Why is this happening?

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Why is this happening?

Postby Ellexo » Fri Dec 31, 2010 2:05 am

I'm having this trouble with my best friend....

We've been best friends since the beginning of secondary school and now, 7 years later, we're still best friends (supposedly!). For the past few months it's been really hard to get to see her. We've both gone off to different uni's so of course it was going to be different, but I have tried to arrange to see her SO many times now and she keeps blowing me off! She's either "too busy" or she'll accept an invite and then cancel last minute with really quite pathetic excuses. She even cancelled on my birthday cos she "had a bad toe". She never makes any effort anymore - I'm always the one to initiate conversations and organise get togethers. I don't know what's changed in our relationship. This is really upsetting me as we were such good friends before. Always there for each other, always know what the others thinking sort of best friends :(

I don't know whether I should just give up hope and accept this is how it's going to be from now on or whether I should try and get to the bottom of what's causing this. She never tells me anything anymore, when we do talk now it's mostly small talk so I don't know whether she feels she can talk to me now to tell me what's wrong.

What a mess :(
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Re: Why is this happening?

Postby retrochav » Fri Dec 31, 2010 2:23 am

This is the most painful point of friendships - they cant always last the changes we go through.

Often we'll both grow in different directions at the same time and neither notice the change, then the circles may cross later and we pick up where we left off - sadly this doesnt usually work in congrence.

You could ask this friend if there is an actual reason why things arent as close as they were - it could be distance, it could be an underlying issue, a partner, who knows? Give the oppertunity to discuss it. If there isnt a convincing reason, then simply say that you will always be there if needed - and search out a new best friend.

I can understand how it hurts, i have had to allow friends to move on many times and it never gets easier for me. I have found that most of these people drift back in time if they are genuine mates, and if they dont, well who knows, they might one day.

Being open about how you feel and receptive to what ever you are told will be a good way forward.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Re: Why is this happening?

Postby stressball » Sat Jan 01, 2011 6:58 pm

Hi Ellexo,

I came across your post and felt compelled to answer. Weirdly enough, I am in a very similar situation to you, only it being the other way round, therefore I hope I can offer an alternative perspective. My friend and I have also been best friends since secondary school, went our seperate ways but still kept in touch (spookily similar to your situation).

I myself will admit I have been "blowing off" my friend recently, probably more so than I should. However, in my case, there has been several reasons for this - one of which my best friend is what I'd call a "people pleaser" - where she feels she has to be nice to everyone to remain socially accepted. This has led to her joining a very bitchy group (whom we both avoided at school) so as a result alienated me because I refused to go along with them. One time my friend actually invited me out somewhere and DIDN'T tell me the others were coming because she "knew (I) wouldn't come if she had told the truth". in the last few months/years her social life has revolved around them, and whilst I do not have any say who are her friends (and I wouldn't dream of telling her who she sees) she seems inept at seeing me on my own for more than an hour, as she always has commitments to them now. For example, I invited her round my house when I first moved in. She stayed for literally half hour and left as she had planned to meet the others the same night. I had food and dvds prepared so I was quite upset, and the trend continued throughout our friendship. People say you adapt to your environments, well in our case, this is true. Everytime we meet, she criticizes her other friends constantly yet spends all her free time with them. What on earth must she say about me I wonder.

So sorry for the rambling, I have no idea if this is similar to your situation, but I have a feeling that there is something your best friend is keeping from you, whether she feels you are drifiting apart for some reason. Has there been anything in either of your lives that has changed recently? Have either of you been moving in different social circles or had anything happen to cause this upset? Maybe she feels she can't tell you something as she's too embarrassed?

I completely agree with retrochav in that you need to sit her down and talk to her. Unbeknown to you, you may have unintentionally done something to upset her. I know in my situation, I feel there is no point telling my friend how I feel as I don't think it will change anything. Perhaps your best friend feels the same way about you? Unless you talk, you'll never find out - perhaps she's waiting for you to ask?

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Re: Why is this happening?

Postby peufienne » Thu Mar 10, 2011 12:10 am

Hi Ellexo !

I do understand what you are living because I lived this 3 years ago. I had known my best friend for 11 years and we were very close. But when I changed high school, things were becoming more and more complicated over time. Finally, now, we are no longer in touch and I have no idea about what her life has become. This was a really tough period for me, because I wondered if I had done something wrong so that she ignored me. I would imagine the truth was she had changed a lot since the time where we mingled daily, no doubt so did I, and we took different ways.
If I can give you a piece of advice, what I learned from this experience, it would be to talk with your best friend about what you feel, even if it seems difficult to you, because the silence is even more painful to live. For my part, I lived for months with lots of doubts and I had no reason. So, after talking with her, if you see that things can’t turn out right (it happens, unfortunately), I am sure you must have some others friends who are there for you and you should be able to rely on them.

Good luck.

Friendly,

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Re: Why is this happening?

Postby Plissken » Wed Mar 30, 2011 5:43 pm

Hi,

Things must have moved on since your first post here. Hope it goes all right with your friend. As every student, I had also friends moving to different universities. At this period of life, we may need some change. Including friends and siblings unfortunately ...
As Peufienne, I lived a similar experience some years ago. That wasn't really a great experience, but as we said in France "ce qui ne nous tue pas nous rend plus fort" which we can translate by "What does not kill us makes us stronger".
Try to talk to your friend, explain your feelings about the situation. Maybe she will understand and try to change her attitude about you. Or maybe she just need some "air", and in few months she will talk to you like before, like this trouble period never existed.

Hope everything is fine now.

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