i thought i was being a good friend, was i wrong?

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i thought i was being a good friend, was i wrong?

Postby fffftiger » Wed Jul 29, 2009 9:09 am

i have a friend, lets call her emily, and she has a boyfriend, lets call him grey and they've been together for nearly a year.
i've not known emily long but we've been really close since we have known each other. i tell her everything and she tells me the same.
anyway, grey started texting me as a friend and i of course replied, then the texts he sent me started getting "dodgy". i never responded in the way he hoped and reminded him that he's with emily and she's my friend and i don't like him in that way and even if i did, i have my boyfriend and he has his girlfriend, my friend.
i just left it at that and assumed nothing more would come of it. a week or so later, he text me again, starting out as friendly text so i replied as a friend and then the texts got sexual again. i reminded him (again) that i'm not interested in him, i've got a boyfriend and he's going out with my mate. but he kept texting insisting that he loved me not emily and that if i'd just say the word, he'd break up with emily for me. i still insisted that nothing would ever happen between us because i'm not interested at all. i thought i'd made that very clear in the texts i sent him and i thought he'd got the message because he didn't text me back that day or the day after.
the day after that (a couple of days ago) he text me again, not starting off friendly just straight in with the "i love you, lets have sex" blah blah blah. i (obviously sick of this) told him to get lost as i was sick of it and it's not right him treating my friend like he was. that day i went to emily and told her, she didn't believe me, i showed her the texts he sent me and the ones i sent him (so she could see i wasn't interested in him and that it was him, not me because i didn't want to lose her as a friend). she sat there, quite calm and then said she was going to go talk to him about it. and there was me thinking they're going to break up because that's obviously what's best (i never told her to break up with him though, i did say she needs to sort this out with him though).
i got a text off emily asking me what exactly is going on between me and grey. so i told her nothing and that if there was i wouldn't say anything or show her the texts i sent (clearly showing i didn't do anything to kick his texts off) and to look at his phone, the texts are probably still on there. she just carried on insisting that something was going on and it's all my fault and i'm trying to ruin her relationship and she hates me and wants nothing more to do with me.
i asked a mutual friend what they think i should do and they said i should of just left it and not told emily a thing.
i'm going to uni in september with grey while she's doing another year at college. the problem is, i figured that if i ignored it, it'd only get worse when emily was nowhere to be seen.
was i wrong? should i have just kept it quiet? if my boyfriend was doing that sort of thing, i'd want her to tell me if i found out off someone else then i'd be really upset and angry with her even if she wasn't doing anything (like me).
i don't want to lose her as a friend.
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Re: i thought i was being a good friend, was i wrong?

Postby kerrie24 » Wed Jul 29, 2009 9:30 am

I think as long as that is exactly how things happened,and you did nothing to give him an idea he would get anywhere with you,then you have done the right thing by showing your friend.I would want my friend to come up and show me if she knew anything like that was going on.And since you had kept all of the texts and replies to show her surely she can see it was one sided.
In future though if he texts you again,even as a friend,I would just not reply at all.
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Re: i thought i was being a good friend, was i wrong?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Jul 29, 2009 9:57 am

I agree with Kerrie.

Your friend is probably upset about the texts that have been going on. She is probably blaming you because it's easier for her to direct her anger at you than at Grey, because then it's harder to admit that someone you love and care about has been lying to you.
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Re: i thought i was being a good friend, was i wrong?

Postby spacegirl » Wed Jul 29, 2009 10:42 am

you absolutely did the right thing. you tried to let things die out but when it continued you were right to put an end to it, and let your friend know what she was dealing with. as far as you were concerned you were protecting her. He obviously has a strong hold over her but you did the right thing and if she can't accept your side of the story then leave her to make her own mistakes. she'll find out soon enough.
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Re: i thought i was being a good friend, was i wrong?

