Wedding guestlist issues!

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Wedding guestlist issues!

Postby stressball » Sat Jul 31, 2010 9:11 pm

Hi All,

I'm not entirely sure where what I'm going to achieve by writing this but just felt I had to write it down so I could sort it out in my head if that makes sense!!

I'm getting married next June (wahey!) and all the plans and preperations are in place at the moment, including the guest list. Herein lies my first problem.

I work in a small company with 8 people in my department whom I wish to invite, bar one, namely my boss. He is the most deceitful, unprofessional, dishonest man I've ever met in my life. To say what he's said and done to me would take up too much space, although he has recently resorted to pulling my hair(!). Anyways, after hearing I got engaged (after calling me an old maid and saying no1 would want to marry me, I'm 24 by the way!) he came up to me all smarmy and asked when i would be having it so he could "mark it in his diary" - I replied that we hasn't organised a date yet. Well since we got round to organising the date he keeps asking when it is so he can "look forward to it". I get on really well with my other colleagues and see some outside work regularly so I had no qualms to inviting them to my wedding, although only the reception as we can't afford to invite them to the ceremony (both my partner & I have big families and would prove too expensive to invite others to the day). I really want to tell him to **** off especially after the way hes treated me, but this man pays my wages and I KNOW he would make my life hell if I leave him out. And before anyone wonders - there's 99% chance he will come as he was invited to my colleagues wedding and was in the majority of his wedding photos!!!

That's my first issue. The second is concerning a woman who I got very friendly with last year but have since found out she's the nastiest woman I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. After helping her through a rough patch with her then partner (now ex) this woman completely disregarded our friendship and started being nasty to me by excluding me from social work events and then bragging about it to my face/on facebook. I hadn't a clue why she turned so nasty to be honest, although I do know she has a lot of issues with everyone she meets! Again, there's so many things she's said & done it would take too long to explain. Anyway when I first got engaged she didn't even congratulate me, and asked "if you're sure it's the right thing to do"!!!!!! Now she's talking about organising the hen do with "just work colleagues" and saying about the reception...I havent even said I'm inviting her!! The thing is, if I don't she's going to make my life hell also and I'm not even joking. She works with 5 other girls in her dept which are all pleasant to my face but I know they don't actually care about me. I'm thinking If I don't invite them surely I have the right to exclude her on the basis that I'm not picking people from that department, i.e. none of them are invited?

I know the simple solution is to exclude them both but I know my life will not be worth living if I do. Arghh!

Stressball x
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Re: Wedding guestlist issues!

Postby Angel_Fairy » Sat Jul 31, 2010 11:02 pm

Eek! What a horrible situation to be in.
The most important thing you need to think about is that it is YOUR wedding. It is up to you who you choose to invite. If you invite your bullying boss, what's to say he won't ruin the day, by upsetting you or saying inappropriate comments about/ to you on the day. You don't need that added stress on your wedding day. If his has resorted to pulling your hair and being damn right mean to you at work, you should get your union involved!! That is illegal for him to be unprofessional towards you in this manner.

As for your 'friend' issue. Same as above- don't invite her if she's making/ made your life hell before. You could always sit down and chat to her if you think your differences can be resolved- otherwise don't include her. I don't know the extent of what has happened between you both.

Just imagine the photos of your wedding day- The happiest day of your life- do they both feature in them? will they happily celebrate the union? will they add to your stress and make you feel uncomfortable?

Do not feel bullied in to inviting them- but June is 10 months away- alot can happen in that time- can you resolve your differences in that time?

Congratulations (by the way LOL)- and good luck xxxx
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Re: Wedding guestlist issues!

Postby stressball » Sun Aug 01, 2010 1:41 pm

Hi Angel_Fairy, thanks for finding to time to read through all that and reply :)

In regards to my boss, as we are very small company we don't have a union as such, we don't even have a HR dept...in fact I do all/most of the HR admin as there is a guy who's "HR assistant" but is just fresh from uni and never there!! Plus I've tried saying about my boss to him before and he said to just ignore him, good huh??

I've tried talking to the woman, but I honestly don't think it made/would make any difference. Even when we were close in the past I still kept hearing things she'd said about me from other people, and all she seemed to do when we were close was to moan about everyone else, it's quite exhausting to be around someone who's negative 100% of the time, and as selfish as it sounds, i'd rather not be a part of it anymore.

I guess I'm just worried about the repercussions (sp?) I'm going to experience at work if I'm honest, and what you've just said confirmed my feelings that if they were to come to the wedding, they would add to the stress! I've pretty much been accepting and a pushover so far I guess it's time I stood up for myself for a change, much to a select few's annoyance!

Thanks for your advice, it's helped me make my mind up x
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Re: Wedding guestlist issues!

