Too much of a friend

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Too much of a friend

Postby Prettylady » Mon Oct 31, 2011 2:37 pm

I live in London on a boat and every morning a female friend aged 35 calls to drink coffee with my husband whilst waiting for her train, whether I am present or not. She is loud and noisy and adores my husband because she says he reminds her of her uncle. She knows I hate her to do this but still does it and my husband cannot see the problem I have. At night it's the same thing, she gets off her train and is on our boat for more coffee. My evenings are stressed as I cannot watch TV or do anything because she is there. How can I stop this happening ? :(
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby dragon_rider » Tue Nov 01, 2011 11:08 am

I know how you feel! When I was at university, my (now ex) boyfriend was at another one about 45 minutes drive away and I would spend most weekends at his. He lived in halls for the first year, and there was a girl down the hall who would spend time with him... I was never happy with this, because I suspected her of trying to steal my boyfriend, but anyway, she would come in while I was there, sometimes while we were still in bed, and ask him to join her in the kitchen for a drink, or breakfast. She would stick her head round the door a couple of times during the day to say she was making coffee, or whatever, did he want some? That sort of thing. She didn't exactly ignore me, but it was clear that this was a regular thing. He didn't see what the problem was either.

If she comes round at the same time every week, can you suggest to your husband that perhaps you go out at that time. Try not to make it sound like you're trying to get him away from her, just suggest something like let's go out for breakfast (Toby Carvery have a special deal on their fried breakfasts at the moment) and take him somewhere, or suggest some kind of morning activity like running, or going for a nice walk while it's still quiet, or even get a dog so you have to take it out! (That might be a tad extreme though!).

I assume that you have to go to work too, so perhaps one morning, ask him to walk you there, or to the bus stop, or something, to get him out of the boat away from her. You might not be able to do it every morning but a couple of times a week might work.

In the evenings, do the same kind of things. Suggest meeting after work, carefully avoiding being near the boat around the times she calls by. You could go for coffee the two of you, or out for dinner. Get some friends in on it and suggest a group outing to the pub now and again - Fridays are good!

If none of this is possible, then the only thing I can suggest is that you talk to your husband and tell him that you know that he doesn't understand, but that you find it a little bit rude that this woman comes into your home twice a day, every day and that maybe you are being silly (always best to make it sound like you know that he is going to think you're a bit daft, it makes them think you're sweet. Well, it works for me!), but that you find it a little bit too much and could he ask her if she is going to drop in on the morning that she doesn't in the afternoon, or vice versa or that she only comes in once or twice a week rather than every day.

I do think that it is a little rude that she comes by your boat every day, and that you aren't allowed to say anything. Sometimes, even if we really like the person, we like to have our own space. You and your husband live in that boat, not her, and she should respect that, and your husband should respect your feelings on the matter.

Alternatively, you could always get yourself and your husband into a, ahem, "compromising position" when she arrives, she might be so embarrassed that she doesn't come back!
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby Prettylady » Sat Nov 05, 2011 5:42 pm

Sorry for the delay but it's difficult for me to use the pc unattended. The problem is that her other half has done some free work for us and we owe him a favour. This means it is difficult for me to say something because he has been very good to us. She is obviously using this. The other day she pretended she could not squeeze by on the boat and put her arms around my husband's waist and squeezed him. I have asked my husband to tell her he would not be there because he was walking the dog but he refuses b ecause he says he is doing nothing wrong. It bothers me she is on her own with him and he says he will not stop seeing her as there is nothing goiing on....
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby snail » Sat Nov 05, 2011 9:01 pm

You have to explain clearly to him that, regardless of whether anything is 'going on', you find this situation upsetting, stressful, and disrespectful to you, and you need it to change. If he values your marriage I would expect him to do something about it.
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby Prettylady » Sun Nov 06, 2011 5:16 pm

I have told my husband this situation is going to lead me to fall ill as it is the only thing I can think about. I feel she is aware of the fact I do not like her to be on her own with him. She often comes onto the boat and greets him but ignores me. I have had yet another row with my husband and asked him to tell her he is walking the dog when she comes and so she would not be able to come any more, but he refuses. But there is one step forward.... he has told me to tell her I would rather her not come here when I am not present but this of course will lead to a big problem and we will probably stop talking and lose a friendship we have with her husband. She is nosy and wants to know every thing about what I do and think. I have come to hate her and think the only way round it is to confront her and tell her not to call in my absence.....
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby ILoveChristmas » Tue Nov 08, 2011 12:35 pm

It's an unfortunate stance that your husband is taking, and extremely misguided. I feel that your husband has some kind of fascination or infatuation with this woman and that's at least partly why he refuses to do anything about the situation.

I wasn't previously aware that she is married herself. Do you know how her own husband feels about the situation? You said that you and your husband are friends with him, so the opportunity is there for you to go and see him privately (without her or your own husband present) and discuss the situation with him. It may be that he is feeling similarly to you, or it could be that he has no idea that you're upset at the situation. Either way, it's possible that he'll agree to raise the subject with his wife and suggest that she comes round less often.

If that fails or you feel like it's not an option then there's nothing else for it; you're going to have to talk to her yourself. If that need does arise I wouldn't do it in your own boat or hers, i'd ask her to walk with you. While you're on neutral ground you can raise the subject. She'll either dismiss you or she'll tell you that she didn't know it was an issue and agree to revise her behaviour.

Unfortunately I think your husband's weak behaviour will be harder to put right. He is effectively holding her feelings in higher regard than your own by copping out of speaking to her himself; he doesn't want to be the one to offend her. Sadly I don't think what he's said is a step forward, I think it's him calling your bluff.
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby Prettylady » Wed Nov 09, 2011 9:27 am

Thanks to all of you for your support.