Postby RagDoll » Wed Jul 29, 2009 2:01 pm

I can't make up my mind what I think about this one -

On the one hand, had I been your friend, I would have been glad you told me about it as I wouldn't want to be made a fool of by anyone. I can also totally see that you told her with the best of intentions, not to upset her.

On the other hand, I sometimes think it's best not to interfere with these things and let people find out for themselves what people are truely like. I know you were only trying to save your friend potential hurt though.

With regards to her friendship, I don't think there's much you can do but stick to your guns. The cat is out of the bag now and if she chooses to believe him over you, then that's her choice. I'm sure deep down she must know that you're telling the truth and only did it to try and protect her - as someone else said, obviously this guy has got a strong hold over her! I think she'll eventually come around and even if not, at some point in the future she's likely to find out for herself what her boyfriend is really like at which point she'll wish she hadn't been to quick to accuse you
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Re: i thought i was being a good friend, was i wrong?

Postby Deedee1 » Thu Aug 06, 2009 5:48 pm

I think you did the right thing. Perhaps she is wondering why you didn't tell her after the first string of texts though? I think maybe then she would've felt a little more reassured that really nothing went on between you both. I get why you didn't - you probably thought that after rejecting him the first time, that would be enough and he'd realise the errors of his ways and leave you alone. Maybe expain that to her if you get the chance. Even the best of friends can feel jealous of each other too. She's probably thinking "why does he fancy her even though he's with me?" and she now feels that you are a threat. Try and reasure her that you are no threat to her relationships and you wouldn't do anything to jeopardise your friendship. I'm sure she'll come to the right conclusions in the end.

If you receive any further texts from this guy be sure to just ignore him.
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Re: i thought i was being a good friend, was i wrong?

Postby pinkroses » Sat Aug 08, 2009 10:26 am

I agree with what everyone else is saying, I think that you did the right thing to tell her, she is obviously hurt and when she did confront Grey perhaps he blamed it all on you and said you were coming on to him.I think you have to let Emily find out for herself what this Grey is actually like.
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Re: i thought i was being a good friend, was i wrong?

Postby chocolate » Sun Aug 09, 2009 7:57 pm

first,i think you are a good friend =D> i a gree with what you did
and your friend you have to give her time to understand what's happen because it is really diffecult for her to know that.soon or later she will come back to you.
but if i were you i'll not speak with grey ever never..
good luck in the uni :)
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Re: i thought i was being a good friend, was i wrong?

Postby ALNZAL » Tue Aug 11, 2009 6:17 pm

first i feel delighted to write u back ...all u did was right & right in my opinion i think the only way to solve ur problem just keep telling that guya the same way u did first & try to think about ur bf maybe he could give u a hand...

she might do the same u did & may not it acually depends on.....
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Re: i thought i was being a good friend, was i wrong?

Postby fffftiger » Tue Aug 11, 2009 6:29 pm

just to let everyone know, i've told emily that i'm pretty sure i did the right thing, explained that i left it at first because i thought he was just being a idiot and he'd get the picture that i wasn't interested. i've also told her that i'd still like to be friends but if she's blaming me for grey trying it on with me (and a few other of my mates who emily doesn't know about but i've mentioned this to them and they had the same problem with him) then i can't be bothered trying to convince her otherwise. i've not done anything wrong and i know that, if she picks him over me then thats fine but she'll learn the truth eventually
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Re: i thought i was being a good friend, was i wrong?

Postby Peanut1977 » Mon Aug 17, 2009 8:06 pm

You are a very good friend, don't forget that. It's down to her how she deals with it. If I found out a friend knew something like that about my boyfriend and didn't tell me I'd lose the plot and we definitely wouldn't be friends anymore. If the outcome of this is that you lose a friend, then I think she is the one who has lost out, not you. You stuck to your guns and your principles and they are very strong character traits, don't lose them. I would always always tell a friend if I knew that and yes it's a risk as to how they react but that's for them to deal with not you.
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