Don't want to be gay

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Don't want to be gay

Postby Scott Summers » Tue May 04, 2010 10:28 pm

This is more for myself than anything, so if no-one replies m'eh

*Deep Breath*

I WISH I WASN'T GAY. I WANT A NORMAL LIFE WITH ALL THE TRIMMINGS. I WANT TO MEET A GIRL FALL IN LOVE HAVE KIDS AND GROW OLD WITH MY WIFE AND KIDS. I DON'T WANT TO BE GAY!!!!

edited by all_apologies: hey Scott, I've changed your title, moved to a more appropriate forum and removed the swearing from your post. Cheers 8)
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Re: This is probably in the wrong place but

Postby Scott Summers » Tue May 04, 2010 10:32 pm

sorry for swearing
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Re: This is probably in the wrong place but

Postby rufio89 » Tue May 04, 2010 10:33 pm

Hey Scott.

Dont be silly! You can be gay and have a 'normal' life, what is 'normal' nowadays anyway?

You can meet a nice guy, fall in love, settle down and have kids!!

There's lots of nice guys out there (seems like most of the nice guys I know are gay!)

Please please please dont hate yourself for your sexuality!
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Re: This is probably in the wrong place but

Postby peecee » Tue May 04, 2010 10:55 pm

What's brought this on, sweet pea?
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Re: This is probably in the wrong place but

Postby Scott Summers » Tue May 04, 2010 11:04 pm

Just some recent stuff, things getting on top of me.

But it does stand. I know that I can have all that with another man but I don't want to have that.

I want to be able to have kids that I know are a combination of mine and my partners DNA.
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Re: This is probably in the wrong place but

Postby rufio89 » Tue May 04, 2010 11:18 pm

I understand that, but remember theres no guarantee that even if you were in a "traditional" heterosexual relationship with a woman, that youd be able to have kids anyway!
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Re: This is probably in the wrong place but

Postby Scott Summers » Tue May 04, 2010 11:49 pm

True but I'd like that chance,

Alright, let me put this into perspective for ya.

I'm the youngest of 4, I'm 31 going on 32, single, not a virgin but might as well be, and all round not happy with ANYTHING in my life.
I am in a rather traditional family and all my other siblings have either got their own families or are close to doing so, so Mother dearest has decided to ask around if her friends has any "recommendations" for me. I've got a "Girlfriend" or sorts now and it's a challenge to see her as anything but a mate, I mean she's nice and all but I don't feel anything for her apart from friendship (I actually think she's starting to suspect.) Needless to say I'm not out, and I don't want to seriously. I want the whole nuclear family thing.
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Re: This is probably in the wrong place but

Postby rufio89 » Wed May 05, 2010 11:01 am

I DO sympathise with you, but you MUST break up with this girl!

You cant hide your sexuality forever, you'll have to come out eventually.

Go on the girlfriends & boyfriends section and look at the 'He's Gay' thread. Look at what that poor girl is going through and ask yourself if you can do that to someone!
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Re: This is probably in the wrong place but

Postby snail » Wed May 05, 2010 11:35 am

Being in your early 30s and not out, and trying to live a lie with your family and keep a fake relationship going must be putting you under tremendous pressure. I'd be amazed if you weren't miserable, frustrated, furious and depressed. If you came to terms with your sexuality, you might find you really didn't want the nuclear family after all, it simply seems easier. And even if you do, I know plenty of straight people who haven't managed to get that either, and also plenty of straight people who have and who are very unhappy. There's no guaranteed route to happiness, no external thing that you can get that will make everything right.

I don't know much about this, but perhaps the Lesbian and Gay switchboard could put you in touch with organisations that help people come to terms with their sexuality and tell their families. I'm sure your family will cope - I have seen very conventional or religious families deal with this just fine when they were told.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: This is probably in the wrong place but

Postby whoopsie » Wed May 05, 2010 12:40 pm

rufio89 wrote:Go on the girlfriends & boyfriends section and look at the 'He's Gay' thread. Look at what that poor girl is going through and ask yourself if you can do that to someone!


