Friends' Wedding

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Friends' Wedding

Postby RagDoll » Thu Jul 09, 2009 2:12 pm

Hi all,

Just a bit of background – my two closest friends and I have all known each other since we were three years old and have always been good friends.

Recently there’s been a lot of tension between my friends, and I feel a bit like piggy in the middle sometimes. One of my friends, let’s call her Amy, is a bit of a flake and unreliable and this gets on my other friends’ nerves - let’s call her Jane. I can totally understand where Jane is coming from, but Amy has always been the same (though she’s getting worse), so I tend to overlook it and be more laid back, after all, she’s never going to change.

Jane has approached Amy several times and pulled her up on her behaviour, but although Amy has apologised, I think deep down it’s got her back up – she feels like Jane doesn’t understand that she’s got a busy life (she has a child whereas Jane and I haven’t).

I’m sick of being stuck in the middle – most of the time I agree with what Jane says about Amy, but I also accept Jane, faults and all, and (try) to appreciate that she has different priorities to us. Having said that, it wouldn’t hurt her to put in a bit more of an effort, even if it’s just the odd text/email etc.

Anyway, this problem has all been amplified recently since Amy announced she’s getting married in March 2011. She asked me to be head bridesmaid but didn’t want to offend Jane, so she told her that there isn’t a head bridesmaid as such and that I will be fulfilling some of the head bridesmaids’ duties.

Amy is also expecting quite a lot of us – she wants to go to Ibiza in September next year for her hen do. For a start that is the last place on earth I want to go – I’m not into that whole clubbing scene and just don’t fancy it. It’s also pretty pricey and it’s going to be difficult to afford it, we all live with our boyfriends now, so it’s not like we live with our parents and don’t have to worry about bills/mortgages/rent etc.

On top of that she’s also said that she wants us to pay for our shoes and hair to be done on the day (as we’re bridesmaids) – I know that’s probably fair enough, but it’s all going to add up.

Anyway, Jane is not at all happy with these arrangements and thinks it’s too much to ask (I have to agree – I’d be interested to know what everyone else thinks??) so when she brings it up, I find myself agreeing with her and drawn into an almost b!tchy conversation about the whole thing. Then I feel guilty. I don’t want to be the ‘bad guy’ and disappoint Amy by telling her it’s going to be extremely difficult to afford Ibiza etc. but I do agree with Jane.

I was just wondering if anyone has any advice/opinions which might help? I’m not sure what’s reasonable/unreasonable and how to make the whole situation a bit better!
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Re: Friends' Wedding

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Jul 09, 2009 2:26 pm

Well you need to be honest about the ibiza thing
Tell her although it's a year away it's going to be tough finacially and you will be happy to do a night out here before or after Ibiza but you are really not going to be able to do it especially as you have to pay for shoes hair etc which you are quite happy to do but you can't do everything so it's ibiza that has to give
Be careful about witching about her because if Jane and Amy go off big time Jane may quote you as agreeeing with her on this and that.
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Re: Friends' Wedding

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Jul 09, 2009 2:28 pm

ON THE aMY NOT KEEPING IN TOUCH THING, DOES SHE WORK?
working and having a child really does take up so much time, although she should be able to find a few minutes to text or email but she probably knows you will get in touch so just waits for you. I think on this note she probably won't change it's just the way she is.
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Re: Friends' Wedding

Postby RagDoll » Thu Jul 09, 2009 2:40 pm

I don't feel I can say that about Ibiza though in a way - it seems a bit poor that the head bridesmaid doesn't bother to go to the brides' hen doo doesn't it? :-?

I just wish she would do something a bit less expensive - obviously I'm happy to go out and celebrate, it's just that going abroad is going to cost a lot. I suppose part of me resents spending hundreds of pounds going somewhere that I hate the idea of too (though I know it's not up to me to choose the 'theme' for someone elses' hen doo).

In fairness, she does work full-time, but there are times when she's just plain rude. For example, she emailed me last week and said she was going to be by herself on Saturday night (her fiancee and little boy were going camping) and suggested we do something. I emailed back and asked her over to mine, but she didn't even bother to reply. I emailed her on Monday to check she'd received my email and she said she had, no explaination offered for her lack of response. If she'd just apologised for not replying, I would have left it at that, but if someone invites you to their house, surely you have the decency to accept or decline their offer??! We got into a bit of an argument then as she said she couldn't have come anyway as she didn't have the car, I said fair enough, but that she could have let me know. She said she was busy at work, I said what about texts. Then she said well I could have text her about it too - but why should I have to email AND text her just to get a response, surely the ball was in her court??! Anyway, sorry for the rant, I just wanted to illustrate what it can be like!
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Re: Friends' Wedding

Postby Skarlet » Thu Jul 09, 2009 2:45 pm

Even though you are head bridesmaid, if you can't afford to go, then you shouldn't get in debt to do so. I would just say sorry that you can't afford the Hen do, and ask her to have a smaller one over here. You shouldn't spend money on something you don't enjoy, you will just resent it.

