Man with feelings for gay female friend

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Man with feelings for gay female friend

Postby ILoveChristmas » Wed Aug 25, 2010 12:36 pm

Hello,

Strange for me to writing about an issue of mine, i'm usually the one dishing out the advice but i'd be most appreciative of your thoughts on this one.

I've been friends with a girl for many years, in fact we were at school together. All through school we had strong feelings for each other, although for one reason or another we never acted upon them.

When we went off to university we lost touch with each other, but my feelings never really went away. Recently we've begun talking and socialising again, which has been great, but this year she came out as gay.

We're not close friends or anything, but i've been to see her a few times and we've spoken about her coming out and hassle her mum is giving her over it. She's told me that she isn't adverse to the idea that she will actually end up with a man, getting married and leading a very happy straight life. I get that. If you're curious then why not explore yourself.

Anyway, whilst we've been together i've sensed the same sort of spark we used to have many years ago and it's left me torn. I don't know whether to admit to having feelings for her, or whether to just keep quiet and let her lead her life. The last thing I want to do is make her confused over her own feelings, or in fact stop her from feeling that i'm a friend whom she can call upon.

What do you think, keep quiet as I have done for years, or say something? Or are there other alternatives that i'm not seeing?
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Re: Man with feelings for gay female friend

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Aug 25, 2010 12:51 pm

Well you say your not close friends so i would ask her if she considers herself bi sexual. I think she does but it would be worth seeing exactly how she sees things now rather than in the future. Her answer will either stop you from saying anything or giving you the green light to getting a bit closer.
Perhaps asking her to go out and do stuff together and seeing if you feel the feelings are being reciprocated befoer plunging in and telling her how you feel.
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Re: Man with feelings for gay female friend

Postby ILoveChristmas » Wed Aug 25, 2010 12:58 pm

Hi Bel Bel, thank you :)

Of course you're right. I think i'll broach the bi-sexual subject next time I see her and gauge the reaction.

Since starting to socialize again we've been out for lunch a couple of times and i've been round to her house in the evenings. I always sense the spark is still there between us both, but I could be getting too caught up in my own emotions to realise if they're not being reciprocated.

Even if they were reciprocated though I still wonder if it might be best to leave her be for a while. If she's curious about her own sexuality maybe I should give her space to explore that before burdening her with other issues.
Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive. - Stephen Fry.

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. — Steve Furtick
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Re: Man with feelings for gay female friend

Postby RagDoll » Wed Aug 25, 2010 3:25 pm

ILoveChristmas wrote:Even if they were reciprocated though I still wonder if it might be best to leave her be for a while. If she's curious about her own sexuality maybe I should give her space to explore that before burdening her with other issues.


I totally see this point of view - I sense that in a nut shell, you're worried that if she settles down with you (at least for now), she may eventually resent you for not 'letting' her have the opportunity to explore her sexuality... BUT I think that's her choice to make.

As Bel Bel suggested, ask her about her sexuality and if she considers herself bi, and if she says she thinks she is, then I think you should tell her how you feel (or make it pretty clear in some shape or form).

I really don't think you should pre-empt how she might feel about the whole thing - I know this is a long shot, but for all you know, you may go out, fall madly in love, get married and both be perfectly content with that. You don't know how she feels.. it might not be that important to her that she explores her feelings for women. Maybe all that matters to her is that she finds the right person, be that male or female. Only she knows how she feels, so let her tell you how it is and what's right for her :)
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Re: Man with feelings for gay female friend

Postby ILoveChristmas » Wed Aug 25, 2010 3:40 pm

RagDoll wrote:I totally see this point of view - I sense that in a nut shell, you're worried that if she settles down with you (at least for now), she may eventually resent you for not 'letting' her have the opportunity to explore her sexuality...


Hi RagDoll, yes you're absolutely right, that is one of the two issues that i'm wrestling with. At the moment she's tending towards a gay relationship, but then she would be if she's curious.

The other is whether it's worth risking our recently rediscovered friendship over my feelings for her, which i've managed to supress for this long anyway. As you say though, it isn't for me to pre-empt her decision.

I think i'll combine the advice of you both: Broach the bisexual subject the next time the opportunity arises and then, based on the response, bring up my feelings for her.

At the end of the day i'm not sure how much closer I could get to her without my feelings becoming an issue anyway, so I may be forced into saying something sooner or later.

Thank you both, your advice is invaluable as always.
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The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. — Steve Furtick
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Re: Man with feelings for gay female friend

Postby snail » Wed Aug 25, 2010 4:28 pm

Good luck, ILC. Personally I don't see how any woman could resist you anyway :P
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Re: Man with feelings for gay female friend

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Aug 25, 2010 4:41 pm

Stop that Snail [-X
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Re: Man with feelings for gay female friend

Postby peecee » Wed Aug 25, 2010 8:12 pm

Yes, stop that, snail. :wink:
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Re: Man with feelings for gay female friend

Postby ILoveChristmas » Thu Aug 26, 2010 8:17 am

Don't stop that Snail :oops:
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The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. — Steve Furtick
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Re: Man with feelings for gay female friend

Postby ILoveChristmas » Thu Aug 26, 2010 9:22 am

Well I was round at her house last night.

We were having a talk and she mentioned that she's seeing a girl she met through another friend. Luckily she told me that before I brought up the subject of my own feelings.

After that I didn't see the point in discussing the bi-sexual aspect, she's off limits for the time being in that sense bi-sexual or not.

So I suppose the upshot of that is that my feelings will need to stay hidden for the time being. It's no great issue I don't think, i've kept them under wraps for this long anyway and I don't want to jeapordising the friendship by blurting out something that can't be acted upon anyway.

Thank you for the input guys, at least I know what course of action to take in future of I get the opportunity.
Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive. - Stephen Fry.

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. — Steve Furtick
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Re: Man with feelings for gay female friend

Postby snail » Thu Aug 26, 2010 2:10 pm

That's a shame :(

Still, it may be fairly short-lived, you never know.
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Re: Man with feelings for gay female friend

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Aug 26, 2010 2:59 pm

Oh well Snail now you can have him all to yourself :wink:
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Re: Man with feelings for gay female friend

Postby snail » Thu Aug 26, 2010 6:09 pm

=P~
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Re: Man with feelings for gay female friend

Postby rufio89 » Thu Aug 26, 2010 6:12 pm

He's mine :p
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Re: Man with feelings for gay female friend

Postby peecee » Thu Aug 26, 2010 6:59 pm

Em - scuse me - age and experience before youth and beauty, stand in line, girls! :bounce:
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