Angry

[captainf]

Well I think that after my post in the girlfriend/boyfriend forum I have decided to write a post here about all the anger im feeling. Im not sure how to vent anger because it isnt my thing really but I feel so much of it bottled up inside me recently.

I feel anger towards my ex girlfriend because of how she went from telling me she was so in love with me to telling me it was over in literally 10mins. I am so angry that she seems so fine about us being over. The other day she said we cant be friends and then changed it to saying we need space and can be friends after.. but I am just so annoyed that she seems happy and spending lots of time with her friends and posting on facebook about how much of an awesome time shes having. The ironic thing is, as I said in my previous post, I am glad she is happy because she deserves happiness after all shes gone through in life, but at the same time it crushes me because of the amount of times I was there for her as a loving partner and as a best friend too, I thought she would be abit sad but she doesnt seem to be. I just cant seem to get to grips with how it ended and how shes treated me since. I have listened and followed each of her demands since and yet I just feel angry that she hasnt really listened to me and i've done plenty of listening to her and what she wants since we finished. Im just so tied up in knots about it.

Okay, and as also mentioned in my previous topic, my nan is also a huge problem for me. I have always lived with her and my mother (and my grandad who died in 1996) but my nan always tries to control me in every possible way. When I went to counselling a few years ago I took her along to my last session and she spoke for most of it and told me she was jealous of me and my grandad because he used to spend so much time with me (he was my father figure and died when I was 11 ) I felt so mixed up about that because I was a child, she had no reason to be jealous of me back then, I wasnt in competition for anyones affections. However, it made me remember that after my grandad died I tried to warm to my uncle as he was the only male that was then in our household but he flitted between our house and his girlfriends. I used to ask him to play the computer with me and I noticed how every time I asked him, 5 mins into a game nan would ask him to do something like hang up some curtains and as it was 9pm I knew this was silly. In the end I used to ask him to do stuff with me just to see how long it took her to drag him away. I guess after what she said in the counselling session it became clear why she had tried to drag her son away from me - she must of felt like I was gonna take him away from her too. Well, I was 11 and I just wanted someone to be my dad. We all delt with my grandads death differently and my uncle ended up trying to kill himself and after that he went to counselling and started being horrible towards me.
Growing up I was always good but in my early teens I suffered so badly with eczema which had me going into hospital and being wrapped in bandages. While I was going through this my nan used to tell everyone from family to a random person on a bus. I did used to tell her not to tell random people and she would comment saying they probably wondered why my skin was so red or why I had scratches all over me. As a 13yr old with eczema I felt ugly enough as it was without needing to justify it to random strangers. Nowadays my eczema isnt that bad, infact, the only problem I have with it now is when its freezing in the winter and its abit dry each morning, but she even points that out to me and I just say 'I know, its my skin and im about to put moisturiser on it'
Um well, I was always a good kid, I mean I didnt smoke and I didnt do drugs and all that stands to this very day. Infact, I drink so rarely that I might have one alcoholic substance maybe once every 2yrs or so. During my late teens and into my 20's I wasnt interested in nightclubs etc but despite this if I went out anywhere my nan would phone me all the time. I believe she phoned me once when I was out with a girlfriend, I felt so embarrassed and felt it was just fair to be honest and explain it to my girlfriend at the time what she was like. I used to tell nan that I didnt really need her to phone me all the time as I was only by a lake or the beach (when I lived in cornwall) She then would come out with something about me not loving her or something or other. Additionally she went on about my weight alot in my late teens saying I was too thin and looked anorexic. I ended up getting a huge complex about that and just went to the doctor and talked it through with her. She sent me for counselling and thats where I talked things through. I had such a complex I didnt wear t-shirts from about the age of 19 right up until June last year (I turned 26 then) as I didnt want people to think I was repulsing. One day in June last year I just chanced it and wore a t-shirt and went flying, after that my confidence increased and I wore lots of t-shirts last summer.
Then there was the job situation - ive had jobs in the past and she didnt really want me to be in them. I would tell her when I would be finishing, i'd then come home and she would tell me I was an hour late to which we'd have an arguement to which she insisted I gave her the wrong time. This happened numerous times. Nowadays im unemployed, she tells everyone I need a job, everyone thinks im lazy but im not. I apply for jobs. What my nan doesnt tell people is that when I tell her what job ive applied for the first thing she says is 'you cant do that' A few months ago I applied for a job as a milkman and when I told her she told me I couldnt do it. Shes said this with nearly all the jobs ive applied for. She even told my mum she doesnt want me to get a job so that she has company with her during the day.
Another thing is how much she questions me on everything. If I get up one day and decide im going to the local lake she asks me why. Then she tells my mum, or my aunt over the phone ive gone to the lake and how unusual it is as I havent been there for a while. Its as if she wants everyone else to say 'oh hes gone there? There must be a problem' Yet if I go to the lake too regularly she thinks I have a girlfriend there which I dont.

