Don't want to be gay

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Re: Don't want to be gay

Postby retrochav » Thu May 06, 2010 3:37 pm

Hi Scott,

I'm a gay guy too. Far from not having a normal life, I raised my cousins with my partner for two years, and stayed with him for a further ten. So it is possible to do the "traditional thing". That said it isnt always the reciepe for success we'd wish it was. Wife and kids, or civil parnter and kids can bring new pressures and worries to the fore, as we try to intergrate everyone to situations. I'm 34 and havent ruled out the possibility of either having kids with a doner, adopting, fostering, or who knows what else.

What i do know is that not being true to yourself and your partner will hurt you both profoundly. You could be single and find an understanding straight woman who will stand in for you (and you can do the same for her at events). Me and my best friend find this suits us to the ground, as although i am out, there are times when it isnt possible, and she takes me to weddings and i pose as her partner.

Being gay can be whatever you want it to be, just like being straight. From traditional role partnerships to something more alternative, you get one crack at life as far as i can see, so why live to please family members you dont live with. You mum need not know about you being gay, you might one day choose to talk about it, you may let her live in the belief your straight.

What i know of most parrents is they want their children to be happy, even if they dont want to know the details
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Re: Don't want to be gay

Postby Scott Summers » Thu May 06, 2010 11:04 pm

All_apologies, I know this is gonna sound weird but I hate the fact that I'm attracted to men. I want to be able to walk into someplace and find myself wanting to get into a girls pants (sorry for being vulgar.)

The other day I was out with my mate and it was warm out so people were wearing skimpy tops/vests. My mate pointed at least 10 girls out and I couldn't see them, they were just people (if you know what i mean) I had to pretend (You know the whole 'Phwoar!' at thin air thing.) I actually let a few tears go in the car on the way home cos of that.

I don't like being secretive though, in fact i can say that that's the thing that's causing me the most stress, having to lie to my Ma, ok so i did it when I was a kid but that was for silly things and this is so much bigger.
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Re: Don't want to be gay

Postby Scott Summers » Thu May 06, 2010 11:16 pm

Retrochav,

I can see what you're getting at, but in my family we're all very close knit, we only live literally 3 or 4 minutes walk from each other, so we might as well be living together still if you know what I mean.

I can tell you where the whole wanting my own biological kids is coming from. When my sister gave birth to my nephew, they filmed it and one of the nurses filmed my brother in law holding his son for the first time and then cuddling and kissing both my sister and my nephew and it just looked too perfect. And i was sitting there thinking I want that, I want to be able to hold my own kid when s/he's born, look at my wife and think 'that's my family'. I know this sounds like something out of a film or the 50's but that's what I want.
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Re: Don't want to be gay

Postby rufio89 » Fri May 07, 2010 10:07 am

Sorry to sound blunt Scott, but you're not going to have that ending.

You're not going to meet a nice girl and settle down, because you're a gay man. There's no "cure" for being gay which is what you seem to be after, and there is nothing you can do except try and accept yourself for who you are. Try going on a gay networking site or something, see if you can get chatting with some gay men - not necessarily with romance in mind, but just to get more of an idea of the reality of your situation. You can still have your fairytale ending, it's just a different fairytale!

Some of the happiest and most secure couples I know are gay and your family will come around!
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Re: Don't want to be gay

Postby Bel Bel » Fri May 07, 2010 12:49 pm

Hiding who you are is already causing you to be stressed. I think ringing the gay/lesbian line would help. You need to get it off your chest and speak with people who understand.
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Re: Don't want to be gay

Postby mysterychild » Mon May 10, 2010 8:08 am

The way I see it, you can't have your cake and eat it too. I'm not trying to be be mean, simply suggesting that we don't get everything we want in life. Continually wishing you were attracted to women when you aren't, seems completely senseless. Wouldn't you be much happier if you began the process of accepting what you are?

I think that it all comes down to making a choice - you either choose to not fully acknowledge that you're gay, keep your mother happy and keep wishing for a 'normal' life - what is normal anyway? - or, you openly accept that you are gay, that you prefer men, that you might lead a somewhat unconventional life in the eyes of others and that your mother's wishes are not your benchmark for happiness.

You may never be part of a conventional 'nuclear' family - mum, dad and the kids, but this doesn't mean that you can't have children, should you so desire.

At some stage, you've gotta think about you - and not worry about keeping other people happy - simply because it's making you increasingly unhappy. Please get some counselling and start accepting yourself and making plans for your life - living in this limbo must be very distressing for you and for those that care about you.
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Re: Don't want to be gay

Postby Scott Summers » Mon May 10, 2010 11:26 am

You're all right on the whole mother front. I had a chat with my sister the other day (who seems to have forgotten, or is blocking it out), and we both agree that I've stuck by the family long enough.

It's time for me to go out there and spread my wings.

But I am gonna hold off telling my Ma that I'm.... unconventional for a while. I just hope everything goes well for this job I've just rung up for, then the next step is moving out (yeah sad innit, 31 and still living at home, but my eldest bro is nearly 40 and is still here). Then I can start to think about acceptance and maybe even coming out.

