Why is female sexuality still sneered at?

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Why is female sexuality still sneered at?

Postby tarquina » Mon Dec 03, 2012 10:09 pm

I've been trying to puzzle this out for ages ...

Why is is still considered dirty for a woman to enjoy sex, for it's own sake, and for her own pleasure?

It is clear from the name-calling and comments constantly being made, that women are still expected to have and enjoy sex only as part of a relationship in which the man she is having sex with loves her and is committed to her.

A few weeks ago I read an article that pointed out that for each lover a woman has had, her perceived value goes down. The writer was a woman herself and she said she could not help feeling like this even though she tried not to!

I read an article online last week in which a woman described the "slut-shaming" that goes on. Slut shaming is calling a woman a slut because she has taken control of her own sexuality and goes and get the sex SHE wants, for herself. The name calling is meant to "shame" her into conforming to the outdated, outmoded way of thinking -- that sex is something she "gives" a man.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slut-shaming

Here is an article by a man:

http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2012/03/m ... e-complex/

I have seen this attitude on this board and on many other discussion boards, even feminist ones, mumsnet, Femail forums, facebook discussion groups. And before the internet I heard it talked about in the workplace, in pubs and parties etc. I can't believe that nothing has changed in the past 40 years since I was a teenager. What about women's lib?

The thing that disturbs me the most is the way that women (rather than men) cannot ever accept that sex itself can be an exchange between a man and a woman. What I mean is, if a man and a woman have sex, she is seen as "giving" him something, he is one-up on her, so to speak. He owes her and he has to pay. But the repayment cannot be the sex she gets in return - sexual pleasure for the woman is NOT seen as a fair reward for the sexual pleasure she gives to him. Even if she has ten times the pleasure, ten times as many orgasms, she is the loser and he is the winner. Therefore, the belief goes, he has to give her "something" other than sex in order for the relationship to appear to be "fair". For example, he has to give her a night out, expensive meals or gifts, love, financial support, a relationship, a marriage, living together etc. If the man does not, if he gives only sex in return for sex, he is labelled "using" the woman. And yet, strangely, she is never seen as "using" him.

I have never held this view myself, not even 40 years ago. I was wondering if there just happened to be one other woman on here who thinks women can have sex without getting something in return and not be considered dirty or cheap.

TQ
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Re: Why is female sexuality still sneered at?

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Dec 04, 2012 2:22 pm

Personally I don't want a man who has had sex with loads of woman.
Everyone is different but to me it's about enhancing a loving relationship not just to be had for the sake of it but if that's your thing I have no problem with it it's just not for me.
My husband has had less partners than me and he doesn't have an issue with it. He see's casual sex as dirty. If he ever did engage in it he wouldn't then want that person to be his partner.
I can see that casual sex maybe less inhibting as you don't carry any feelings for the other person but in the smae way that can mean it can also be selfish.
I also think that STD's are definately something that has put me off any casual encounters. After all you don't know unitl after the job is done whether it is any good and by then you may already have caught something, not worth it if it wasn't at least mind blowing.
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Re: Why is female sexuality still sneered at?

Postby tarquina » Tue Dec 04, 2012 2:50 pm

Bel Bel wrote:Personally I don't want a man who has had sex with loads of woman.
Everyone is different but to me it's about enhancing a loving relationship not just to be had for the sake of it but if that's your thing I have no problem with it it's just not for me.
My husband has had less partners than me and he doesn't have an issue with it. He see's casual sex as dirty. If he ever did engage in it he wouldn't then want that person to be his partner.
I can see that casual sex maybe less inhibting as you don't carry any feelings for the other person but in the smae way that can mean it can also be selfish.
I also think that STD's are definately something that has put me off any casual encounters. After all you don't know unitl after the job is done whether it is any good and by then you may already have caught something, not worth it if it wasn't at least mind blowing.


Hi Bel

I am glad you replied because you are clearly, both of you, the type of people who are the subject of my thread.

What I want to know is -- leaving STDs out of the equation and dealing only with the moral issue. WHY do you continue to believe that sex outside of a long term love relationship is dirty? And WHY does your husband think that if a woman has had sex outside of such a relationship she is so sullied by it that he would not want her to be his partner? This is what I cannot make head or tail of. What lasting effects does he think it has on a woman physically or otherwise if she enjoyed a bit of sex years before she met him? I truly want to understand this.
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Re: Why is female sexuality still sneered at?

Postby RagDoll » Tue Dec 04, 2012 4:08 pm

I think, for some people, and certainly for myself, people only want that kind of physical contact/intimacy with someone that they're also emotionally involved with/connected to. That can apply to both men and women (and obviously that's the case for Bel Bel's husband) so it is not just something that applies to women - that's a misconception.

Unfortunately I do agree that there a lot of people that still have outdated attitudes towards sex - whilst I would not want to partake in casual sex myself, I don't have any issue with other people doing it, so long as they're entirely honest about it.

The only other thing that struck me was when you were saying about why is it that the woman is 'giving herself' to the man. I think that we cannot ignore that physically, the very nature of men's and women's bodies makes it psychologically feel more as if the woman is 'giving herself' to the man.
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Re: Why is female sexuality still sneered at?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Dec 05, 2012 2:23 pm

I don't think it's dirty but it's not something I personally want to do. I would feel horrible afterwards and cheapened. Also the guy could end up stalking me, killing me etc. Maybe I just have an overactive imagination and maybe you are right and that is because of perception of how it should be but I just never felt comfortable at the thought of casual sex with a stranger.

I honestly think with some men it's about their male pride and their own insecurities that they don't want the woman to have more experience.

I think upbringing plays a massive part in why my husband thinks a girl who sleeps around casually is a bit dirty. He was always told sex was dirty. He knows as an adult that that isn't the case but I think when something has been drummed into you throughout your childhood it's hard to shake off. Then it gets reinforced by friends who say stuff to other friends like "Yuk why do you want sleep with that old Sl**"

I actually don't think my husband could or would engage in casual sex so I don't believe he has double standards but to answer your point about why would he see her as sullied if a girl sleep with him the first night; I think it's because he would think if she did it with me that quick she may do it with someone else on a whim behind my back. Not saying that's rational necessarily but just what he thinks.

At the end of the day we are all different but I agree what's good for the goose is good for the gander and therefore neither a man or woman should be a "sl**". We all make our personnal choices and as long as we aren't hurting anyone else what's the problem. Also all our previous life experiences make us who we are and the person that someone ultimately falls in love with.
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