Relative in marriage breakdown

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Relative in marriage breakdown

Postby fiftyone » Tue Jan 11, 2011 7:32 pm

My relative has ended her marriage and is in love with another man. Her husband is devastated and they asked me if he could stay with me. He moved in and I mentioned that a month would be a good time to stay until something is sorted out. Obviously he is needy and wants to talk about it most of the time and is drinking a lot too. He works during the day. I can just about cope so long as we don't collide in the kitchen too often but I wanted to ask advice on how I can keep my head above water over the next few weeks as I can sense it is affecting me already. How can I ensure that he doesn't stay too long. I mean what is the kindest way to point out that he has to be out in a month. He has nowhere to go although they aren't poor. I am worried about him and don't want to put him on the street but at the end of the day it isn't my responsibility.
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Re: Relative in marriage breakdown

Postby Jo » Mon Jan 17, 2011 6:16 pm

Did you sit down together and set any ground rules or agreements when he first moved in? If not then I think this would be the best place to start, but also set a date to review them and make sure they happen - otherwise they will become meaningless.
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Re: Relative in marriage breakdown

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jan 19, 2011 5:33 pm

tell him you understand him but don't want to take sides and don't feel you can help him with his emotions and suggest he gets counselling. With help he will probably decide he wants to make a new life for himself anyway but I also agree wiht Jo about sitting down and reminding him this was temporary and he needs to think about where he is going to go from XX date.
If he has money he can rent short term or anything. It isn't your responsibility
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Re: Relative in marriage breakdown

Postby fiftyone » Tue May 10, 2011 7:45 am

Thanks for your suggestions. He stayed for two weeks then when it became clear the marriage was over he moved back in and seemed to undergo a personality change. They are still living together and frankly its hellish in their house and the children are suffering too. They are trying to come to an agreemnet on the divorce settlement. He thinks he is in the right and she has done wrong and must move out. They are working through this with counselling but enough of that.
What I'm concerned about is the way he treats their son which is rough. He gets hold of him by the hair behind the ear, puts him in headlocks and frog marches him around the house. I think its abusive but his wife thinks there's a fine line between male rough handling (to toughen them up) and cruelty. She has a lot on her plate trying to get the settlement sorted without inflaming his anger by accusing him of child abuse. What do you think. In other ways he is caring for the children but his son is not like him - ie a rugger nut- but is more creative type.
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Re: Relative in marriage breakdown

Postby Ticktock » Tue May 10, 2011 8:04 am

He is probably doing this to stamp his authority on the household, he has done the broken man bit and is now going to fight the b.... all the way.

You clearly have already had a word with his wife, and her assurances worry me a bit as normally this would be substantive ammunition in a divorce case. I wonder if the rough physical stuff extends to her as well and she is avoiding inflaming the situation while she is within reach?

You can always offer a safe haven for the son, talk it over with your relative, and if she agrees then if things get too rough then he can stay over, doubt you will have to put up with the drinking this time, and since you helped out the husband he can hardly object.
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