Over a year ago me and nan had a falling out because mum was at work and it started snowing. Nan started worrying and I told her mum would be fine. Nan kept wanting to phone mums work and tell her to come home and I said 'phone her, but she wont be able to leave unless the boss says so' Nan kept on at me like it was my fault before she eventually said 'You dont care about her, but I do' I couldnt quite believe that she could think I didnt care about my mum. Infact, after that my nan didnt talk to me for 2 weeks.

Um well, because of the arguements we used to have over my weight I told my nan it was because she always cooked dinner too late and I was over hungry by then and couldnt eat all my dinner so I started cooking for myself. Its been like this for a few years now and cooking has been great since. Normally i'd do my dinner about an hour before my family have theirs. However about 2 weeks ago nan started doing her cooking just after I started mine and I said 'you're cooking early? We're gonna be in eachothers way' She responded with 'If you dont shut up im gonna stab you. I stabbed my brother when we were kids and i'd happily do it to you' so I said 'well, thats attempted murder' and she replied 'I dont care, i'd happily go to prison for it' Anyway, 5hrs later my girlfriend (who I posted about in the gf/bf forum) broke up with me. When I told mum, she pretty much summed up how I felt when she said 'with nan saying she wanted to stab you and Emma leaving you, you must feel like the whole world is against you right now'

I think im just really really fedup. I have always tried to maintain the right and keep everyone happy. I was always well behaved when growing up and yet my nan still wants to control every bit of my life. It really gets to me. At the moment shes at her daughters in cornwall until this friday (she left the day after Emma broke up with me) but when shes back home I will just feel anxious all the time and wait for the next complaint. It frustrates me. It might not sound like it but I do love her. I just wish she could show me she loved me instead of trying to control me. 2 weeks before me and Emma broke up we had talked about saving up and living together next year assuming we both managed to get jobs this year. I was so excited about this because Emma made me so happy. She was so beautiful, so loving and I knew that at the time I meant so much to her too. She treated me so well and lovingly, like no one else has before and we were really happy together and our relationship had been built on some solid foundations. I loved her so much and I literally just wanted her to be happy, I wanted to make her the happiest woman in the world. I thought my life was starting to come together and that soon i'd be able to not only leave the watchful eye of my nan, but i'd be able to share a place with someone that had completely taken my heart and soul and seemed to cherish them. When Emma left she didnt just completely crush me, she killed my hopes and dreams too.

My friends havent been great through all this. Infact, I can pick out one name who has actually really bothered to support me but even she is busy with working long hours in a hospital. Its ashame because for all my friends and family I am there for them day and night no matter what, they're just not there for me.

So I suppose im just angry for so much and I dunno, I dunno how to really vent it, or if I should try and forget about it but I suppose at the moment its all weighing me down because despite being nice to everyone, I literally feel like im not good enough.

[RagDoll]

Hi Captain,

Don't have time for a long response, but just wanted to say that I can understand why you're angry and your Grandma sounds very overbearing and unreasonable

I know it's easier said than done, but for your own sanity, I think it'd be really beneficial for you to get just about any job (within reason - I know you said you've been trying), save up and move out. You're the same age as me and it must be a nightmare having little independence (which is clearly exacerbated by your Grandma giving you no space). In the mean time, do you think it would help any to speak to your Mum about how you're Grandma's attitude isn't reasonable? Would it help if she spoke to her or do you not think it'd make an ounce of difference? Alternatively, could you tell your Grandma to butt out (in a diplomatic way!)?

[snail]

I don't have time for a proper response either, but I just have to say I think it's excellent that you are expressing your anger. I wouldn't worry too much about 'venting' it and I certainly wouldn't be trying to forget it - you don't have to do anything about it you know, it just is. Let it live, let it breathe, and see what happens.

