Too much of a friend

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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby snail » Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:38 pm

Could you tell them directly that you are not getting enough time alone, and ask (politely) if they could not come every day?
How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.

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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby Prettylady » Sun Nov 20, 2011 11:18 pm

Yes I will have to do that in a very polite way. I will also have to ensure that she is accompanied by her husband. If I find out she is alone I will ask her to stop coming. After all, I just want to enjoy tonne with my husband without the great of this woman taking over mmmmmh life.
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby Prettylady » Sun Nov 20, 2011 11:20 pm

Sorry for typos, typing on my mobile ... Meant to type ... Without the threat ...
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby Jo » Mon Nov 21, 2011 10:39 am

Wow, I have to say that I'm a bit gob-smacked by all this. These people are being rude, inconsiderate and intrusive - this is not how friends behave. These people are taking advantage of your hospitality. I can't believe that your husband doesn't agree.

I'd find these frequent visits unbearable and I'd have to say something, I'd find it impossible not to say something, but I wonder if the waters have been muddied a little by the slight emphasis on you being jealous; i.e. you'd be happier if she wasn't alone with your husband, which makes you seem insecure, your husband feel wrongly accused, and takes the emphasis away from her/their behaviour.

You are perfectly within your rights to say that you're finding the frequency of their visits too much. Forget the part about her being on her own with your husband, that's not the issue - the issue is that they are invading your home and you have every right to make your feelings plain in an assertive way.

I'd try to have another talk with your husband but keep the jealousy issue right out of it because you don't want him to feel as though you don't trust him - you want him to feel as though you're both on the same team. Ask him if he finds their frequent visits a bit too much. If he says no then tell him calmly that you find them very intrusive and disruptive and you'd like to limit the visits - try to bring him in to the process of reducing their visits. There are various compromises that you could come to, i.e. limiting how many times they visit or suggesting that they meet up elsewhere. Try to be persistent without being emotional (easier said than done I know!). I think Snail is right - you're just going to have to be honest and up-front with them.

These links may or may not be helpful!
http://www.businessballs.com/self-confi ... veness.htm
http://www.bupa.co.uk/individuals/healt ... ertiveness
http://ezinearticles.com/?Assertive-Com ... e&id=10259
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby Prettylady » Mon Nov 21, 2011 2:33 pm

Hi Jo, thanks for your kind response.

We have had such a nice quiet week end, just the two of us although her husband has tried to call mine. When I saw his number on the display, I cut him off. he did not call back and hopefully he will understand that we (I) do not want them there every second of the day.
Living on a boat is difficult and the little space I enjoy can soon get overwhelmed by two additional people. I have tried again to talk to my husband to explain that apart from her being on her own with him (this seems to have now stopped) I still find it oppressive to have them aboart several times a week (at least 6 days a week!). My husband does not understand this - that is the reason why is is loved and everyone wants him as a friend, because he is so kind. Tonight, if they call again I will take my coat and go out until 7pm so that at least I do not have to put up with them. But this means they will have the upper hand. God! this situation is driving me mad! Thanks to all for your help :)
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby Jo » Tue Nov 22, 2011 1:33 pm

Hi again

I really do feel for you. I know you say he's kind but he's not being very kind to you is he? Even if he doesn't understand your feelings he should still be willing to take them in to account, he should be concerned about what you're saying, he should be willing to come to a compromise - he's not being kind, he's being shockingly inconsiderate and selfish; for me this would be a very, very big problem.
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Re: Too much of a friend

Postby Prettylady » Tue Nov 22, 2011 2:12 pm

Hello again Jo and thanks for your message.

Fortunately, they did not call last night and I can only assume my hubby must have had a word with them, or maybe they have discovered they have other things to do like visit their own family and shopping. But they were not there. However my hubby said that when they came in the morning, they had made comments on our new furniture, saying they liked it .... He looked at me for a response but of course, I ignored him. I thought I do not want to discuss this matter and who are they to pass comments on my own living area! grrrr! ](*,) If they didn't like the furniture, would they want us to change it!?

Strangely enough, my own daughter is experiencing pretty much the same situation with her own family, as her in laws call to the house and let themselves in (they have their own key!) - and giving her lectures on how to do things. I told this to my hubby last night and said how odd it was that we both had to face unwanted visitors.

So today when I return home, I expect them to keep away again and only visit in the morning when I am not there.
Thanks again Jo, you perk me up :)
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