They just use me but what if they are now in trouble?

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They just use me but what if they are now in trouble?

Postby whattodo1000 » Sun Sep 19, 2010 11:53 pm

Long story in short:
I was friends with a girl for years.
Then she met a man (I can't stand him)
She wasn't sure about him at first, then they started dating properly and within 6 weeks were engaged
Within a year of meeting him, they were married
Before him, we did lots together but (looking back) I was the mug who organised everything because she was under so mush pressure at work and I was being supportive.
Funny that she'd enough time to organise a wedding!
I have seen them three times in the last year because they are aways busy with his friends. When they ask me to aything, it's always at short notice and during the week. I have explained that I have chronic fatigue and need to rest but always invite them to weekend activities.
She has shown no concern whatsoever, even when relatives have died, she never gets in touch after to see if I'm ok. I deleted her on facebook (along with a number of others who couldn't care less that I am ill, are online all the time but won't ever interact) and it seems that she has noticed - a month later because she finally has instigated contact.
So now she is ill and it's all about her and will I come round, she's bored but again - come next week, during the week.
Frankly, I want to tell her where to go but I fear that she's found herself in a marriage that is very emotionally abusive and I know that she has very few friends and she would never confide problems with them - she's very unlikely to open up to me either to be honest.
I met them one night in a supermarket and normally that is a very casual easy place to meet a friend but he seemed annoyed that I had come over to them and she looked at him before she would speak. I was only asking how work was and things like that. She's the only person I've seen on their wedding day who's flesh seemed to crawl when her husband touched her at all.
Her emails keep talking about her being in hiding and becoming a recluse because she's not well. I live on my own and don't use language like that even though I've been in the house so much this year. How does that suit someone who is just married for a year?
I've told her again that I can only come out at the weekend and given her dates for two weeks time but half of me really can't be annoyed with her at all. I feel that just taking me for granted for two years is not part of a friendship. She's never been good at giving details about anything (I don't really know what's wrong with her, she's only talked about tiredness which I know all about and now she's off work so it could be anything) so I've also pointed out that she needs to let me know if she has a virus because my immune system is pretty weak.
Should I give her another chance? A month ago I was fairly sure the friendship was over and had accepted that, was a peace with it - hence the faceook deletes but now she's unsettled that.
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Re: They just use me but what if they are now in trouble?

Postby Londongirl » Mon Sep 20, 2010 3:48 pm

I find it sad that your friendship died because your friend met a man and found little time for you. She probably does care in her own way, but sadly, men, marriage, babies etc can all mean we don't put as much into our friendships.
It's hard when friends move on and seem to be occupied with other things, but that's life and you have to adapt and try and find time for friendships, maybe you can tell her that you feel she has neglected you.
Lots of my good friends are now married or have children (i am in a relationship, but not married and no kids) and sometimes I feel 'slotted in' to their busy lives...not forgetting that I have my own life and things going on too, but sometimes I speak to my friends and feel that they just can't be bothered or are too 'busy'. I am also quite a sensitive soul and always remember things like birthdays etc, but sometimes I feel people forget mine or I feel I am not as important now they are married or kids have come along - and that's probably true! I try not to take it too personally.
I do think your friend sounds a little selfish, but you said yourself you suffer with chronic fatigue and maybe your friend thinks you are the one who abandoned her? Or perhaps she thinks you are always making excuses not to see her? Weekends are hard for a lot of people, could you not arrange one night in the week? I am not trying to be unkind to you - just trying to see things objectively.
Can you not just be a friend now and put past hurts behind you? A true friend is a friend at all times...maybe show a bit of kindness in her hour of need and who knows, you might find you have a good friend back. Be the bigger person here.
It does sound like you have a bit of resentment for her...the fact she got married so quickly (you don't say if you are in a relationship), the way her husband acted towards you in the supermarket. You made it clear you don't like him and your friend might feel odd about it all. If she married and made a mistake, wouldn't you want to help her - not hold a grudge?
Life's too short, speak to your friend and I am sure you will feel better about everything.
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Re: They just use me but what if they are now in trouble?

Postby suttysue » Sun Nov 14, 2010 3:36 pm

I think its difficult to tell what people really mean by emails/texts/shoty phone calls etc. Why don't you give her a chance and meet her du=uring the week if thats possible. Its good to have as many friends as possible as long as they balance out eventually.
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