99% sure im a lesbian

[Elphaba]

Hey. Dnt even know who is gonna reply to this. Not really read much about the website. But am just lookin for people to talk to. I have recently accepted my sexual attraction towards women. I remember as a young girl, about 12 years old, i watched a film and the naked women in it really turned me on. I thought nothing of it though. I didnt think about sex until i was about 17 and was shocked that ppl i knew had had sex wen they were that age. Id neva even thought about it. So yeh... women really turn me on. I have alot of issues - OCD etc. mainly OCD. pretty much just that. hand washing a few years bk. i was watching 'children of men' and it scared meat for the first time i didnt find clive owen 'fit'. i presumed it must mean im a lesbian. i spoke to my councillor about it but the thing is... i didnt wnt to be gay. I neva have. With the problems i have had with OCD i wanted some 'normailty' in my life and i saw that as having a bf. Not that i thought being gay was weird - i just neva have imagined i would be. Hence, my being unable to accept it.

Over the past couple of years these feelings have come on stronger. Women turn me on and i have tried to ignore it...wanted to ignore it. I had a 'bf' a couple of years back hu i am still great friends with now. I loved being with him,. loved holding him... but wen we went to the bedroom i was like 'what the hell'. I must have been 15/16. All i wanted to do is go backdown stairs and spend some quality time together, hugging and kissing and cuddling. Wen we ended i missed him so much. At school, all i wanted was to see him and hold him. Even now i see him and there will always be something there. At a club recently i was staring at him aswell as the hot girls.

That was a few year back. I am now 19, nearly 20. I have recently split up with my boyfriend of nearly two years and it has killed me, still is. We met in his mums shop and he was in a suit and i thought 'wow, fittttt'! Again, at this time, nothing majorly sexual had happened in my life. I rarely thought about my sexuality, if at all so i didnt see it as unusual or weird. hard to explain, hope this isnt confusing. After my bf hu i am still friends with, I still fancied guys and thought they were fit and good looking. I dint look at girls and think they were hot, if I saw a naked picture of a woman it wud turn me on but not girls on a daily basis. Then I met this guy two years ago. And we had a connection immediately. I flirted with him, we had regular Friday nites at his place with my sister and his brother… just as friends. I would always sit next to him, I confided in him about my problems… and yeh… then it was just me and him one night as my sister and his brother left. I was terrified. I immediately tensed up and told him I couldn’t do anything. We just kissed all night. Cnt remember if I enjoyed it. Next morning I felt sick and tense… this was my first real sexual experience typa thing and we hadn’t even done anything. I stuck with it as I knew I liked him and wanted to spend time with him. We had sex sumtime after and it didn’t do much for me, if anything at first. I was scared by this. I wanted him to turn me on. I wanted sex a lot and we were at it all the time but I was rarely satisfied and never climaxed, ever. The feeling of turning him on was great and the thought of having sex with him turned me on too but then nothing much happened. Soon after I told him there was a reason I may not be able to be with him… that I was gay. Hard to remember now but he said we would get a girl round and we ended up staying together. We neva got a girl round, he often asked about my feelings for women and I told him ‘not much’ which was the truth, I didn’t think about them much.
We got on gr8, loved each others company, and we had a gr8 relationship. The sex became sensual and hugging him afterwards knowing he was mine was incredible. Lieing in bed with him naked, just hugging I loved. Yes I would want sex and initiate it, but it would neva do much for me.
Anyway, I ended up moving in with him. The past few months were gr8. All of it was. Yes women turned me on. Just looking at a woman in the street didn’t and girls in clubs didn’t do it for me as I knew I was going home to him. My baby. I was besotted, he was amazing. The kindest, loveliest, amazingest person. Honestly… mr perfect. He is older than me (about 6 yrs) but again, we got on like house on fire. Sorry for waffling now.

