Don't know what to do anymore

[Lust]

Hi all, gosh haven't been on here in a while!

Anyways, alot has gone on since i was last around here, after alot of confusion, tears etc i've realised that im bi, and since realising this i've been happier.

I randomly started talking to people on twitter as you do and got quite close to this girl about a year ago and we kept talking then eventually exchanged numbers/msn etc. For about 9 months we got to know each other and obviously made sure we were actually who we said we were (phone calls, skype, facebook, pictures etc) and back in april we decided it was finally time to meet up as we really liked each other but had never met yet. We both felt it was the right time and both felt safe about it. The only problem was the distance between us, she's scottish and im in england, about 7 hours apart. She travelled down here and stayed for the weekend and it was awesome everything seemed to be going great and we've now been together for over a month.

Problem. The week after we met, my parents suspected something and sneakily checked through my room and found directions to the hotel she stayed in, cinema tickets and text messages. They basically flipped out at me and after having a looooooooong shout at me for what i'd done (they werent happy about her age, she's just turned 22 and im nearly 18), fobade me from any contact with her. I couldn't do this and have stayed in contact secretly, under a different name on my phone which i never leave anywhere anymore. It's breaking me down that i have to keep this secret. My friends know and are perfectly fine with it, my auntie knows and is supporting me but she lives 4 hours away from me so she isnt easy to get to for an escape.

I really dont like having to keep this but after the threats my parents gave my gf, i dont have much choice. What do i do? i'm losing my mind over this

[captainf]

Thats a difficult situation.
I dont really see the age problem, I mean, you are almost 18 and shes 22. Thats not much difference.
Do you think that you would be able to talk to your parents about this? Like, sit them down, talk about it to them maturely and get them to see you are grown up enough and have been sensible?

[Lust]

The night everything came out i explained that i knew what i was doing and im not stupid enough to go meet random strangers and that i was so careful (my friend was around town that day so was close by in case anything went wrong-which it didnt, she was exactly who she said she was)

So i dont know what the problem is, whether it's because she's a girl or whatever.

[captainf]

Perhaps it might be worth asking them exactly what the problem is?
If it is because shes female then maybe you can discuss it with them, but until you know for sure its gonna be abit difficult.
I can only suggest asking them outright exactly what the problem is and then take it from there. Be understanding (dont fall into the trap of arguing) but make it clear that you are mature enough for the situation and that this girl makes you happy.

[mysterychild]

Part of the problem, as I see it, is that you're not 18 yet, you still live under their roof, and I assume they feel that have a duty of care. It is reasonable for parents to feel like this.

However, I don't think it's reasonable for them to yell at you (and not hear your side of the story) and for them to forbid you to have contact with her. You are at an age when you should be able to choose your own friends and decide what your sexuality is.

Hard as it is, I suspect that you're going to have to talk to them! Perhaps wait until you feel more settled and less anxious and then try and talk to them - without arguing or getting upset. Make an attempt to be adult about it - even if they can't. Unless you are doing something which puts your physical or emotional well-being at risk, I don't think it's reasonable for them to forbid you to see her.

However, life might be difficult until they accept that fact!

[Bel Bel]

As captainf says what exactly is their problem?
If they haven't actually met your g/f leave it a few months and then introduce her as a new friend/girlfriend
If they have concerns over your safety I understand but stopping you seeing her when you have known her so long does seem a bit harsh

[Lust]

Surely if there was anything dodgy about her she'd have given up by now or have come back down here without me knowing and tracked me down but she hasnt. Im seeing her next weekend, we planned it carefully and she's coming here for just a couple of hours as we dont dare risk anymore. Unfortunately this means half lying again, im going to be with my best friend as i have told them, but she's leaving me for a couple of hours to be with my gf then later on im meeting back up with her and im staying at hers for the night. Is this a bad idea? I just want to see her

[captainf]

I dont see the problem with it, shes your girlfriend and you want to see her.
However, can you clarify what the problem is with your parents - what is it they dont like?

[Bel Bel]

Lying is never a good thing but they have put you in a position where you feel you have no choice. In reality though you aren't lying just omitting to tell the whole truth.

[Lust]

The problem with my parents is they think it's weird how a girl from Scotland would want to be with a girl from where i am in the midlands. They find her age too old for me and they dont believe im bi. They keep telling me im straight and that this girl has just groomed me.

[captainf]

Interesting. I think that with regards to you and this girl, and you being bi, these are two situations your parents will just have to accept in time. So at the moment they are not happy about it, but as time goes by they will have to accept you for who you are. Is it a real problem that you like girls aswell as boys? I mean theres no harm in that. I think that the age difference isnt really much and you become an adult soon anyway.
Additionally I just feel its worth talking it through, even if its one parent at a time, and explain you wasnt groomed and that they should respect you for you.

[Lust]

They dont seem to think bi exists as im either gay or straight. And they think im following everyone else by suddenly deciding im bi..i tried to explain this isnt sudden and that it's been eating me up for years but because i was young i didnt act on it, but they just think she's brainwashed me into being "gay" and that im not really at all. The worst thing is my cousin is gay and has been with her girlfriend for around 10 years and they accepted that from the start! Just because im their child they dont accept me for it.

Am i right in staying with my girlfriend?

[captainf]

Yes stay with your girlfriend. You cant dictate who you do and dont fall in love with.
I think that it sounds like your family are abit shocked. This maybe one of them things that requires time for them to get used to the idea. Also, with time they will also see its not a phase. They will soon learn to accept you as you are.
Have you spoken to your cousin? It sounds like your aunt is supportive and it sounds like your cousin could be too! Utilise their support because it will be beneficial to you.

[Bel Bel]

I agrre with captainf's take on this.
You parents were happy to accept someone elses kid was gay but because you are their child it' harder for them to accept and they are probably just hoping it's a phase
Perhaps you could get some leaflets from gay/lesbian/bi groups and leave them around for them to read.
I also agree time is the key, eventually they will realise it's not a phase and they need to acccept your choices

[retrochav]

It seems a clear case to me that your parents are finding it hard to accept that your sexuality isnt as cut and dry as theirs is. Feeling uncomfortable with their reaction they are hidding behind fears about stalking and other fears that clearly are out of proportion.

The age gap is so minimal its a joke. Rarely do we find a partner of exactly the same age, and a few years either way is not uncommon in any relationship.

Whilst i agree that you should have the right to see your partner, it would be a good idea to let a supportive friend or relative know where you are going to be. This isnt the risk that your partner is dangerous, but rather that should you have an accident or something else happened its important someone knows where you are likely to be.

Give your parents time on this one. A person who is gay is often easier to cope with in the sense that its cut and dry - attraction to the same sex, end of story. Bisexuality tends to give a hope that this is an "experimental phase" and that you will settle into a hetrosexual relationship. Obviously most parrents would prefer there offspring to be hetrosexual if only because there's no bigotry and homophobia to face. Therefore they would natrually want you to quickly make the choice to move over to your hetrosexual leanings and stay there.

By being discreet, but thinking about personal safety you can have your relationship whilst giving your parents time to come to terms with the idea.