A couple of other points; your nan sounds very much like my mother - the bullying, the humiliation, the controlling, the contradictions. Her behaviour towards you comes entirely from her own problems and unhappiness. It's important to remember, you will never be able to please her, no matter what you do. If you get a job, she will blame you for not keeping her company. If you don't get a job, she will blame you for being lazy, and so on. You will never be able to do anything to make her happy, because her unhappiness is coming from inside her and thus can never be fixed by you - you're just the vulnerable object she projects it onto in order to feel better about life and herself. Pay as little attention to her behaviour as you can, and remember that it's really about her, not you.

You don't mention any anger towards your parents. I think you must be angry towards your father for abandoning you and not being a proper and loving father while you were growing up. If you're not angry with him, then you should be - very angry.

And I think you must be angry towards your mother for allowing your nan to make you suffer like this, and not protecting you as a mother should. If you're not angry with her, then you should be - very angry.

I also think moving out would be a good thing, but bear in mind that your nan will no doubt kick off and be even worse towards you - her punch bag is being taken away from her and without that she may have to face up to herself. She won't want to do that.

EDIT: I also just have to say, I think it's extremely bizarre that your mother was so blase about your nan saying she wanted to stab you. That's an appalling thing for her to say to you, utterly unforgivable, and your mother should have seen it this way and told her mother what she thought. But I would think that your mother was badly psychologically damaged herself by your nan, and is not capable of acting in your behalf as she should.

[captainf]

Thankyou for the support. I understand that its good to acknowledge my anger, the thing is that I feel like I need to air it. Thing is, im not sure how? I dont think having a go at someone will be productive, but I do need to get out my anger and im not sure how to do that. I recently purhcased a set of weights and have been doing some weight training and exersize lately and I wondered if doing more of that will help? Or do I need to do something else? How do you guys deal with anger?

Ragdoll, I have been just applying for whatever really - pickers and packers, milkman etc Something will come my way, but the problem is my nan. I just dont like how she tells me one thing and others something else.
My mother is someone I talk to about nearly everything and nan is one of those things. She understands and tells me ive got to do my best to ignore her. Nan tries to control my mum too and succeeds to a degree. Of course if me and mum wasnt living here she would be alone and thats not good for anyone in their 70's but obviously she needs to treat us better. My mum, I think, deals with it better than me. Although nan often gets annoyed with us and then goes away to visit relatives a few times a year so we have a few weeks apart. I think though that my nan isnt as controlling over my mum because my mum has more of a value as such - she is the one who will buy nan her cigarettes when shes run out etc

At the moment my nan is at her daughters (my aunt) and is due back on friday. This aunt has caused enough problems for us though and when we lived in cornwall she had £7000 out of my nan in about a year. She wasnt at all grateful for any of it and eventually we moved because she was causing alot of arguements. As I said, my nan is visiting her at the mo and in 2 weeks has managed to spend £800 on her. Of course nan is quite welcome to do as she wants with her money however her daughter will not even thank her for it and definitely wont speak good of her.

Oh and I forgot to add, if I do tell nan to 'butt out' it normally backfires on me really. I mean there have been times when i'd say 'nan im 26yrs old, stop worrying' and then a few days later if I need help with something she says 'well, you are 26'

Snail,

You're probably right about her behaviour coming from her past or something. I know that her mum wasnt always that great towards her but I always thought that would make her nicer to people rather than the opposite. I do love my nan, I just wish she didnt do all this to me.
I remember even in my school days when people would ask me what I wanted to do and I said be a pilot, she always said to them that I was setting my sights too high and wouldnt achieve it. As I started to grow I often heard other friends grandparents saying how proud they were of their grandchildren and I think thats when it dawned on me my nan wasnt the same to me as other grandparents were with their grandchildren. She didnt really urge me to go on and make my dreams happen, she just wanted me to become an average person and not really try and exceed where I came from. Although when I did start flying she was happy to hear about it and enjoyed that but I dont know how she really felt. I guess in all honesty she probably did feel I wouldnt make it, but perhaps she was pleased I was trying?

She found out while shes been away that me and Emma broke up so I know when she gets home shes gonna mention it. I really dont want to talk to her about it because she doesnt help. I havent spoken to her about anything bothering me since I was about 15. Once I told her I was stressed and she said 'you're 15, what have you got to be stressed about?' Since then i've never talked to her about anything getting me down and she gets abit annoyed sometimes saying that I never tell her anything.
I dont really want to talk to her about me and Emma breaking up because I know that she will ask alot about it and keep on. She will also most likely tell others the reason why she 'thinks' Emma finished things.