I had a thought two months ago that men don’t turn me on, and women do therefore I cannot be with this guy. And it plagued and plagued me until I couldn’t carry on with him. We have recently been seeing each other, getting bk together, then I say I cant, then I go see him and get bk together etc. Then a week ago I ended it for gud. And it has killed me since. Which I know it will, a week is nothing.
Life seems jam. I have lost someone who I cared for deeply, who I wanna hold desperately and see more than anything. Everything was there, things were perfect, except in that area. He sed I could have sex with women in the future and it wouldn’t bother him but I couldn’t do it. With my OCD, being with him the past couple of months made it hell as I felt sick and anxious constantly that I wasn’t doing the right thing by being with him as men don’t turn me on. He did, I wanted sex with him and to do things but the actual sex was rather poo. Now, I have accepted that I am 99% bi/gay. 99% bi as I dnt know why I wud feel so jam about losing him if I didn’t love or want to be with him. I have neva kissed a girl, neva thought about being with a girl etc. It seems like a whole new world. Dnt wanna live life without him at the moment. I was happy with him. Very happy. And I have lost that happiness due to these feelings for women. I think sex isn’t everything. I know it is important but what we had was very special. I may neva find that agen. And I know I need to be fulfilled in the sexual area – will prob happen with women – we shall see – but I have lost someone I love. And it sucks. Although women turn me on and he pretty much doesn’t, being with him was everything to me. That’s pretty much my story.
I know I have to fully accept these feelings for women. I am struggling to let this guy go. Really struggling. I want him in my life. Not as a friend. As I know if we were just friends at his house, I would initiate a hug, and a kiss etc.. friendship would neva be enough. He was my first. Wen I have my first woman it will confirm a lot of things for me. Just yeh… atm life is crappy. Sum1 to tlk to would be gr8. Am very sorry for the amazing amount of waffle.

[Bel Bel]

Well firstly there is nothing abnormal about being gay. You may be having difficulty accepting that you are gay but that doesn’t make abnormal.

Normal is whatever is right for you boys, girls or both.

I don’t think you may even be a lesbian or bi. You can admire and find women attractive but it doesn’t mean you would click with them sexually anymore than the men you have been with

You say sex does nothing for you,. Well nor does it for loads of girls but that’s because they aren’t telling their guy what they want or they don’t even know themselves

Have you ever masturbated to achieve orgasm. Maybe your guy isn’t doing what he needs to do to get you there but if you haven’t even had an orgasm yourself it will be difficult to tell the guy what you like/ don’t like

Would you consider going to a sex counsellor with this guy. Perhaps you will find you do like sex with him

[Fragmented]

I'm inclined to agree with Bel Bel on this.

There's a number of issues that you need to sort through and after all of it you may not necessarily even be gay. You say you're very happy with him and that everything is amazing but you're ending it because you think you're gay. In actual fact from what you say there's no clear evidence of you being attracted to women. I'm a gay female and I can see men and find them good looking or even be turned on by straight porn, that doesn't then make me straight. Not that there's anything wrong with being either.

Personally I think you might be bi-curious at best (...not that I advocate labels, I don't like them at all) but I think the real issue is more psychological perhaps in that you have everything you say you want but you end up pushing it all away. If all that is missing in your current relationship is amazing sex then like Bel Bel said you can work on that by telling him what would turn you on and having a more open discussion about sex. On the flip side, you might be attracted to women but in denial because you find you don't want to be gay or bi. In the future this could change if you met a girl you felt strongly about and wanted to be with. I think in the meantime though you should concentrate on sorting through how you feel about this guy. Do you feel strong enough to want to be with him and push doubts about your sexuality to one side? At the end of the day whether you're in a gay or straight relationship the basic premise is the same - you want to be with ONLY that person.

Maybe take some time out to work through your feelings before you take the next step, because by making up and breaking up with him every other day you're not being fair on him or yourself.

Hope it all works out for you.

[Ithfifi]

I'm not sure I can put anything useful into this.. But I'll try, I cant do any better then the advice these two lovely gals have given you though!
I can say I've had simular experiences. From being about 12, and accidently watching channel 5 when I shouldn't and being turned on by woman, by being attracted to woman, and being in a relationship with a male where the sex has done nothing for me, or the thought of it with him has done nothing. I wonder perhaps aswell if you have got yourself into the habit of worrying and thinking about there not being that spark, or not being able to be aroused by a man when it gets into it, and thats hindering you becoming turned on, and worry can do alot, it can make you feel awfully sick. Is it possible your OCD is clashing with being sexual (cleanliness or some other form?), or making you feel like its a problem? Sometimes sex is something you come to enjoy more throughout the course of the relationship, when you learn what you both enjoy... But like I said, worry can be play a big part on the body. Are you still seeing a counsellor now? I think BelBel's suggestion of seeing a sex therapist/counsellor would be a good idea. I hope things work out for you and you can find happiness <3

[retrochav]

I totally agree with the other posts here. There shouldnt be a need to label yourself as one thing or another, unless you want to.