Postby Skarlet » Sun Aug 01, 2010 1:53 pm

Hi Stressball,

Is there anyway you could just invite him to the evening part of your reception- invite all the people you want to the actual wedding, but say that your budget precludes inviting all but the very closest of people. They can't get funny because you have actually invited them (although seeing what they are like then it will still be a issue) but they won't be there for the pictures and can't ruin the actual wedding.

In regards to your boss, I would start writing a diary about his inappropriateness. It will give you back up if he ever sacks you or is completely inappropriate, and you can take him to a tribunal. He should not be doing physical things like pulling your hair.

Congratulations by the way, I hope you work this out in a way that suits you.

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Re: Wedding guestlist issues!

Postby stressball » Sun Aug 01, 2010 3:58 pm

Hi Skarlet,

Thanks for your reply and advice. The only thing is I'm only planning on inviting my work colleagues to the evening bit only anyway as both mine and my partner's families are too large to invite others to the actual ceremony, I'm just thinking there isnt any way i would want to invite him, it would literally be if i had to, then it might be a possibilty.

There's a running joke in the office that my boss pulls my hair and makes personal sexist comments towards me, everyone finds it hilarious and the mere mention of me taking it further would seem that im overly sensitive and I have a feeling my life wouldnt be worth living at work if I did, he's not done anything like corner me when I'm alone and I tend to bite back 99% of the time so in his eyes he's probably seeing it as "office banter" - the guy seriously gives me the creeps, and even our Managing Director admits my boss is a bit of a creep...yet finds it hilarious!! I've mentioned it to members of my family and friends and they all either find it funny or don't really say much so I never really thought I'd have a case to be honest..even If I wanted to complain!

Thank you for your advice x
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Re: Wedding guestlist issues!

Postby Skarlet » Mon Aug 02, 2010 9:43 am

To be honest, I would speak to the managing director, even if they feel its hilarious, it is bullying and in employment law you have a right to not feel harassed at work.http://www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=797 can offer good advice, and if you wanted to talk to someone they have a phoneline.

In that case, just use the you don't have enough space for everyone, so only close friends and family are invited. Just be really apologetic, and if its a issue don't rise to any baiting.
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Re: Wedding guestlist issues!

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Aug 02, 2010 11:55 am

You will be very busy at your wedding and have lots of people around you who love. It's a few hours in the evening to let him come, if you don't you have to work with him everyday thereafter and as you say he can make your life hell

Personally I would invite him but let someone you trust know who he is and ask if they could keep an eye on him for you

He won't be in the pics as they are usually done before the evening

As for the other woman tell her you have a limit on numbers, true on most venus and most budgets and you ahve had to stick with immediate colleagues only. If she doesn't understand, tough. She isn't in the same office. If you tell all the girls in her offive at the same time it will be ahrder for her to witch. Most decent people will understand.

You could also tell your colleagues an hour later than the rest of the evning guests so they aren't there for so long. If they should find out you just tell them you wnated a staggered approach so you had mor time to say hello to relatives etc when they arrived
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Re: Wedding guestlist issues!

Postby snail » Mon Aug 02, 2010 5:34 pm

Bel Bel wrote:You could also tell your colleagues an hour later than the rest of the evning guests so they aren't there for so long. If they should find out you just tell them you wnated a staggered approach so you had mor time to say hello to relatives etc when they arrived


Wow, what a great idea!
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Re: Wedding guestlist issues!

Postby stressball » Mon Aug 02, 2010 9:48 pm

Hi Belbel, Snail's right, that is a good idea! Just thinking to myself today that there's no way I'd get away with not inviting my boss, even though I don't want to, so that would be the perfect solution, thanks very much!

And as for the woman, I can't do right by her in any way - I havent said/done anything wrong yet she gave me the silent treatment today for no reason...then came into my office to speak to one of my colleagues, checked i was looking in her direction then proceeded to turn her chair round so her back was facing me... I had a stifle a laugh at how pathetic she was...she's 27 for goodness' sake, not 7!! I thought to myself "carry on, because it's made my decision that whole lot easier!!"

Thanks very much for your advice!

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Re: Wedding guestlist issues!

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Aug 05, 2010 12:00 pm

Next time I would laugh out loud, bet she won't ask you why you are laughing but it will make her feel stupid
Also if she does dare ask you you can say "private joke but I couldn't keep the laughter in"
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Re: Wedding guestlist issues!

Postby stressball » Thu Aug 05, 2010 9:45 pm

Nice one Bel Bel, I might try that! In the last 2 days things have taken an unexpected turn for the worse, it's like she knows what I'm thinking!! She's now deleted me off facebook completely, no explanation or indication why whatsoever, and at the time i was advised by my fiance to do not say anything or ask her why because it would just add fuel to the fire, so I didn't. For the past few days I've not said anything to anyone about it apart from my partner, even though she posts comments on our mutual friends wall earlier this evening saying "what a great time she'll have with everyone tonight" (i was not invited) knowing that I can see it. Well yesterday she gave me evils from across the room wouldnt look me in the eye and wouldnt speak even though I was being brave and talking normally to her, and today ive been the same and she was really nice to me, talking about the weather and making conversation!!! What the hell is wrong with this girl?? Last night I stayed up until about 1am absolutely beside myself and crying uncontrollably because It just got to me - luckily my partner has been really understanding and just keeps reminding me that shes got the problem and not me, and that ive got to take the higher ground. I don't know how much more of this I can take!!