I dunno about my dad. I mean we get on fine and when I go to see him im very relaxed and dont have to worry so much. Its ashame mum broke up with him but they argued alot and that wouldnt of been good for me. I would of liked to of seen him more when I was growing up, but I suppose in a way I was lucky that my grandad was a great man and im glad I grew up with him because we really bonded. I suppose the one thing that used to get to me, but no longer does, is that my dad has so many photos of my sister up in his house and only a few of me. It used to get to me, but having said that he did spend alot more time with her and so they bonded much better. I do have to say though that me and dad get on fine and when im at his I do have a nice time. He often takes me to visit my family on his side which is always fun because they all have their own nicknames for me, funny ones because of how politely I speak, so rather than call me by my name they call me something i've said, like 'so, Thankyou kindly, do you want a cup of tea?' which just makes me laugh really as I like being noticed for being polite and kind. My dads mother died a year and a half ago. She was a lovely woman and I miss her. She used to talk to me alot when I went to see her and once slipped up that mum had a miscarriage a year before I was born, apparently it was a girl. I never did tell her I didnt know about that because I think she would of felt so guilty airing something I didnt know about.

I suppose in reality I havent really given thought about being angry with my parents. I mean i've always been really close with my mum and she is generally great towards me. I think shes just fedup with my nans attitude and tends to shut off from her. When nans away me and mum tend to be happier - like on the weekend my mum went to a friends and didnt get home until 12:45am which she wouldnt do with my nan home as she would of phoned her multiple times. A few years ago my nan was abit annoyed at me for something, I cant remember what it was and my mum said 'let him do what he wants, hes old enough' and nan said 'well I dont want my son to do...' and mum said 'er, hes my son' If im honest, my mum is quite laid back with me, like, she doesnt try and hinder me in anyway and since ive been so heart broken about me and Emma splitting my mum has offered to pay for me to do a course with the open uni to help keep my mind occupied. She does care for me alot and we are always close. I dont really feel any anger towards her, I suppose really though I havent been one to open up too much about my feelings with my family, although I do talk to my mum alot about stuff getting to me thats family related.

I think my mum was at work when nan said she wanted to stab me. When she got home nan mentioned it to her but mum just looked at her in disgust. I must addmit when nan did threaten to stab me I did feel quite shocked at first but I guess that I just figured that me and my girlfriend had planned to live together next year anyway and so wouldnt have to put up with all this much longer, and then just a few hours later Emma left me and thats when everything really came crashing down around me because I just felt like everything was going wrong all at once and my hopes and dreams were smashed to pieces. I got a message from a friend today that summed up how things were for me when me and Emma was together. My friend said 'I had never seen you so happy when you two was together, I actually thought everything was coming together for you finally as you deserve to be happy' Its true, me and Emma spent so much time together and we seemed to be going places and then out of the blue all our plans came crashing down and even right now it is a huge slap in the face. I thought we would really end up in our own place with a great future. I still dont really know why she left, for some reason I feel it relates to her past. I dunno. Lately shes been spending alot of time with a male friend of hers and she says hes just a friend.. I dunno.. a friend of mine said she probably has gone to him for support as she cant really get it from me currently. Maybe, I dunno. Im just so used to being the one to make it all better for her, and having her tell me im amazing. She always said I had shown her love at a time when she believed no one would love her, and said i'd given her everything she wanted and that one day she would marry me. I always put her first, even through this break up, I find myself trying to make it all easy on her as I do want her to be happy, I really really do. One day she will have a new partner and it will kill me inside, but if she is happy then that is great because she deserves it.

I do want to move out, I plan to. It was just so much easier when it was me and Emma planning it. Instead its just me now. Financially thats going to be hard. I hope it comes off for me, I will just have to save for a while. You're right, my nan isnt going to like it one bit and she will really try to put me off doing it.
This I guess is just another reason to give up flying really. I have sacrificed alot of my happiness over the years and stayed at home to fund the flying. £70,000 doesnt grow on trees and I guess now im getting older I need to move out just so I can be me. When I chose police officer as my choice to go for, I didnt just pull it out of the air. I just want to enforce the law and serve and protect the public. I have casually mentioned it to my mum and she hasnt said she doesnt like it, but she does seem abit edgy and I know thats because she'd worry about me. Emma said she'd worry but would support me in anything I did, and that meant everything to me, but of course that was when we was together. I feel really lost without her. My nan will hate the idea and literally lose sleep over it.

