm that is something quite difficult...I mean I dont want to sound cruel in not replying back though I had a reason purely on the basis of getting in touch via the networking site.....I would have preferred if she got in touch via my private mail, or sms, or phone or snail mail. I simply do not know why she did it that way. And of course I have a right not to reply if I choose to.

Lidopig:::

Thanks for your reply too. Yes I understand what you mean...it did my head in a month ago when she got in touch and what with all the networking stuff in there afterwards....thought she is old enough to know not to publicly show it!
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Re: Need advice about my ex

Postby lidopig » Wed Jul 01, 2009 8:50 am

Until you make a fresh start ( stay friends if you want) you are never going to be free.Let's face it any relationship with her is never going to be the same again,is it?
Onwards and upwards is what I say!
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Re: Need advice about my ex

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Jul 01, 2009 9:09 am

There could be a million reasons as to why she got back in touch with you.

Reply if you want to, however it doesn't seem like you are over the relationship. You need to be happy with yourself before you can contact her.

I keep in touch with an ex; I much prefer him as a friend. We both know where we stand, I think he did try to get back with me but I made it clear friendship was the the only option.

If you were in an on-off relationship with her, if you go back to her I can imagine it will be the same.
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Re: Need advice about my ex

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jul 01, 2009 12:00 pm

I agree with lidopig and dipsys last comment is the reason
She probably wants to use you as some to fill her time whilst she is single
If it was a month ago so she have moved on by now too
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Re: Need advice about my ex

Postby unite » Wed Jul 01, 2009 1:19 pm

Thanks guys and girls.....

I have no intention of renewing the relationship cause I made myself clear about it and also it will just be the same old same old situation and it would tire me. I would like to remain friends which I offered but she shoved me when she told me she met someone else and think that friendship wouldnt be a good idea...now a year later she asks me how I am????

Dont get me wrong the whole year has been fantastic with me and I was happy and am generally happy. I want to live in peace and harmony....was only confused as to why she gets in contact and my gut feeling is as her relationship broke down, she wants to get in contact with me because I am an 'easy target' and knows I would listen and whatever. I bumped into her friend in March just gone to ask how she was keeping. He advised that her father passed away in January and that she was away for few weeks visiting her mother and I was told that she was in a relationship...two months later she contacts me and changed her status as a single person looking for relationship, friendship and networking.

I think it is more the curiousity out of me wanting to know 'why' just to have closure.
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Re: Need advice about my ex

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Jul 01, 2009 1:21 pm

unite wrote:my gut feeling is as her relationship broke down, she wants to get in contact with me because I am an 'easy target' and knows I would listen and whatever


I think that is the EXACT reason she contacted you.
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Re: Need advice about my ex

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jul 01, 2009 2:51 pm

I know it's horrible not getting closure but some people just aren't willing to be honest and tell us the reasons why
Try not to hang onto why you say yourself you have been happy and would rather peace and harmony and she isn't going to give you that
Any answers she gives you may only make you more confused
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Re: Need advice about my ex

Postby Fragmented » Wed Jul 01, 2009 5:44 pm

I totally agree with the above two posts.

She's probably only contacted you to fill in a bit of a gap while she's single. And like bel bel said, she's more likely to confuse you even more than offer any explanations.

You're obviously much happier now without her, that's as good a reason as any to not contact her.
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