Don't know what to do anymore

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Re: Don't know what to do anymore

Postby Lust » Wed May 26, 2010 1:51 pm

Thanks retrochav :)

I managed to discretely see her on Saturday, she was on her way back home from being in London and i managed to have a couple of hours with her. I was staying at my friends house that night and she was in town at the time i met up with my girlfriend so if anything had happened, she would have been close by. My mum, in particular is still being weird sometimes, saying things like "there was something we didn't like about her, so you best not be talking to her still" im assuming the thing they dont like is that she's a girl, as they have never met her so have no right to judge her really.

If my parents had been less harsh over the whole situation, i'd have asked them to meet her so that they can see she's genuine, but obviously i cant do that. Im having to stay in my home town for another year to do a foundation degree in art, but then hopefully im moving to Cardiff for university, while my girlfriend is moving to London next month, so hopefully it might be easier to discretely see her.

I don't like being secret from my parents but they just dont want to accept this at all, so i have no choice really. Often i've wondered whether to just back down to what my parents want, but then i would be lying to myself instead of them.
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Re: Don't know what to do anymore

Postby ILoveChristmas » Wed May 26, 2010 3:31 pm

I agree with the others who have commented, you should continue to see your girlfriend.

It's a shame that your parents are being the way they are about it. Is your Dad coming round a little, or just not being as vocal anymore? I ask because you said your mum in particular is still being weird.

I think for some people anger is the first line of defense when they're met with a situation that they don't want to be in and can't control. It's a form of denial really. Unfortunately it's extremely niave of your parents to think they can control your inner most feelings through anger.

You're correct, if you bow down to their demands you are only lying to yourself, and moreover you'd be extending this troublesome period over a longer time because your feelings would surface again sooner or later. It's madness to suggest that you've been 'groomed' into thinking you're gay. You either find yourself genuinely attracted to the same sex or you don't (notwithstanding the ability to admit that a member of the same sex is 'attractive', I don't mind doing that and i'm not gay).

What is their response to your attempts to bring the subject up in discussions now they've calmed down a bit?
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Re: Don't know what to do anymore

Postby Lust » Wed May 26, 2010 6:33 pm

They think (hope) i've cut all ties with her, so to bring her up again is quite hard to do right now. My dad just doesnt mention it ever, he hasnt since the night it all kicked off. On saturday my mum, out of the blue, came out with "we're paying for your foundation degree, so dont say we dont do things for you. You know our opinion on that girl (she refuses to use her name) so you best not be talking to her"

Is it too much to ask to just have my girlfriend? I feel sometimes like im trapped inside this house and what they say goes, it doesnt matter how i feel. My parents keep going by the "we're always honest in this family" thing, but i recently found out from my auntie this is not the case, as my parents have never wanted me to know they've been divorced before, for a year or two.
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Re: Don't know what to do anymore

Postby Bel Bel » Thu May 27, 2010 3:43 pm

Well keep that little bit of information until you need it.
Let the dust settle and start talking about dating other girls to take the heat out of the situation with this particular girl.
The once you have dated a while you can either pretend you conincidentlly meet up again or tell the truth and say it's been going on for a while, whichever you feel will go down the best at that given time
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Re: Don't know what to do anymore

Postby retrochav » Fri Jun 18, 2010 9:29 am

Well, the fact of the matter is that parrents are as human as anyone else! They most likely want you to be happy - and probably have visions of gay people either being really debauched predatory characters or lost and lonely people surrounded by cats and dreams of unrequited love! This was about the best we could hope for by way of media representation years ago, and joe public cant question things if they dont know any different!

Its not hugely better in the media now - gay guys are either getting in a tizz over clothes and wallpaper, or if we are shown as average type people, we're struggling with our sexuality or unable to find love. Lesbians, if they are portrayed at all, either look like straight porn stars or po faced miseries clomping round in boots!

As a Bi girl, the hope of your parrents will obviously be that you'll pretty soon reject that type of life and settle down with a nice lad. Maybe you will, but maybe you wont. Ultimatly you have to live life your way now. Respecting your parents by being discrete is the fairest, most mature compromise you can make at the momment. Later on, you may decide to be much more frank, but hopefully they will settle into a sort of understanding that lets you live your life and be a part of theirs.

As Bel Bel says, it is an important revelation that you have found out about them - but whilst things are up in the air there is no point using it.It could be useful later on, when talking about tough decisions and acceptance.

The likelihood is that you were never told because they wanted to create the idea that they have always been a loving and devoted couple. We all have our secrets, and sometimes we do this to protect others.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Re: Don't know what to do anymore

Postby Lust » Mon Jun 21, 2010 11:43 pm

Thanks again Retrochav, you've been really helpful, as has belbel so thankyou both :)

Things have milled down to the point where it feels almost normal around here now. I thought that if i keep it a secret for another while and continue as i am, then if i end up telling my parents the truth in x number of months, they'll hopefully see this isnt just me following other people and that im actually serious about this.

The only problem is my girlfriend didnt see this view at first and wanted me to just get it over with, causing a bit of an argument as she was thinking i wasnt willing to tell them and didnt love her. Eventually this got sorted and she now sees why im doing this, so hopefully it'll work.

Right now im trying to plan my 18th, which is in two weeks and it's stressing me out so much cause im sitting my a levels this week and next. Im trying to work out how to do it discretely so i can see my girlfriend and hopefully get her down so she can come out with me and friends, but it's harder than it sounds.
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