I really just want to be me and for things to go right, really. I mean, I dont want to have someone constantly telling me I cant do this or that. It does knock my confidence and my trust in general too. I just want a partner to stick around too and I really thought Emma was the one.

[Skarlet]

Hey captain,

In your search to be a police officer have you thought about applying to be a PCSO? Or volunteering with the police? It will get you exposure to the police make sure it is the right job for you and boost your chances when you are ready to apply. http://www.met.police.uk/careers/volunteers/

When you are looking to move out, what are you planning to do, a houseshare or on your own?

Skarlet

[captainf]

Thankyou very much for the link! Thats for the met in London but ideally i'd prefer Thames Valley as they serve Milton Keynes which is where I live. I think that they offer the same kind of role though and I will look into it and apply if they are having an intake. I appreciate the fact that you took the time to post that link.

Regarding to moving out. I guess I cant say. I thought i'd probably save up for a year or something. I mean I suppose I havent really thought about it properly since Emma left as obviously we had planned to live together but without her and since our break up my mind has been all over the place. Problempages has been my only source of comfort because my friends have been about as useful as a jumbojet with no engines because they havent replied to any of my texts and yet seem to believe im on hand at will to give them advice. I think that if I think about it properly, i'd prefer my own place, but ideally i'd need to share with someone to cover costs effectively.

[Skarlet]

I am glad it was helpful, I remembered you mentioned London, which is why I chose that one.

Houseshares would be no worse then where you are now, I share the kitchen and bathroom and that's kind of it. It's worth considering.

I know it will get easier with time, it might be worth blocking Emma from your fb, it makes it easier to move on when it is still raw.

Skarlet

[captainf]

Thanks very much Yep, I grew up in West London and my dad still lives there.

I guess houseshares are an option. I think that the thing that gets to me is that I dont want to end up with people I cant stand or get on with, if that makes any sense? Do you get on well with the people you live with?

I dont know if I could block her. I mean, I would still like to be there for her as a friend, but thats ultimately up to her.

My nan comes home tomorrow, im really not looking forward to it.

[Skarlet]

I had issues with my first, but it was due to my housemate liking me romantically. Am moving into a new one tomorrow. I think as long as you spend time looking for the right one it can work.

[captainf]

That must of been hard going! Although good luck with moving into a new one tomorrow! I hope that it goes well.

I just need to save up first. I guess I feel the next year means big changes. I suppose I feel abit nervous about it all, but hopefully I can establish myself well over the next year so I can just be me.

I hope my nan is ok with me when she gets back. I guess i'll have to wait and see but I am just tired of how she is with me in general I guess. Sometimes she is good with me, but its just the lack of confidence in me and things that drag me down.

[rufio89]

I'd really recommened a houseshare captain.

I've lived in a few, and I've had good experiences and I've had bad, but even at the worst, I was still happier than being at home, especially as I was close by enough to visit.


I really did not get on with my parents when I lived at home, they're not bad people, but they are very difficult people to live with. I never thought I could build a relationship with my parents like I have done, and I wouldnt sacrifice it for anything.


I went through this website called easyroommate. I dont know the link, but if you google it, it'll come up.
You can search by age, gender, interests etc, and you can meet the people and see how you get on etc. I'd say it's worth at least joining up and seeing what's available.

[captainf]

Thanks to everyone who has replied here.
I suppose I should update you all on how things are going. I've spent alot of time contacting different companies around the airfield I fly from. One of the bigger companies took my cv and asked if I wanted full time or part time employment. I said either but I havent heard back from them yet. Hopefully though they will have something for me soon.
A friend of mine is an air traffic controller there too and he told me that someone in operations is up for retirement soon so I will try my luck with ops when the time comes.
As for the police - theres no intake yet and so its a waiting game.

Things with nan have been okay. She got back from Cornwall and was okay. We have been getting on okay lately and this normally is the case when we have ample time apart which is good really. She is going down to her sisters in Southall tomorrow for a week or two.

I'm feeling more positive now and I think that i've accepted that my previous relationship is over. I did all I could to be friends with my ex but I accept she was the one who ruined everything at her own discretion. Although i'm sad about it, I accept there is nothing I can do apart from lookforward.

[snail]

I'm glad you're feeling more positive. These things are a journey; nothing gets fixed overnight, but you can keep moving forward.

[captainf]

You're quite right Things seem settled at the moment, thankfully