She works locally and so has coffee and buiscuits before work, rather than spend money in one of the many coffee shops round here. She arrives at 8:10 and leaves around 8:50 every morning. Sometimes I am there and she makes an effort but basically I do not like her to be on her own on my boat with my husband. What I found shocking was that two weeks ago she pretended she could not get through and squeezed herself so tight - then embraced my husband's waist and squeezed him harder .... My husband says I am losing the plot and nothing is going on but I do know this is not right.

yes we are both friends with her husband who does not suspect anything and would probably think I am losing it too. The husband has done work for us on a free of charge basis and so with this in mind, it is difficult to put things right as it could cause him to stop.
They were there again last night as we were watching TV which we then have to switch off. They have no manners but eventually left after 1 hour and a half when they eventually noticed the dinner was cooking. If the situation was left to me, I would not mind losing her husband's friendship but at least I would get rid of her! The other day, she squeezed herself on the boat, ignoring I was there and said to my husband that he was welcome to where she lives, knowing fully well that I hate to go down there. She knows I would say no but tried it on him. I hate her!
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Nov 11, 2011 5:22 pm

Your husband could be stupid and not realise her game or he wants to pretend it isn't like that because he just doesn't want to lose the friendship.

Either way I agree that he is being disrespectful and this needs sorting.

It's actually irrelevant if she does have eyes for your husband she is still being intrusive and your husband should understand that.
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby Prettylady » Sat Nov 12, 2011 6:18 pm

I have asked him again not to see her in the mornings and to tell her he is walking our dog at that time but he will not have it. Sometimes her husband calls too. They were here again yesterday and she came for a drink. My husband said I was rude because I did not greet her but she should have said hello first. It seems she can do nothing wrong :(
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Nov 14, 2011 12:51 pm

Perhaps you should casually say in front of your husband and hers that the regaulary visits but they are becoming a bit frequent and you aren't getting enough time on your own (do an exagerated wink as if to pretend you want to be more intimate) and does she think she could cut it down to twice a week. You could add as it's winter you might want a bit more snuggle in bed before work. If her husband is there and she doesn't get the hint I am sure he will. Your husband is unlikely to make an big deal in front of the husband and if you make it light hearted you can't be accused of being rude.
Your husband sounds very defensive. TALK TO HIM ABOUT COMPROMISE, AFTER ALL IT'S YOUR HOME TOO.
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby Prettylady » Mon Nov 14, 2011 2:18 pm

ILoveChristmas and BelBel, I constantly come back to your posts and think you are both right in your comments.

It seems neither her nor her husband understand that I want a bit of time and privacy with my husband - and my husband does not seem to care about my needs or wishes.

The situation is :-

1. She (and sometimes her husband) call in the morning for coffee (whether I am there or not). I can deal with this when he is there.2. Her husband calls at 4pm and stays until she finished work and they both leave around 6:30pm. I am starting to find it hard to deal with as I have to switch my TV off to accommodate them both with my presence and drinks.

I am gathering strength in order to talk to her and ask that she does not call when I am not there and can see that this definitely WILL cause problems. She does not deal with me, only my husband and I know she criticises me when I am absent. He has told me......... So naturally she feels strong as she has his full support !

The situation is driving me mad and I know that the time will soon come when I speak out ... Thanks for your good advice.
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby Prettylady » Tue Nov 15, 2011 9:09 am

Well I caused yet another row with my husband last night. I told him again that the situation had to change and I told him how annoyed I was at their constant visiting morning and evenings. The situation got out of hand when he told me "her" husband had already picked up that I did not always want them here. I said it is a shame he had not picked up that maybe they were visiting too often (her with him or her alone). So I stormed out and went for a drink. When I came back an hour later, we did not speak and I said that I think I want a divorce. I drafted a text to her asking she does not call when I am not there but did not send it. My husband obviously puts his friends before me so maybe that is what he wants. I know my husband now hates me because I am interfering with his friends. He had a go at me because I have no friends. He obviously does not understand the situation or prefers not to damage his relationship with them.
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Nov 15, 2011 2:10 pm

It's almost a bit late to say this now but there is no point confronting your husband. He has made clear his feelings.

I wonder now after this latest incident if it would be best to approach the husband. Calmly explain that you feel they come round too often for your liking, not because you don't like them but you wnat more quality time alone with your husband. How can anyone take offence to that. Be honst and say you have a little jealousy about his closeness with his wife and am a bit upse t that your husband takes her side.
I think he will see the sense in the situation and hopefully persuade his wife it's the right thing to do to back off.

Do you really wnat a divorce, I don't think you do. Why not suggest you get some mediation form a counsellor to help get things back on track and get a totsally impartial point of view. If he isn't willing then I think it's a bad sign about the depth of which he is showing commitment to you.
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby snail » Tue Nov 15, 2011 2:25 pm

I'm actually quite glad you said you want a divorce - not that I hope you get one, but rather that he really needs to know how serious this is. You are supposed to be the most important person in the world to him, and although he obviously has to be practical, your feelings should come before these people's. I think it's wise not to send that text; this isn't really about your 'friend' but more about your husband's behaviour towards you.
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby Prettylady » Fri Nov 18, 2011 10:36 pm

Well the situation has changed again. Since her husband now has a job in the area, he now too comes on the boat every morning which is a better situation but I am still not happy they both come every night from 4:30 to 6:30. Ruining my evenings and invading my space. So I have got rid of one problem but have another one. She had to talk to my husband today shouting across the towpath wanting to know where he was yesterday! I am pleased she is no longer on her own (what I was told) but now have the added problem of their persistent visits at nights. I can see my anger growing and will not be able to keep my cool.
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