What happens to my friends?

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What happens to my friends?

Postby Rose21 » Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:35 am

Hi. I posted once here, quite a long time ago, and got some really helpful replies, so I have come back now with another problem, because I don't know where else to turn.

At uni I had a big group of (I thought) really good friends, two of whom I lived with. Our house was always the one for the group get-togethers, mainly because of our massive living room (anyone who has ever been a student will know how rare and valuable a big living room is!), and so I always went to the earlier part of the parties and tried to be part of things, despite giving up going out clubbing at the beginning of second year because I just couldn't pretend to like it any more. I don't drink, so it was just an exhausting night of being cried on/sweated on/sicked on and then being in charge of getting everyone to bed afterwards. Maybe that makes me boring, but there's only so much I can do!

Anyway, I started going out with my boyfriend in the november of second year (he asked me out on my birthday.. awwww) and my friends never seemed to take to him. He always felt uncomfortable with them, and when I tried to talk to them they would say he was "quite quiet and difficult to talk to"... I don't know if they'd been trying to talk to the wrong person for two years, but my bf is the kind of person who draws people to him like moths to a flame, people adore him, the way his friends flock around him and look at him would actually worry me if they were girls! We now live together, as he is still completing his course at uni and I have started a Masters degree. I haven't seen my friends since I moved out of the house.

I know people move on and drift apart and so on, and I didn't expect to keep in touch will EVERYONE I knew at uni, but just one would be nice. They have all gone home and are working, but they meet up, I see it on facebook (which is a terrible invention, which seems to have been solely designed to increase paranoia!). They arranged a time and place to meet up at graduation and had photos together, no one told me. And they've just had a new years party together which is all over facebook. I wasn't invited. I spent new year sat alone in my flat because I have to work, and my bf was offered his old job back over xmas and new year so had to go home for it. The feeling of rejection and that there must be something wrong with me is absolutely crushing. I was sent to hospital recently with chest pains, and received lots of get well messages on facebook (facebook again!), even from people I haven't seen since school... not one single one from even the people I lived with at uni, and they're the kind of people who are on facebook every 5 minutes, and have palpitations if they're away from it for an hour.

This isn't the first time this has happened. My best friend at school became depressed towards exam time, and I lost my friends by spending all my time trying to support her. She then turned on me and everything became my fault, so I finished school without any friends. Now I've finished uni and have no friends from that experience. I have my best friend in all the world, who sadly lives in Exeter (I live in Leeds), and my boyfriend, the two people who know all the worst things about me and have seen me at my absolute worst, and they're the only ones who have stuck with me. I don't know what I do wrong. Now my chest pains are coming back, I'm exhausted constantly, miserable, run down, having muscle pains and headaches, feeling sick... I don't know whether its the stress of feeling so horribly lonely when the bf isn't here, and worrying about it all the time, wondering what I did to make an entire group of people just cut me off. And I'm scared after ending up so poorly last time that I couldn't leave the house because I was struggling to breathe and had to get taken to the hospital... I'm here on my own, about 100 miles away from my family and my bf, with absolutely no one apart from people I am only slightly acquainted with through work, and the pain is coming back.

I know my problems aren't much compared to other people's, and I've already had my share of help here, and I've wittered on for quite a long time. I'd really appreciate some help if anyone's made it this far through my ramblings.
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Re: What happens to my friends?

Postby chosenfew » Sun Jan 02, 2011 10:37 am

Hi Rose21.

Welcome back to PP

I totally agree with you about facebook, that site should be banned. It's there to cause trouble and stir things up.
As for your friends...why don't you message them all individually and ask them what you have done wrong? Explaine to them that you'd have liked to have been invited out over Xmas when they went and maybe you could arrange another night yourself? You didn't mention if they all like close to each other or if they all live as far away as you?

I wouldn't even worry about what their replies say or what they think about you messeging then coz you don't see them any way but with any luck they haven't left you out on purpose. Maybe they just don't realise you would go as you don't drink?

Hope this helps x
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Re: What happens to my friends?

Postby retrochav » Sun Jan 02, 2011 4:00 pm

Well firstly, if the chest pains come back then contact NHS direct and talk it through - or call 999 and ask for an opinion.

You are describing a classic case of "moving on". You have a very good friend and a good boyfriend, this is worth more than 100 "fair weather friends" the types who meet/get drunk/enjoy good times but disappear if things get serious.

You very strongly decided not to drink alcohol - many of your so called uni friends probably feel the same but think they should get drunk to be part of the crowd. Understandably you felt that being vomitted over, hearing tearful drunken rubbish was pointless. You decided that it wasnt for you. Therefore you showed strength of character again and decided that this wasnt your idea of a night out and stepped aside.

You met a guy whose qualities you like. Your uni friends couldnt relate because he isnt shallow like them. They put in minimal effort and got minimal results. Therefore they skipped on and done what makes them happy.

Now you happen to be home alone and feel lost. It is very normal to reflect and turn it on ourselves. Use this to your advantage, you are a strong person who has decided not to follow the crowd, but follow your own rules. Keep in contact with the Uni mates, but seek out new mates in your area based on mutual interests. Look to do voluntary work that suits your interests, and you will soon find real people to be mates with. Then you can tell the facebook friends about your exploits.

Being true to yourself can often mean one set of footprints in the sand, but following the crowd means we dont leave our own mark.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Re: What happens to my friends?

Postby lovehate17 » Sun Jan 02, 2011 7:41 pm

Hi Rose21.

I know exactly how you feel. I left high school with a group of friends which has recently fallen apart. Two have fallen out and the others have gone away with their boyfriends. My best friend has recently become very strange. She will go out with one of the girls and not invite you but when you go out with them she has to be invited or goes in a mood. And if we go out together then sometimes she invites someone and sometimes not, I don’t know what it is about me though? Anyway I had lots of people I talked to in my year but I don’t get invited out. I also have a boyfriend whom everyone likes and we are both the sort of people who like going out with out friends and enjoy the small quality times spent together, so I don’t think I have drifted away from my friends because of my boyfriend.

Anyway I agree with Chosen few, leave them a facebook comment. You don’t need to dive into the past on a private message; you could start by leaving a simple comment, “hey, how are you? Enjoy Christmas and New Year? Seen the photos, looked like fun?” and see what they say if they reply. You could start by saying this to one of the girls you were closest to and if they don’t reply then you could try someone else or then ask if you have done something wrong. Chosen few might be right and maybe they just thought that you wouldn’t want to come or have made new friends where you now live.

As someone who has lost people in the past I wish I had asked. If they ignore you or start an unfair argument you have nothing to loose as you don’t see them anyway. Hope this helps. Good luck!
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