Hey. Dnt even know who is gonna reply to this. Not really read much about the website. But am just lookin for people to talk to. I have recently accepted my sexual attraction towards women. I remember as a young girl, about 12 years old, i watched a film and the naked women in it really turned me on. I thought nothing of it though. I didnt think about sex until i was about 17 and was shocked that ppl i knew had had sex wen they were that age. Id neva even thought about it. So yeh... women really turn me on. I have alot of issues - OCD etc. mainly OCD. pretty much just that. hand washing a few years bk. i was watching 'children of men' and it scared meat for the first time i didnt find clive owen 'fit'. i presumed it must mean im a lesbian. i spoke to my councillor about it but the thing is... i didnt wnt to be gay. I neva have. With the problems i have had with OCD i wanted some 'normailty' in my life and i saw that as having a bf. Not that i thought being gay was weird - i just neva have imagined i would be. Hence, my being unable to accept it.
Over the past couple of years these feelings have come on stronger. Women turn me on and i have tried to ignore it...wanted to ignore it. I had a 'bf' a couple of years back hu i am still great friends with now. I loved being with him,. loved holding him... but wen we went to the bedroom i was like 'what the hell'. I must have been 15/16. All i wanted to do is go backdown stairs and spend some quality time together, hugging and kissing and cuddling. Wen we ended i missed him so much. At school, all i wanted was to see him and hold him. Even now i see him and there will always be something there. At a club recently i was staring at him aswell as the hot girls.
That was a few year back. I am now 19, nearly 20. I have recently split up with my boyfriend of nearly two years and it has killed me, still is. We met in his mums shop and he was in a suit and i thought 'wow, fittttt'! Again, at this time, nothing majorly sexual had happened in my life. I rarely thought about my sexuality, if at all so i didnt see it as unusual or weird. hard to explain, hope this isnt confusing. After my bf hu i am still friends with, I still fancied guys and thought they were fit and good looking. I dint look at girls and think they were hot, if I saw a naked picture of a woman it wud turn me on but not girls on a daily basis. Then I met this guy two years ago. And we had a connection immediately. I flirted with him, we had regular Friday nites at his place with my sister and his brother… just as friends. I would always sit next to him, I confided in him about my problems… and yeh… then it was just me and him one night as my sister and his brother left. I was terrified. I immediately tensed up and told him I couldn’t do anything. We just kissed all night. Cnt remember if I enjoyed it. Next morning I felt sick and tense… this was my first real sexual experience typa thing and we hadn’t even done anything. I stuck with it as I knew I liked him and wanted to spend time with him. We had sex sumtime after and it didn’t do much for me, if anything at first. I was scared by this. I wanted him to turn me on. I wanted sex a lot and we were at it all the time but I was rarely satisfied and never climaxed, ever. The feeling of turning him on was great and the thought of having sex with him turned me on too but then nothing much happened. Soon after I told him there was a reason I may not be able to be with him… that I was gay. Hard to remember now but he said we would get a girl round and we ended up staying together. We neva got a girl round, he often asked about my feelings for women and I told him ‘not much’ which was the truth, I didn’t think about them much.
We got on gr8, loved each others company, and we had a gr8 relationship. The sex became sensual and hugging him afterwards knowing he was mine was incredible. Lieing in bed with him naked, just hugging I loved. Yes I would want sex and initiate it, but it would neva do much for me.
Anyway, I ended up moving in with him. The past few months were gr8. All of it was. Yes women turned me on. Just looking at a woman in the street didn’t and girls in clubs didn’t do it for me as I knew I was going home to him. My baby. I was besotted, he was amazing. The kindest, loveliest, amazingest person. Honestly… mr perfect. He is older than me (about 6 yrs) but again, we got on like house on fire. Sorry for waffling now.
I had a thought two months ago that men don’t turn me on, and women do therefore I cannot be with this guy. And it plagued and plagued me until I couldn’t carry on with him. We have recently been seeing each other, getting bk together, then I say I cant, then I go see him and get bk together etc. Then a week ago I ended it for gud. And it has killed me since. Which I know it will, a week is nothing.
Life seems jam. I have lost someone who I cared for deeply, who I wanna hold desperately and see more than anything. Everything was there, things were perfect, except in that area. He sed I could have sex with women in the future and it wouldn’t bother him but I couldn’t do it. With my OCD, being with him the past couple of months made it hell as I felt sick and anxious constantly that I wasn’t doing the right thing by being with him as men don’t turn me on. He did, I wanted sex with him and to do things but the actual sex was rather poo. Now, I have accepted that I am 99% bi/gay. 99% bi as I dnt know why I wud feel so jam about losing him if I didn’t love or want to be with him. I have neva kissed a girl, neva thought about being with a girl etc. It seems like a whole new world. Dnt wanna live life without him at the moment. I was happy with him. Very happy. And I have lost that happiness due to these feelings for women. I think sex isn’t everything. I know it is important but what we had was very special. I may neva find that agen. And I know I need to be fulfilled in the sexual area – will prob happen with women – we shall see – but I have lost someone I love. And it sucks. Although women turn me on and he pretty much doesn’t, being with him was everything to me. That’s pretty much my story.
I know I have to fully accept these feelings for women. I am struggling to let this guy go. Really struggling. I want him in my life. Not as a friend. As I know if we were just friends at his house, I would initiate a hug, and a kiss etc.. friendship would neva be enough. He was my first. Wen I have my first woman it will confirm a lot of things for me. Just yeh… atm life is crappy. Sum1 to tlk to would be gr8. Am very sorry for the amazing amount of waffle.