I still want the whole Mum, Dad and Kids thing though, in fact I made it worse for myself the other day. I went round to my cousins house to drop off some stuff and they were all cuddled up on the sofa watching a Disney movie. Honestly speaking, it was like a studio family portrait. and the jealousy and envy that I felt at that time was unreal. Still my outer persona kicked in and I was Mr Happy again. I also want to lose some of my outer shell and hopefully getting out from under My family's feet will help me with that.

I've also said in an earlier post that I'm concerned that my friends'll want nothing to do with me, to be honest I think half of them suspect something already but won't come and say it outright to me. I just hope I don't lose the ones that I've known for 10+ years. I know I know, if they won't accept me for who I really am, then they weren't worth bothering with in the first place. But I do value these friends dearly. So that's another thing.
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Re: Don't want to be gay

Postby snail » Mon May 10, 2010 11:56 am

I think moving out is a great idea. To be honest, based on a couple of things you've said, your mother does sound a bit controlling towards her family and this is clearly making things harder for you. So look forward to that as your next goal, and take it from there.

I'm sure real friends will be able to accept you for who you are and I don't think being gay itself will be any problem, but they may feel a little betrayed that you misled them, so make sure you emphasise how hard it's been for you and that you did what you had to do.

It's interesting that you keep focusing on this 'happy family' thing when you must know as well as any of us that families are by no means always happy and that you can still have a family of your own if gay anyway. I think there's something more to this - do you think you're focusing on this as a justification for not coming out perhaps? Saying to yourself that you don't want to give up on the straight life entirely because it means giving all that up, when in fact it's more that you are frightened to take that step? I think it would be worth spending some time working out exactly what's going on for you here.
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Re: Don't want to be gay

Postby Scott Summers » Mon May 10, 2010 1:10 pm

Snail,

Like the title says I don't wanna be gay, I really don't. I hate the fact that I'm not normal in the traditional sense. Granted there'd be no guarantees that I'd be happier that way but it'd be a heckuva lot easier not to have this 'thing' that you have to get out of the way when you meet people, it's like a party trick but a lot less fun, if you get my meaning.
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Re: Don't want to be gay

Postby snail » Mon May 10, 2010 1:59 pm

Sorry, Scott, I didn't mean to suggest that being gay is not an additional obstacle in your life, because it must be. It's just the way you were putting so much emphasis on the nuclear family idea - I feel like there's something more to it than just that. It's worth pondering anyway.
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Re: Don't want to be gay

Postby Scott Summers » Mon May 10, 2010 2:12 pm

I think it must be because I'm afraid of being different and people looking at me weirdly.

Hell I went for a free trial at this gym and after i talked to one of the staff, I sat down had a cup of tea, looked around and I swear I could feel all eyes on me, like I didn't beling there. So I quickly made my excuses and bundled myself out of there.

I think, deep down, I just want to fit in with everyone else and being gay coupled with my crashing levels of self confidence makes it that little bit harder to do so.
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Re: Don't want to be gay

Postby all_apologies » Mon May 10, 2010 8:42 pm

I think you will stop caring so much about a traditional lifestyle/what other people think if you meet and fall in love with someone. You'll only do this if you accept yourself for who you are, though. This is from personal experience; I struggled with different aspects of my sexuality for a long, long time and became far more open and comfortable after having an unusual relationship/friendship with a girl I fell for. Although it didn't work out quite how I'd hoped, the fact remains that it changed my life for the better. Once your world revolves around someone you're into rather than your fear of other people's perceptions, you'll probably feel differently.
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Re: Don't want to be gay

Postby Scott Summers » Tue May 11, 2010 10:27 pm

I know I'll probably feel differently about being gay if I actually meet someone, but that involves me being able to get my head around it even slightly.

That's what I'm trying to concentrate on now.

When I get myself sorted, that's when I think I'll tell my Ma, I owe her that much. There's something I could tell you all about my Father but I don't wanna complicate matters, it's nothing bad, just that things would be a lot easier if other things were different. I just hope that she takes it the right way.

Then and only then will I truly let myself go.

But it won't stop me from having my 'moments' we'll call them, of wanting a 'normal' life. That's just me.

I don't think I'll ever be truly happy, no matter where in life I am (depressing I know.)
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Re: Don't want to be gay

Postby Bel Bel » Wed May 12, 2010 12:14 pm

Well that's truly sad that you have already decided that you will never be happy.

Try not to be so negative and open yourself up to the possibility that although life isn't always perfect it doesn't mean you can't find happiness. Happiness also comes in many ways and you can be happy with some aspects of your life but not others.

Striving for perfection will usually prove disappointing as it isn't realistic
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Re: Don't want to be gay

Postby Scott Summers » Thu May 13, 2010 11:03 am

Bel Bel,

I know that happiness comes in many ways, but this is kind of a big thing to be unhappy about. If I can't accept myself then who the heck is gonna?
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