bi curious bf

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bi curious bf

Postby LJG1992 » Fri Jul 20, 2012 10:55 pm

hi i recently found out my bf has been on websites for gay/bisexuals but i don't know how to confront him on the subject i need to find out what has been going on and understand whether he wants to be with me or whether he needs to be single to experiment with these feelings as i don't want to be cheated on. The problem is he has a homophobic family and many friends who make nasty gay jokes (is like a classic group of "lads" that he mixes with). So when i confront him I'm worried it'll cause a huge backlash for these reasons like maybe he thinks I'll joke about it or tell people plus he can be quite aggressive and being straight and always knowing this i don't really understand how bi-curiosity works, in terms of feelings or how relationships work :/ any advice on how i could bring up the subject or even about bi-curiosity in general would be much appreciated :)
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Re: bi curious bf

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Jul 23, 2012 3:49 pm

If he is very sensitive to it there is no good way to bring it up really expect be calm explain you will never tell anyone but would like him to end the realtionship if he doesn't really want to be with you.

The problem is he may be one of those guys who has a girlfriend so he can pretend to everyone he is straight if that's the case and he isn't ready to tell anyone he may well deny it or make up a cover story for why. This is not going to get you to the truth and you may waste many years with someone who ultimately doesn't want to be with you.

I would have achat, see how he reacts and go from there but if you think it's likely he is gay then you should leave.
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Re: bi curious bf

Postby Happyandhopeful » Sun Aug 05, 2012 4:01 pm

Hi LJG1992 I was wondering if you managed to speak to your boyfriend. I had the same issues with my husband, but he has never given me an honest answer, always I don't know why the computer history is showing those sites or I have too much time on my hands, it won't happen again. But it always did. After 22 years of being together and this coming up on a few occasions I decided I couldn't take anymore, but it led to me having an affair before finally leaving him. My self esteem was at rock bottom. It is early days for you, don't waste your life and happiness if you cannot deal with it happening again and again.
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Re: bi curious bf

Postby LJG1992 » Tue Sep 11, 2012 9:35 pm

No I haven't, we have a young baby and its all been a bit of a rollercoaster the last few months the problem is i feel trapped to an extent due to this everyone in both our families are so happy for us, he's just got himself a new job and everything is going so well except I can't get the thought of this out of my head, everything down to when he's sat on his laptop to knowing he has a phone with internet just plays on my mind constantly but I'm scared to confront him as he can be quite aggresive and I dunno how I would cope emotionally an finically if it was just me and my daughter plus I would never deny his parents access to their granchild but I don't kno if I would feel at all comfortable with him having access to her after this I know it sounds silly but it seems like I would feel selfish for putting my own needs before those of my daughter she needs stability both finacially and emotionally from having her family around her I just duno what I can do or how to come out with it I've tried several times but I can't get the words out it makes me feel sick
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Re: bi curious bf

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Sep 12, 2012 2:55 pm

You shouldn't stay in a relationship because it will upset other people. This is your life too.

Have you suggested counselling at least you may be able to break up amicably with help or get to the bottom of the problem.

I am also concerned that you feel you cannot talk to your partner because he is aggressive. Do you really want your daughter to grow up in an evironment like this. She too will become scared to air her views and grow up thinking this is normal.

Financially go to citizens advice to see your options for your circumstances. He will be required to pay you maintenance and you could insist on a contact centre for visits as you are scared of his aggressive behaviour. You will also be entitled to benefits as a lone parent. You may have to go into emergency housing until you are offered a property but this is never usually more than 6 months and would be worth it for you peace of mind.

The other drastic option is to ask him to take a lie detector? His reaction alone may give you clues. If he is dead against it he must have something to hide or he would gladly do it to put your mind at rest. However I suspect from what you have said you would be too scared to ask him.
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Re: bi curious bf

Postby Happyandhopeful » Thu Sep 13, 2012 10:45 pm

I really feel for you and I'm sorry you are going through this, I know exactly how you feel. I found out about this the first time when I had been with my husband for about 7 years, this was around the time that I got pregnant with my first child. I dismissed it for years and thought things would be ok, but like you I was scared to talk to him about it as he can get quite aggressive,more verbally than physically. And here I am now 15 years later.

Part of me wishes I had dealt with all this sooner, but like you there are lots of worries as you want your child to be brought up in a family unit and the financial worries. Like you I put everyone else's needs first.

I agree with Bel Bel you must live your life and my boys are scared to even ask their dad anything in case he gets angry, not good :o

If I can help at all feel free to send me a pm.
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Re: bi curious bf

Postby retrochav » Wed Sep 25, 2013 11:01 pm

If there is any physical threat to you or the children then you must find the strength to walk. No one should put up with that, you deserve better and most importantly your children do.

He may have looked at a gay site for many reasons. It could have been in error, could have been with a view to gay bash someone, or it could be a curiosity. It doesn't necessarily mean he will act upon it, I have straight male friends who occasionally look at gay porn for something different, and on occasion possibly for the sense of dominance - male prisoners often enforce control through sex. So it may not mean what what it first seemed. If I have learnt anything about sexuality, it's that people often day dream about something they would never want to do.

You could tell him about a situation in a magazine article you 'read'. Woman found gay porn on her husbands laptop. See what he thinks, tell him how you felt about the 'article' and what you would have hoped for if you were with her husband.

As I said at the beginning, living in fear is a big no no. There are provisions in the welfare system for people who suffer domestic violence, and housing and support is available, so don't remain out of any sense of fear or duty.
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