Toxic "Friend" hell!

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Toxic "Friend" hell!

Postby stressball » Wed May 12, 2010 1:33 pm

Hi All, I'm writing this because I just want to have a rant really, I don't think I'm looking for any solutions but I just needed to get this all out!

I posted something on here a while ago around October time last year, about how an "ex friend" was coming back on the scene. Well I am writing about one of the "new friends" which encouraged me to get into contact with the ex-friend regardless of how I felt about the situation - well I'm having trouble with this girl, let's call her "B".

Anyway, after this incident, turns out the ex-friend did not meet up with anyone from my work/friendship group and it was all a one-off thing - surprisingly the ex-friend contacted me and we met up earlier this year and cleared the air. We are not close friends as before but we are civil and she added me as a friend on facebook who I speak to occasionally.

Well before all this happened, B was acting really b i tchy towards me, going out with our other friend (let's call her "H") without inviting me, then bragging about how she had such a great time with H and she thinks she is great, etc (all in my view as I have them all on facebook). Over christmas I bought B & H gifts as per normal, as H was still being OK with me, H gave me a present, but B never bothered and didn't even say thank you for mine (i got her an expensive bag she always wanted but never had enough money to buy). At this point I distanced myself from her, stopped going to lunch with her at work (as per another post of mine) and became civil not friendly towards her, and she had to cheek to ask why! Needless to say, I didn't really give her an answer.

Moving on a couple of months from Xmas, things became strained at work, B would hardly talk to me, and if she did it would be to brag about what a great weekend she had partying with H and another person from work who they befriended. By this point, I could tell H was starting to back off from me slightly too, although she never was nasty as such, I feel she was just going with the flow so to speak. Anyway, I bit the bullet and spoke to B and told her why I backed off from her, explaining that i felt she needed time-out and felt she didnt want to spend time with me - she replied saying she had no idea i felt like that, and that I "cut her out" of my life unnecessarily and admitted to b itching about an old friend who I'd met up with and was seeing occasionally! I explained I hadn't "dropped her" for someone else as she had made out (to everyone else in the company I heard afterwards) and we made things up, or so I thought.

Since then, I have been going out with B, even going on a weekend trip with her and H last month as she nagged me to go even though I said I couldn't afford it but went anyway as it was her birthday, she spent the entire weekend moaning about H to me behind her back, then going out with H to places, not inviting me and bragging about it on facebook again. I felt I was really trying to make things OK with her by not saying anything but it seems no matter what I do she enjoys leaving me out of things then making sure I know about it. On the trip, H asked if I was getting married anytime soon, to which I replied "possibly" and H got excited and said to "B" isnt that great and B replied "its ok as long as u think ur doing to right thing" then started talking about something else.

At work she's really chatty with other people, but then when I join in the conversation it's like she gets the hump and walks off - I know I'm not being paranoid because someone even commented asking what I had done to annoy her!! She always talks about how shes lonely and single etc, then never approaches anyone when she goes out - the last time we went out I introduced her to 2 of my single male friends and she just walked away without even excusing herself to leave!! She moans that I'm not out every weekend and that I lie about having no spare money - and then she can't eat dinner that day because she's overspent on going out! She comments on facebook about what a great life she has how shes not tied down and had a great night out with so and so - all aimed at me, last month i came off of facebook for 2 weeks and she actually got the hump with me over it can you believe it - surely it's my choice whether or not to go on there? Anyway I've reactivated it to talk to others and paid the price ever since.

It's practically impossible to not speak to her at work or take her off facebook or ignore her completely, I wish I could. But I don't think anyone understands how difficult she would make my life when I'm at work. I'm pretty sure lots of other people feel the same towards her but like me they are too afraid what would happen to them if they did anything.

I'm so sorry this post is so long - I've just read one of her comments to the 'ex-friend' on facebook saying about how they should meet soon, just her, B and H, and how her and H are going out the weekend they're gonna have such a fab time! I really wish they would all go away from me, get another job so you're out of my face!!

Thanks to everyone who reads- like I say this is just a rant, just needed to get it off my chest xx
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Re: Toxic "Friend" hell!

Postby ILoveChristmas » Wed May 12, 2010 3:35 pm

I know you said you're not looking for solutions, which I think is a good thing because it's not your problem and therefore you can't solve it.

All you really can do is continue to be civil towards both of them as you are doing. What you mustn't do is stoop to the level of talking behind backs, or discussing matters with other staff members. It doesn't matter if your conversation isn't negative towards them, that part would be lost in translation when it got back to them and things would only be worse.

People who talk behind other's backs always get found out for who they are sooner or later. Maintain the moral high ground and keep your head down.
Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive. - Stephen Fry.

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. — Steve Furtick
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Re: Toxic "Friend" hell!

Postby Bel Bel » Thu May 13, 2010 1:11 pm

I agree with ILC but would also add I think she is thoroughly jealous of you
People who need to exageratte and tell theworld how fantastic thier life is are usually liars. If it's so good you don't need to shout about it to everyone. She is obvisouly insecure and desperate for the world to think she is really together and having this amazing life
Try not to let her get to you and stop reading the comments on face book. They can't get to you if you don't read them :wink:
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Re: Toxic "Friend" hell!

