How do you let a friendship die?!

[RagDoll]

I’ve had a friend for 3-4 years now that I was once reasonably close to, but have grown apart from in the last couple of years. To cut a long story short, I feel our friendship has reached a natural conclusion – we have totally different lifestyles and although I think she’s a nice enough person, to be blunt, I don’t really enjoy her company anymore. As time has marched on, we’ve seen less and less of each other, so I assumed she probably felt the same about me, but she stills pops up every now and again and suggests we get together. The last time she did this, I reluctantly agreed to go for dinner with her, mostly because I feel guilty and didn’t know how to let her down gently.

In the end, she cancelled on me anyway, saying she’d managed to get a last-minute hospital appointment as someone had cancelled theirs (she has issues with her health), obviously I just accepted that, but saw that she was using Facebook during the time she’d said her appointment was at. I asked her about it and she said work had told her she had to go to a meeting, so she couldn’t go to her appointment anymore. Basically, I get the feeling she was just making up some excuse not to see me and I’d just caught her out.

We’ve now re-arranged for this Friday coming and she’s already said she can’t stay long as she has to dash off to another arrangement. My problem is, how do you let a friendship go without being harsh?!?! Quite honestly, I’m not bothered about seeing her again and would rather not go for dinner on Friday, but don’t know how to stop her asking me every now and again to meet up. I could just ignore her, but that seems a bit nasty. Any thoughts?

[Bel Bel]

I would cancel Firday on her now and I have a feeling she will get the message. It sounds like she feels the same as you.
Ledt her do all the asking and keep not being available. Short of telling her outright you don't really have any other options

[RagDoll]

What excuse do I give her re: Friday tho?!

I have said I'm busy before in order to avoid her, but she always comes back and asks when I'm free and it seems ridiculous to say I'm busy for the rest of my life, ha. I don't know what to do when she says that.

[Bel Bel]

Well if you are planning to stay in Friday you can tell her you're ill on Thursday and can't see yourself getting better by Friday. At least you have given a days notice. If you have a dicky tummy she can't even find it odd if she catches you on facebook
Alternatively you will have to say somehting more important has come up or you forgot about another engagement and you're sorry but could you catch up another time.
I see your problem but agian unless you wnat to be straight with her you may need to do this a few more times ubtil she finally gives up

[RagDoll]

Well I've cancelled dinner tomorrow - I said I have loads of uni work on, which is true anyway. I'm waiting for a reply from her, I bet she's pee'd off with me, but she doesn't have any right to be really.

[Bel Bel]

Exactly so don't allow her to make you feel guilty

[whoopsie]

I've had a similar problem with a couple of friends recently. There was a group of us and the whole thing pretty much disbanded about 2 years ago. There are still a couple of girls who have made no effort with me since and get offended when I delete them from Facebook. It's only facebook for goodness sake!! I don't mean to be mean, but these people have done the same to me, arranged something, then cancelled for no reason or don't return texts. One of them is getting married in September as am I. I thought it would be a good opportunity to start up conversations and swap ideas but she made no effort to reciprocate so what's the point?!

I don't have many friends but I would rather one or two good friends as opposed to loads of aquaintences.

I think I may have gone off on a ranty tangent, but I know what you mean!!

[snail]

"A ranty tangent" - I love it!

[Bel Bel]

Makes me think of an angry traingle

[jcd]

look just be honest with your friend and tell her how you feel and im sure she will understand. just say over the years you think you have grown apart and their isnt much to talk about no more. explain that you have grown apart and although you could keep in touch on facebook you would prefer not meeting no more as you feel she feels this way to. be honest though as honisty is the best policy

[RagDoll]

I really don't think she would understand, in fact, I know she wouldn't. She's a very sensitive person and she'd take great offence to me saying that. I don't particularly want to be friends with her anymore, but equally I don't want to hurt her feelings.

[Bel Bel]

The thing is if you don't want to be her friend why do you care how it makes her feel? Yes ok it's not nice to be horrible (truthful) but you will either have to keep letting her down to get rid or be straight. Either way she will end up hating you anyway so in some respects may as well get it over with

[Bel Bel]

and she wasn't so sensitive when she was meant to be at the hopsital and was on facebook was she?

[RagDoll]

The thing is if you don't want to be her friend why do you care how it makes her feel?

and she wasn't so sensitive when she was meant to be at the hopsital and was on facebook was she?

She was insensitive, but that doesn't give me an excuse to behave in the same way - I might not want to be her friend, but she's still a human being with feelings, I don't want to be unnecessarily mean. I think there's a difference between being in your face about it and basically saying 'I no longer want to be friends with you' to trying to gradually lessen/cut contact.

To be honest, I've put this issue to bed anyways and originally posted about it a while ago, I was just replying as someone posted something in the last few days. I've decided to distance myself from her as much as possible and seem to have done this successfully. I have met up with her once since posting, but on my terms as I controlled the situation by meeting up with her on my lunch break, which meant a) it wasn't in my 'free' time on evenings/weekends and b) it was for a set time period.

[Bel Bel]

sounds like you have it all under control and fair play for not wanting to stoop to her level