I'm a gay guy, but i can find women sexually attractive. I happen to prefer blokes and look for relationships with other guys, rather than women, who i prefer as mates or maybe occassional encounter now and again.

Explore your sexuality as you see fit, its your body and your choices. If your guy is happy with you, and you are usually happy with the affection, then maybe work on the sex side. Many guys are happy to watch porn with lesbian scenes and this is a good way to explore your feelings. If you want to meet other girls to explore your sexuality, I would suggest a lesbian social group first - bars could make you feel exposed and reppressed. Social groups are better as you can really talk to other women who feel the same way in a safe and non threatening space. The Lesbian and Gay switchboard can help.

Most of all, remeber that self loathing and hatred have no place in this one stab of life that we get.

[Elphaba]

Bel Bel – Thanx for your reply. I know being gay isn’t abnormal, it has just never felt like the norm for me as i have never saw myself as gay. I do think i am definitely bi thou as women turn me on greatly and men don’t. I have neva masturbated really, let alone to achieve orgasm. I think that is my next task. Me and My guy have agreed that we may have no future but we enjoy being with each other and are going to keep seeing each other, we have gone on a website and are looking to find women for me to experiment with. And we will still be having sex – i have always initiated sex with him as i do get turned on, it then just kinda dies wen we start. so hopefully if i start masturbating and find out what i like, he might even pleasure me! But yeah, I still get to see someone i care about which is great and have some fun to. Could work out well. I dnt think i need sex councilling, i think experimenting with women will help me alot and even masturbating. I am not a very sexual person so maybe i just need to just bring this side out of me. Very much appreciate your reply.

Fragmented – thankyou aswell for your reply. Again, the reason i think i am at least bi is because naked women have always really turned me on and men pretty much don’t. As i have said to Bel Bel, i am currently happy as i am still seeing my guy, Just without the seriousness. And we are both happy. Which is great. Or hopefully. It is actually only today that we have sorted this so am happy at the moment but who knows in a few days. Tis strange – just the other day we agreed on the sme thing – meet sum women and experiment and just see each other but not really in a relationship way. I met him, couldn’t help but kiss him straight away and couldn’t wait to give him a blow job! And this was all because there was no pressure or seriousness (or no anxiety from my problems) (sorry for crudeness!) My OCD makes me worry that i dnt want to kiss him etc. My problems make life hell alot of the time. Anyways, hopefully experimenting with women will help me see if i am sexually attracted towards women and will give me some more insight into what i want in a partner. Thanx again!

Ignacia – Thank you. Pretty much what i have said above. I do think my OCD is affecting things. Just have to see how things go. Want to start living my life. Being happy with who i am. It is hard as i dnt know what i want at the minute – relationship wise and what is going to happen – but who does?

Retrochav – thankyou aswell! I know what you mean about the labelling thing. With my problems, i try to see the world as black and white – everything has to be perfect. I need to try and get over this. As i said above, me and my guy are still gonna see each other which is great and have fun. And he is gonna help me open myself up to women which is gr8 as i don’t think i would ever be able to on my own as i would freeze.

[snail]

I know you've set your heart on it, but I very, very, VERY strongly advise that you do NOT meet with women from a website for sex in this way. Meeting strangers off the internet for sex is something that you need to be very emotionally and sexually mature to handle without damage, let alone meeting for gay sex, let alone meeting for a threesome involving your own boyfriend with them, let alone in someone like yourself who is young, has mental health issues, and is very sexually confused. I seriously can't think of a way in which this could be worse for you. You will almost certainly end up feeling very abused and betrayed, both by the people you meet, and by your boyfriend, who is probably expecting to sleep with these women himself as well. It will probably make you even more confused, and it will certainly cause you significant emotional damage.

I know it's not as quick and doesn't sound as much fun, but what you need is what Bel said - counselling. At 19 you have masses of time ahead of you, and so plenty of time to work this out properly, with the help of a professional. As Fragmented said, I suspect this is not so much about your sexuality as about your emotional problems in general.

If you are dead set on meeting women, do it without your boyfriend and in a conventional way (gay bars, or dating websites as opposed to sex websites, or social groups as Retrochav said) where the person concerned is less likely to be looking to use you.

