I feel anger towards my ex girlfriend because of how she went from telling me she was so in love with me to telling me it was over in literally 10mins. I am so angry that she seems so fine about us being over. The other day she said we cant be friends and then changed it to saying we need space and can be friends after.. but I am just so annoyed that she seems happy and spending lots of time with her friends and posting on facebook about how much of an awesome time shes having. The ironic thing is, as I said in my previous post, I am glad she is happy because she deserves happiness after all shes gone through in life, but at the same time it crushes me because of the amount of times I was there for her as a loving partner and as a best friend too, I thought she would be abit sad but she doesnt seem to be. I just cant seem to get to grips with how it ended and how shes treated me since. I have listened and followed each of her demands since and yet I just feel angry that she hasnt really listened to me and i've done plenty of listening to her and what she wants since we finished. Im just so tied up in knots about it.
Okay, and as also mentioned in my previous topic, my nan is also a huge problem for me. I have always lived with her and my mother (and my grandad who died in 1996) but my nan always tries to control me in every possible way. When I went to counselling a few years ago I took her along to my last session and she spoke for most of it and told me she was jealous of me and my grandad because he used to spend so much time with me (he was my father figure and died when I was 11 ) I felt so mixed up about that because I was a child, she had no reason to be jealous of me back then, I wasnt in competition for anyones affections. However, it made me remember that after my grandad died I tried to warm to my uncle as he was the only male that was then in our household but he flitted between our house and his girlfriends. I used to ask him to play the computer with me and I noticed how every time I asked him, 5 mins into a game nan would ask him to do something like hang up some curtains and as it was 9pm I knew this was silly. In the end I used to ask him to do stuff with me just to see how long it took her to drag him away. I guess after what she said in the counselling session it became clear why she had tried to drag her son away from me - she must of felt like I was gonna take him away from her too. Well, I was 11 and I just wanted someone to be my dad.


Growing up I was always good but in my early teens I suffered so badly with eczema which had me going into hospital and being wrapped in bandages. While I was going through this my nan used to tell everyone from family to a random person on a bus. I did used to tell her not to tell random people and she would comment saying they probably wondered why my skin was so red or why I had scratches all over me. As a 13yr old with eczema I felt ugly enough as it was without needing to justify it to random strangers. Nowadays my eczema isnt that bad, infact, the only problem I have with it now is when its freezing in the winter and its abit dry each morning, but she even points that out to me and I just say 'I know, its my skin and im about to put moisturiser on it'
Um well, I was always a good kid, I mean I didnt smoke and I didnt do drugs and all that stands to this very day. Infact, I drink so rarely that I might have one alcoholic substance maybe once every 2yrs or so. During my late teens and into my 20's I wasnt interested in nightclubs etc but despite this if I went out anywhere my nan would phone me all the time. I believe she phoned me once when I was out with a girlfriend, I felt so embarrassed and felt it was just fair to be honest and explain it to my girlfriend at the time what she was like. I used to tell nan that I didnt really need her to phone me all the time as I was only by a lake or the beach (when I lived in cornwall) She then would come out with something about me not loving her or something or other. Additionally she went on about my weight alot in my late teens saying I was too thin and looked anorexic. I ended up getting a huge complex about that and just went to the doctor and talked it through with her. She sent me for counselling and thats where I talked things through. I had such a complex I didnt wear t-shirts from about the age of 19 right up until June last year (I turned 26 then) as I didnt want people to think I was repulsing. One day in June last year I just chanced it and wore a t-shirt and went flying, after that my confidence increased and I wore lots of t-shirts last summer.
Then there was the job situation - ive had jobs in the past and she didnt really want me to be in them. I would tell her when I would be finishing, i'd then come home and she would tell me I was an hour late to which we'd have an arguement to which she insisted I gave her the wrong time. This happened numerous times. Nowadays im unemployed, she tells everyone I need a job, everyone thinks im lazy but im not. I apply for jobs. What my nan doesnt tell people is that when I tell her what job ive applied for the first thing she says is 'you cant do that' A few months ago I applied for a job as a milkman and when I told her she told me I couldnt do it. Shes said this with nearly all the jobs ive applied for. She even told my mum she doesnt want me to get a job so that she has company with her during the day.
Another thing is how much she questions me on everything. If I get up one day and decide im going to the local lake she asks me why. Then she tells my mum, or my aunt over the phone ive gone to the lake and how unusual it is as I havent been there for a while. Its as if she wants everyone else to say 'oh hes gone there? There must be a problem' Yet if I go to the lake too regularly she thinks I have a girlfriend there which I dont.
Over a year ago me and nan had a falling out because mum was at work and it started snowing. Nan started worrying and I told her mum would be fine. Nan kept wanting to phone mums work and tell her to come home and I said 'phone her, but she wont be able to leave unless the boss says so' Nan kept on at me like it was my fault before she eventually said 'You dont care about her, but I do' I couldnt quite believe that she could think I didnt care about my mum. Infact, after that my nan didnt talk to me for 2 weeks.
Um well, because of the arguements we used to have over my weight I told my nan it was because she always cooked dinner too late and I was over hungry by then and couldnt eat all my dinner so I started cooking for myself. Its been like this for a few years now and cooking has been great since. Normally i'd do my dinner about an hour before my family have theirs. However about 2 weeks ago nan started doing her cooking just after I started mine and I said 'you're cooking early? We're gonna be in eachothers way' She responded with 'If you dont shut up im gonna stab you. I stabbed my brother when we were kids and i'd happily do it to you' so I said 'well, thats attempted murder' and she replied 'I dont care, i'd happily go to prison for it' Anyway, 5hrs later my girlfriend (who I posted about in the gf/bf forum) broke up with me. When I told mum, she pretty much summed up how I felt when she said 'with nan saying she wanted to stab you and Emma leaving you, you must feel like the whole world is against you right now'
I think im just really really fedup. I have always tried to maintain the right and keep everyone happy. I was always well behaved when growing up and yet my nan still wants to control every bit of my life. It really gets to me. At the moment shes at her daughters in cornwall until this friday (she left the day after Emma broke up with me) but when shes back home I will just feel anxious all the time and wait for the next complaint. It frustrates me. It might not sound like it but I do love her. I just wish she could show me she loved me instead of trying to control me. 2 weeks before me and Emma broke up we had talked about saving up and living together next year assuming we both managed to get jobs this year. I was so excited about this because Emma made me so happy. She was so beautiful, so loving and I knew that at the time I meant so much to her too. She treated me so well and lovingly, like no one else has before and we were really happy together and our relationship had been built on some solid foundations. I loved her so much and I literally just wanted her to be happy, I wanted to make her the happiest woman in the world. I thought my life was starting to come together and that soon i'd be able to not only leave the watchful eye of my nan, but i'd be able to share a place with someone that had completely taken my heart and soul and seemed to cherish them. When Emma left she didnt just completely crush me, she killed my hopes and dreams too.
My friends havent been great through all this. Infact, I can pick out one name who has actually really bothered to support me but even she is busy with working long hours in a hospital. Its ashame because for all my friends and family I am there for them day and night no matter what, they're just not there for me.
So I suppose im just angry for so much and I dunno, I dunno how to really vent it, or if I should try and forget about it but I suppose at the moment its all weighing me down because despite being nice to everyone, I literally feel like im not good enough.