It does sound pretty rude of her tbh. I can understand why you would feel narked at her.
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Re: Friends' Wedding

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Jul 10, 2009 11:32 am

I AGREE YOU CAN ALWAYS SUGGEST IF SHE WOULD RATHER MAKE SOMEONE ELSE HEAD BRIDESMAID AS YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO COME WITH HER YOU WILL UNDERSTAND - on caps oops!!
People can't expect everyone to have the budget to do what thye want
My daughter was my bridesmiad and she was nearly 16 so we didn't take her on the hen doo as we wouldn't be able to go out to bars.
You have two choices either be brave and tell her or waste all your money but she doesn't sound like she deserves it
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Re: Friends' Wedding

Postby RagDoll » Fri Jul 10, 2009 12:59 pm

Do people think it's reasonable for her to be expecting us to go to Ibiza?! I know she's likely to fall out with me if I don't go - well, she won't exactly, she'll say it's fine, but I know she won't think that really and will probably think less of me.
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Re: Friends' Wedding

Postby Skarlet » Fri Jul 10, 2009 1:14 pm

No, I don't think it is reasonable to expect people to go to Ibiza for someones hen do, I know going for a weekend break is more popular now, but its only good if everyone can afford it. So there has to be some consideration for that. Hence a lot of people have two or three hen or stag dos, to cater for everybody.

The thing to ask yourself, can you really afford the extra expense?
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Re: Friends' Wedding

Postby RagDoll » Fri Jul 10, 2009 1:37 pm

To be honest if I started saving now (which is difficult at this very moment in time since I'm struggling as it is to not go into my over-draft each month) I guess I could probably afford it. I'd be pushing it though and that would end up being my only holiday away that year - somewhere I don't even want to visit (chavvy dance music type clubs really aren't my thing). Plus, my boyfriend and I are trying to save for a deposit (we already live together, but we want to get somewhere in a nicer area and rent our current house out).

It's just come along at the wrong time in a way - I'm not young enough to still live at home (hence have a much larger disposable income) but I'm not old enough to be earning more and be a bit better off.
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Re: Friends' Wedding

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Jul 10, 2009 2:45 pm

No it is not reasonable
I had a weekend away and asked everyone to come but said upfront I totally understood anyone who couldn't afford it
Then I had a big night out here for everyone else and even then some of the girls only did half the night because they just couldn't afford it
If your are saving for a house that is far more important
she can't decide your money priorities for you
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Re: Friends' Wedding

Postby RagDoll » Fri Jul 10, 2009 2:58 pm

Yeh, that's the way I see it - that I've got better things to be spending that kind of money on basically. I don't know what to do yet, I think she wants us to go to the travel agents on 1st Aug to get an idea of prices, so if it's pricey (and it looks like it will be having looked on the net), that might be a good time to say I just can't afford it.
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Re: Friends' Wedding

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Jul 22, 2009 10:19 am

RagDoll wrote:I don't feel I can say that about Ibiza though in a way - it seems a bit poor that the head bridesmaid doesn't bother to go to the brides' hen doo doesn't it? :-?


You could suggest it might be a bit too expensive to go but if she went there and had a night out here or a weekend here somewhere you'd be more than happy to attend that. My friend has just had her hen party and she had a meal out on Friday, Saturday we went to Go Ape and Saturday night there was a fancy dress party and she was happy people attended one event. Maybe your friend could do something similar over a weekend so lots of different people could attend.
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Re: Friends' Wedding

Postby RagDoll » Wed Jul 22, 2009 12:18 pm

I know she is having a normal night out in our home town for those that cannot make Ibiza, but I also know she's expecting her closest friends to go to the Ibiza doo, and her not-so-close friends to go to the one here.

There has been some positive things said since my last post about it though - she emailed me the other day about going to get prices for Ibiza and said that she migth have to re-think the plans if it's too expensive as she doesn't want to bankrupt everyone, which gave me the perfect opportunity to say something, so I basically just said something along the lines of "to be honest I have been concerned about how much it's going to cost as it's much harder to afford such things now I'm living with (boyfriend's name), but I didn't want to put a dampner on things by saying as such as obviously I want you to have a good time etc. We'll just have to see how much it's going to cost and take it from there". She hasn't replied, but I said I'd call her tonight for a catch-up, so I'm sure it'll come up then!
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Re: Friends' Wedding

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Jul 22, 2009 12:27 pm

Well it's good shes seemed to notice prices now. It was probably something she fancied but never thought about the price.
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Re: Friends' Wedding

Postby RagDoll » Wed Jul 22, 2009 2:44 pm

Hmmm maybe! She's one of those people that can never do anything low-key and relatively in-expensively though! Everything has to be OTT with her, which doesn't bother me in the slightest when it's her money she's spending, that's just her style after all, but I can't afford to/don't want to be splashing unnecessary amounts of cash!

Her wedding gown, for example, is costing £2000! (and this is considering her and her fiancee are only on modest wages, they have a huge mortgage to pay and a little boy!)
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