[Elphaba]

snail - thankyou for your advice. I understand what you are saying. Do you mean councilling in general or councilling specifically for my sexual issues? I have had councilling twice before for my mental health problems and it is very tedious. Yes, it has helped me cum on leaps and bounds but i can neva seem to apply the things i learn to new problems that arise. Do feel a bit stuck in a rut at the minute. I need to try and work through my problems without seeking help AGAIN! Its not even that i want to meet women, wen women turn me on im still attempting to block it out. I dnt know if i will ever be able to accept those feelings just because they feel so alien to me. arghhhhhhhh. jeeeez. Struggling to know what to do except just keep plodding on.

[snail]

I mean counselling in general. I don't think you can separate your feelings about your sexuality from your personality and mental outlook - it's all part of you as a person.

I understand what you mean about counselling, as I've been there myself, but going back to counselling and seeking more help is not bad in any way, in fact it's very healthy. You may choose to work on different things at different times, and sometimes you will want to just get on with your life, while at others you will want to go back into counselling and start working on another thing that's troubling you. At some point you will feel strong enough that you don't need this anymore - it's impossible to say when that will be, as it depends on how badly you have been hurt and what issues you're working through, but I wouldn't have thought it would be at 19. And yes, it can sometimes take quite a long time for counselling to change things, but that's because the issues it deals with are so deep and will go back throughout your life, so it naturally takes time for them to improve - you can't change something that goes back 19 years in just a few weeks.

I was lucky enough to find a therapist who was right for me straightaway, but if the one you have is not right for you, you may need to look for another.

But whatever you do, keep asking yourself if you're looking after yourself and doing what's really right for you. And asking for any kind of help is perfectly fine - it's the nature of being human that we all depend on each other and need each other's help.

[Elphaba]

Hey. Im back again. Still not in a great way. but am alot better. Am still seeing my guy, more as friends i think than anything although we are still doing things. Ultimately, i dont want to let go of this guy. The thought of women and doing things with women really turns me on although i have never done anything with a woman. So thats just sex. And although men dont really make me feel this way, the connection i have with this guy is awesome. And i do find myself luking at guys thinking 'your beautiful' but not getting turned on whereas with women its all about them turning me on downstairs - lol. I really could spend every day of the rest of my life with this guy. Yes, i probably could never have sex with him again and it wouldnt bother me, although i dunno. But the companionship and bond we have is so special. We both have accepted that im probably gay and that what we have cannot last. But for now we are enjoying what time we have together as we both know we care about each other greatly. I know alot of people would think this is weird, i do myself. Its just, the feelings i have for this guy are so strong. He knows this. He has even sed to me 'if i ever find someone else it will break your heart vic' and i thought 'jeeez your right'. so how can that just be friendship. And yet sexually, women turn me on so so so much more than men. Is sex really that important for a relationship? My guy says i can have sex with as many women as a i like as he does not want me for just sex, he wants the companionship with me as i do with him. This is hard though cos although the thought of doing things with women turns me on, the actual act of it would make me freeze and i would be like 'arghhhhh'. Maybe this would change with 'practice' and once i had actually had sex with a woman. And what is it that me and this guy have? I know that is a pretty unaswerable question. I wouldnt be surprised if i got sum replies saying i have to let go of him... but i think that would kill me. But i have to think of him too. He is the one person i wanna spend time with above anyone else though. Sometimes i just wish i knew what i wanted or was more keyed up on sex and relationships as i have little experience. Ultimately, does sex make a relationship? Something inside me tells me it does, ive read many things saying that once that goes, thats it. And with my OCD and mental health problems, im just like 'you cant be with this guy'. Very embarassed about saying this but sumtimes my ocd and that even makes me think is he mur like a brother or dad etc. Is my love for him in that type of connection? am writing this smiling and laughing so am much happier anyways. Both me and Dean know you onli get one life so we dont want to waste it.

[Bel Bel]

I would just relax enjoy your time with this guy for now and hope a natural answer comes up. There is no rush to make a decision, you haven't lied to him and you are both happy for now.
Sometimes things just have a way of working out that you couldn't possibly imagine
It sound like you will always be best friends and that is probably the way it's headed

[Elphaba]

Thanx Bel Bel. Your absolutely right. Am just gonna relax and enjoy being with him and hope things can figure themselves out. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Youve made me feel so much at ease. I am so much happeier now than i was. Although i know i can fall just as easily again. But anyway, thank you!