Postby mysterychild » Fri May 14, 2010 9:21 am

All I can say is, geez but Facebook creates a lot of problems and people talk a lot of BS on it!

There is only ever ONE solution to dealing with people like you're describing, and that's to stop allowing them have an effect on you. Yea, it's the hardest thing! However, they feed off your reaction, and you're reacting big time to this woman.

You can't change her, and you can't change what she writes on FB. I mean really, who cares about what a great time she has, blah blah? So make concerted effort to change your reaction - studied indifference and a poker face - and stop reading her FB page.

In the end you need to cultivate an attitude of disinterest. It takes time, but if you start by pretending this is how you feel, eventually you'll start to feel it.

At work be professional, be nice but switch off any interest you have in her activities or her person. Smile, grit your teeth and fill your life with something else. Don't allow her to feed off your energy and don't give your energy away to her. I'm sure you can find something else in your life that's more deserving!
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Re: Toxic "Friend" hell!

Postby stressball » Sun May 16, 2010 1:56 pm

Hi I Love Christmas, Bel Bel & Mysterychild, thanks for your replies.

I think I've taken on board the fact that I shouldn't b itch about her to others - I've been really careful so far when people ask me what I've done to upset her, I tend to deny all knowledge and I'm glad that no-one else is involved because that would just add extra drama to the situation. I think people have kind of guessed what's going on, and I've even had one person come up to me and say why am I being mean to HER because I won't give my side of the story - in those moments I find it hard to keep quiet!!

I agree with the whole "my life is great and I need to tell everyone" meaning that the person is usually insecure - I've been there when she's had her down days and someone suggested she may be a little depressed as she's had quite a rough year (boyfriend leaving for another woman) so in that way I do feel sorry for her. Although I feel as though I should apologise for having a stable relationship and home life - she used to constantly ask if there were any niggles or problems that I could talk about to her and I used to think that was very odd!!

In regards to facebook, I don't deliberately go onto her page and read it - in fact I wont look at her page at all if I can help it, it's just the newsfeed that comes up every so often that shows what she's put, so I don't really have a choice with reading what shes put on her page/or written to other people, and like I say I can't delete just her because it would just make the situation worse. She writes things on the walls of other people I work with to invite them out somewhere and deliberately leave my name out of the invited list because she knows I will see it on the newsfeed.

I know there are more important things in life to worry about, and I need to concentrate on what I have and what is good in my life etc, which I wouldn't have enough fingers and toes to count my blessings on luckily, but It's annoying how something such as this can weigh me down when I don't want it to - I wish I could switch off my feelings of pleasing everyone (including her), say f you and not care about the consequences, but I can't. Maybe I need to grow a backbone!! :)

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Re: Toxic "Friend" hell!

Postby snail » Sun May 16, 2010 2:59 pm

stressball wrote: it's just the newsfeed that comes up every so often that shows what she's put, so I don't really have a choice with reading what shes put on her page/or written to other people, and like I say I can't delete just her because it would just make the situation worse.


I think you can 'hide' someone's feed without deleting them, meaning that you don't see their activities at all. I had to do it with my young niece, because otherwise my whole page was full of things she had written on walls or quizzes she had taken - she was on Facebook so much her feeds pushed everything else off the page.
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Re: Toxic "Friend" hell!

Postby stressball » Sun May 16, 2010 9:04 pm

Thanks Snail - I'll have a look into that on facebook - it's something I deinately want to do!

Thanks very much

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Re: Toxic "Friend" hell!

Postby mysterychild » Mon May 17, 2010 9:03 am

I know there are more important things in life to worry about, and I need to concentrate on what I have and what is good in my life etc, which I wouldn't have enough fingers and toes to count my blessings on luckily, but It's annoying how something such as this can weigh me down when I don't want it to - I wish I could switch off my feelings of pleasing everyone (including her), say f you and not care about the consequences, but I can't. Maybe I need to grow a backbone!!


No I don't think you need to grow a backbone! You're just human and naturally you're affected by this person. There is no easy solution. It sounds as if you're doing all the 'right' things - but be prepared for her to see you as the bad guy because you're not as friendly as you used to be. While you continue to work with her she will still rankle and push your buttons, but eventually pretending that it doesn't will have an effect and you won't care as much. You sound compassionate and caring - don't lose those qualities!
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Re: Toxic "Friend" hell!

Postby Bel Bel » Mon May 17, 2010 12:26 pm

I think you have to change your thinking
She is just some girl inviting people out, you don't want to go anyway so why let it get to you
She probably is doing it deliberatly but she might not, she may generally have got the vibe off you and doesn't therefore invite you anymore
You can't second guess other peoples motives for doing things
She may not even think about the fact you read these responses, it's just her may of communicating. if it's a general message surely she can't stop you seeing it one way of or the other.

At the end of the day she can only get to you if you allow her too. Don't give her the power to get in your head. Just really make a concious effort to let it all roll over you.

The fact that tells people she doesn't know what she has done to offend you may genuinally show this isn't behaviour she plans but it's just the way she is and is too thick to see it from your point of view. Next time someone ask for your side of the story tell them it's private. And if they acuse you of being mean ask them for examples, becasue from what you have said you haven't done anything at all except be civil, that can hardly be taken as mean behaviour
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