Lost the love of my life

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Lost the love of my life

Postby GoingCrazy » Wed Dec 08, 2010 10:30 am

Im 27 years old and i think i have always known im a lesbian, but have never actually come out. ive had attractions to girls for as long as i can remember and have had a couple of close relationships with girls that nobody has known about.
My family are the best parents ever but i dont feel i can talk to the about this, my dad is so anti-gay he makes comments about things on tv and thinks its discusting. I always remember when i was about 10 he said if my brother ever turned out to be gay then he would dis-own him! so i guess im scared as to how he will react. Ive always dated men otherwise but have never felt comfortable in any of those relationships.
Nearly two years ago now i met a girl who i had an instant attraction to, she is gay,out and comfortable with who she is. We started flirting and i really liked her and the attention she was giving me, it was hard because the people around me didnt know about the way i felt and i was keeping everything a secret. We saw each other everyday and spent every minute we could together. She told me she loved me and i felt the same everything was great but i had this dark cloud hanging over my head, could i tell people i was gay?? a year went by and i was still no closer to having the strength to do it.
Our relationship started to suffer and i pushed her away because i was struggling to come to terms with me sexuality and coming out at 27! I thought i would hurt people and they would feel like they dont know me.
This battle in my head went on for 6mths and i really dont know how she stuck by me for that long she was hurting so much because she knew i couldnt do it.
I recently got so stressed that i broke it off because i didnt want to see her huting anymore, i thought i was doing the right thing but immediatly knew it wasnt what i wanted to do. I went on holiday on my own to clear my head and the pain i felt when i was there was undescribeable, i missed her so much and started to think about us being together for real, i wrote my family a letter just incase i couldnt actually tell them and i was all set to go for it and get her back.
We met the day i got back and she said she couldnt do it anymore she had been hurting for too long and she doesnt think we can go back, too much had been said. I was devistated, but i thought if she had a bit of time to think we might be able to work through it.
A week went by and she started to be really off with me she wouldnt answer my calls and wouldnt meet me. Then by txt told me she was seeing someone else and it was over. I feel destroyed I keep thinking of her with someone else and it makes me feel sick! I feel i will never love anyone the way i love her and im going crazy because ive lost her.
She told me it was just a rebound thing and it wasnt serious but i keep seeing her car out side her house and since have found messages they were sending eachother about 2 weeks before we split which makes me think its been going on longer than what she says.
I find it really hard to take in she loved me so much, ive never felt love like that before she is my sole mate, so i thought she would never be with someone this soon and be so cold and unloving to me so quickley.
She said she thinks it as wrong to tell me by txt and said she would talk to me properly when she was ready, so im just waiting to know when that will be.
Do you think this is over or if i give her space do you think she will want me back??
Im scared this girl shes seeing is going to get more serious its doing my head in please help!
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Re: Lost the love of my life

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Dec 10, 2010 1:18 pm

Firstly your dad is possibly more disgusted by males being gay than girls, I find this is the case with a lot of men.

You cannot live your life hiding from the real you. You have alrady seen it has cost you your g/f and you are terribly unhappy.

You parents may initially be shocked but I am sure they will come round. Either way can you really risk losing someone else because you are too scared to come out. Do you wnat to live your whole life as a lie.

Maybe now whilst you have not got a g/f it would be easier to come out. That way your parents cannot hate any future g/f for turning you gay. It would be an easy way for them to deal with it, blame the other person for turning you gay.

I think you have to accept the lose of your g/f and learn a huge lessons from it. You need to be honest. Think of it from her point of view. She probably felt like you were ashamed of her. She put up with it for a long time and whilst having an affair (if she actually did) isn't the right way to deal with things she felt let down by you and it's easy to see how what the other person was offering may have been a way to escape the hurt she was feeling.

You could still give your parents the letter if you still feel you can't talk to them.
Last edited by Bel Bel on Fri Dec 31, 2010 11:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Lost the love of my life

Postby alibargain » Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:15 pm

I am now 45 years old. I was married to a man and had two beautiful children. I got divorced and had a couple of relationships with men. I then met one of my friends sisters who is gay and fell deeply in love. I had never been attracted to women before. I knew instantly i wanted to spend the rest of my life with this lady and wasn't going to let anyone or thing stop me. its my life not theirs. Firstly i told my children then my family. who were all ok with it. I then told all my close friends and work friends.
As you can imagine it was a very difficult thing for me to do so i understand how you are feeling.
All i can say is that it wasn't half as bad as i thought it was going to be. There was a couple of people who were a bit 'off'with me but thats all. We have since had a civil partnership and its the best thing ever.

Telll your parents because untill you do you won't ever be truly happy with yourself.
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Re: Lost the love of my life

Postby retrochav » Thu Dec 30, 2010 2:42 pm

I am going to have to be Mr Unpopular here, so here goes...

You ex girlfriend is clearly making excuses to split. Look at the facts. She was texting someone else 2 weeks before you split up, and who knows how much further back that goes. Then she says she cant handle the fact you arent out. Does spending time with your parrents really mean so much to her??? A loving person tries to make the comming out proccess easier - not pile on the pressure. If this was a straight relationship we'd be telling you a cheating partner isnt worthwhile, and thats how i feel about this to be honest.

She says she will talk to you when she's ready - but what she has done speaks volumes already. I hope you arent going past her home to track her movements, I understand that is tempting, but it will hurt you so badly.

Bel Bel is quite right in what she says - men often do find it harder to accept a gay son than a lesbian daughter. Nevertheless, it is rare to totally disown a child, and usually compromise on both sides makes the parental relationship work. This is a decision to be made for a future time though, as right now you need to cope with a broken heart, and the difficulty of comming out to your family is an added hasstle you dont need.

Maybe you and this girl will get back together in the future, but i think she is the one who has to make the moves, you are the innocent victim
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Re: Lost the love of my life

Postby janieou » Fri Dec 31, 2010 12:09 am

Hi there,

Gosh, I think you have been really lucky in finding the love of your life, with what you have written I don't think it seems to be a cut and dry thing, It seems to be an area that your relationship went slightly wrong with her thinking that maybe you were ashamed to be thought as lesbian, isn't it awful that we have a label for everything, just yesterday I was talking to my 11 year old, saying that George Micheal was gay, and that it was ok, he was suprised, but I told him that it was a normal thing, and it is, the whole attitude of society has changed thank god, mine included,I overheard somoene saying the other day that she wants 3 children, one of each! It is so much more accepted, and I think enriches everyone lives, when you look at all the celebrities that are gay it's quite an eye opener, and what strikes me is how lovely, funny, and also well rounded personality that they have, maybe something that is missing in some areas of our society!
If you really think that your dad is very old school, then i would also be hesitant of mentioning it to him, because really a leopard cant change his spots, and it may upset you to hear remarks that are purely negative,And it will be nothing to do with who you are as a person.

Do you think this makes any sense to you, maybe she felt that you were not ready.... I personally think that it could change for you, with her, let's hope, and wish you all the best of luck with this x
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