Sorry to have a rant, just needed to get it all out before getting upset again xx
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Re: Wedding guestlist issues!

Postby spacegirl » Thu Aug 05, 2010 10:02 pm

your partner is so right - she has the problem not you. it's not a nice feeling when someone doesn't like you for whatever reason, but it's also not a nice feeling to have negative feelings towards a person. especially this doll who goes out of her way to show it. it's clear she lets this stuff consume her mind for whatever reason, so she can continue on being miserable having these negative feelings, in the long run it's her that will lose out and wind up miserable with no friends. I would just continue building relationships with the nice people in your office and don't waste any more time on her.

there's a woman in my old office who's exactly like that. she started years ago quite friendly and gradually for whatever reason she just started pushing people away, just like you describe. she'd pick one person she didn't like for apparently no reason at all... then another person... then eventually everyone just started leaving her well alone. even when new people start, she's so bitter at this stage she doesn't even bother making an effort and now she sits on her own at lunch, doesn't address people in the lift, sits with her back to the whole office... at the beginning I pitied her but eventually I realised thathe brought it on herself and decided not to take things personally.

Focus on enjoying your wedding plans and enjoy your big day - you'll only do it once so don't let these people get you down!
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Re: Wedding guestlist issues!

Postby stressball » Thu Aug 05, 2010 10:13 pm

Thanks for your advice Spacegirl, I feel better after reading that, along with what everyone else has suggested :)

In a possibly strange way, I'm glad that there are other people like that - that woman sounds like a bit of a nightmare! Personally I can't see her ending up with no friends (she needs a social life to survive) but I've already heard her saying in the past her own department have excluded her from social events...and now she's doing it to me when I've done nothing but be nice! And you're right, she always seems to have something negative going on. She's looking to train an office junior as she was the junior previously, and the 3 we've had on work trial she doesnt like, therefore they havent been able to employ anyone yet, and always seems to find fault with new employees that join the company.

You're right I need to focus on our wedding day - at least I won't have the make the decision whether she deserves to be invited or not now...in fact she's made this easier for me thinking about it!

xx
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Re: Wedding guestlist issues!

Postby Guillaume » Wed Mar 09, 2011 5:00 pm

Hi stressball,
It is up to you who you choose to invite, but it really seems to add stress on your wedding planning !
What he did to you was illegal, but are you sure he would really be able to ruin your day ? Maybe you’re not scared of his possible behaviour, you just don’t want him to be featured in your special day. He seems very strange, it could sad for you to loose your job because of that decision. Just invite him and ask someone you trust keep an eye on him. You said you had a big family, I’m sure you would ignore him, you would have lots of people you love and you haven’t seen for years !
As for the other woman, tell her you have a limit on numbers. She seems boring, she doesn’t deserve your friendship, end of story. She isn't in the same office, so don’t think about it.
The most important thing you need to think about is that it is YOUR wedding.
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Re: Wedding guestlist issues!

Postby crazy_in_love » Mon Apr 25, 2011 10:59 am

Ok firstly lets tackle your boss.

Is he horrible to everyone in your department? if noone likes him, I would have a word with the people whom you want to invite explain you dont want to invite the boss (if they all hate him they will understand) and ask them to keep it quiet that you have invited them. If they are your real friends, they will respect your choice and do this no problem. Ok so if they agree to keep it quiet, what do you tell your boss....well my first question is how well does he know you and your situation? If not very well, advise that your fiance's family have taken over the preparation of the wedding or that they are paying so they have really restricted your numbers. advise it has to be family only and dont tell him youve invited anyone from work. As I said the rest should be happy to play along if they are your friends. It is deceitful but youve got to do it. This is your big day and hopefully your only big day and NOTHING should ruin that. Trust me you will forever regret it if you let people come to your wedding who you dont want there. Everytime you talk about your wedding youll remember the fact that he was there and you didnt want him to be. So after the wedding, you can say that your work mates turned up out of the blue as your fiance had arranged it as a suprise as he knew you wanted them there? I dont know, be creative!

With regards to this girl, dont invite her and explain you only have enough invites for your department only. Also with the hen night, tell her you want to keep it customary and let your maid of honour organise it and that youll be having just one big hen night. Honestly you have to be more assertive.

I was juts like you when I got engaged and after many tears and sleepless nights, I had to get ruthless and you know what, on the day all was forgotten and everyone had a lovely time!
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