You took the words right out of my mouth. I was going to write the same thing.
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Re: This is probably in the wrong place but

Postby Scott Summers » Wed May 05, 2010 1:02 pm

I should actually add here that My siblings know, as they caught me on "Alternative coupling" websites when I was trying to figure out if this was a passing phase, and yes they're cool with it. Well I think they are anyways, but it's My Ma I'm worried about. She asked me if I was gay a few months back and I tested the waters by asking what if I was? And she actually had tears in her eyes, saying she'd be VERY sad and dissapointed. Hence fake relationship. I know it's not fair on this girl, but I do feel kinda backed into a corner here.

As for me accepting what I am, I guess I just don't want to believe the fact that I'm not going to have my own biological kids.
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Re: This is probably in the wrong place but

Postby snail » Wed May 05, 2010 3:43 pm

It's not a certainty that you won't have your own biological kids - you may decide to raise a child with a female friend, although I admit it's unlikely. But for what it's worth, I'm straight and it looks like I won't get this opportunity either, and I know plenty of other people in the same position, so this isn't just about being gay. But I agree, it IS tough, and this respect your path in life is going to be more difficult than other people's. That's your destiny - we all have different struggles and sadnesses to deal with, and this is yours.

Your mother shouldn't have said what she did, but regardless of this, any feelings of sadness or disappointment are HER problem, NOT yours. You don't have to sabotage your life, harm yourself and be untrue to yourself to protect your mother. She's the parent, not you. How she deals with this is her struggle. You both might find she deals with it better than you expect, but either way you are not responsible for your mother's happiness, only she is.

And it is true that what you're doing to your girlfriend is abusive. You've got your responsibilities mixed up - you're abusing one other person and yourself in order to protect a third person who probably doesn't need it and certainly isn't entitled to it. I know changing this will take a huge amount of courage but in the long run things will only get worse for everyone. Do you want to live your life this way? Perhaps one of your siblings can talk to your mum and break it to her if you can't.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: This is probably in the wrong place but

Postby Bel Bel » Wed May 05, 2010 4:28 pm

I completely agree with Snail
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

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Re: This is probably in the wrong place but

Postby Scott Summers » Wed May 05, 2010 4:44 pm

I know that my Ma shouldn't have said that, but I can see where's she's coming from.

To the best of my knowledge I'm the first gay in my family, can you imagine how that makes my Ma feel? I also know that my life is my own, but I'm a worrywort.

If I did come out to my Ma and she took it badly, I can take care of myself but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if she took it THAT badly if you know what I'm getting at.

We've also got this whole family thing going on where we (as in Me, my Ma and my brothers and sister) feel as if the other branches of our family are ganging up on us and looking down their noses at us, this would just add fuel to the fire. And my Ma is someone who "face" is VERY important to.

I know I'm beating myself up un-necessarily, but I can honestly say that I don't know of any other way to live.
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Re: Don't want to be gay

Postby all_apologies » Thu May 06, 2010 2:33 pm

Hi Scott,

I 100% relate to how you feel regarding your sexuality and the impact it has upon your life. You're a bit older than I am, but I'm getting to a point where I worry that I can't coast along as a secretive singleton for many more years before my family start to question why I don't bring people home/why I'm not thinking about marriage, kids and all the rest of it. If I was straight, I don't think I'd even want children, but it'd be nice to know that I could introduce a partner to my family without a fuss.

However, everyone has their problems. If you were straight and married with kids you'd be complaining about having lost your independence. Or maybe your partner would be having trouble getting pregnant and you wouldn't have kids at all. Perhaps someday you'd marry a girl then fall in love with another one ten years later and have to go through the trauma of a divorce. There are hundreds of ways your 'perfect' straight life could become messed up, so it's not necessarily the answer to your woes.

Though there are lots of things about being gay that are difficult, I don't think being straight would solve things for you. I do envy some of my friends who are settling down into their nice houses with their husbands and children, but then again I love loving women and sort-of enjoy being a bit more elusive about my life. I can put more focus onto myself financially, and do what I want to when I want to. Everything has its good and bad points. I disagree with those who say you have to come out at some point. I do think it helps to have people around you that know, and that this also opens you up to more opportunities of finding a prospective partner. Firstly because you may be introduced to gay people through mutual friends, and secondly because if you do meet someone you don't have to hide it from your friends. Yet you don't have to tell the people who you think might take it hard. A lot of my friends know I'm gay (or, at least, know that I like girls), but my family certainly don't, and that's not an issue for me. Being out to people can be liberating, but it's up to you to choose who you want to share it with.
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