Getting over Grief

For problems with parents, whatever your age...
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Getting over Grief

Post by Slingers » Thu Dec 20, 2012 5:03 pm

I'm 20 in August, and my Grandfather died when I was around 13/14. I still miss him though, and wish his death could have been different.

He was 82 in Jan 2007 when he was taken into a small local hospital with symptoms of a stroke. He had sagging of the face, and a slight weakness in one side. The Doctor suggested that he could either go home, or go into a bigger hospital for three days rest. He walked into Hull Royal Infirmary, but did not walk out again. He died in July 2007, heavily sedated and a lot worse than when he went in. In fact, only a day after he went into HRI in January, he fell a day later, breaking his femur. He subsequently was there for around three months and deteriorated badly, before in May transferring to a nursing home and could not walk. He was in a wheelchair from then on and died in July.

I was very close to my Grandfather and I do wish he had come home instead of going to the hospital that day, maybe he would be still here. In fact I wish I had gone with him to dissuade him from even going into the hospital and come home instead.

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Re: Getting over Grief

Post by Ticktock » Sun Dec 23, 2012 6:15 pm

Well you know already you are still grieving, which is more than a lot of people in your situation can recognise.

I remember after my previous partner dying and I was left with a very young baby, and I spent Christmas eve around midnight just wishing she could come back for a little while and tell me what she wanted for our child. It is magical thinking, and you are trapped in a similar thing. I should imagine when your grandfather died you didn't really have any say over what happened with him, now you are an adult you want to change the past, but it can't be done.

My mother died recently, and refused to stay in hospital, even to the stage where she went in with serious problems and discharged herself the next day. She died in her sleep in the front room three days later and I had to try and resuscitate her with my daughter present, not quite the gentle death we envisage for a home death but the sad reality.

You need to say something to someone who isn't there anymore, and after all this time you don't want to tell your family, so start with something simple. Write a letter to your grandfather, tell him how much you loved him and how you wish things had been different, tell him about what your life has been like since he went, and what has happened to everyone.

Then think carefully what you want to do in memory of your grandfather. I have arranged several little symbolic donations for those I lost in my life, with my mum I donated to renovate the rose garden where my dad's ashes are scattered, with my partner I arranged for her name to be engraved on a window at Gilwell Park (the centre of UK Scouting) as she was a well known leader.

Hopefully this gives you somewhere to start, I won't make the mistake of asking you to move on because I know better than anyone is that although your life moves on the person you are is permanently changed by these things, the trick is turning those memories into something positive rather than being trapped in constant impossible 'what if's'...

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Re: Getting over Grief

Post by retrochav » Wed Dec 26, 2012 12:31 pm

I lost my grandad in 2008, and I still miss him terribly. He chose not to go to hospital and so I nursed him at home, so from my perspective I spent a long time wishing I'd sent him to hospital. Fact is that whatever we do we can't prevent someone passing.

What helped me was to consider who the man was in life. You clearly loved him very much, so like my grandad, he must have been a really good man. If they had five minutes with us I am sure they would tell us that they knew we cared and that they feel awful seeing us sad over them passing. If it had been either of us, we wouldn't want our grandads in tears of sorrow.

What we can do is remember all the great qualities they had, and how lucky we were to have them in our lives. It can help to go to there resting place, either where buried or scattered and chat to them there. I go each month to grandads grave and wash the stone and lay flowers and generally give thanks for my time with him. A letter as mentioned in the last post is a great idea too.

Remember that there is no time limit to grief, but we can change the feeling from loss to joyous memmories with time. Guilt however has no place in the world of bereavement, as its the broad picture of love that counts, not the small "what ifs" that tend to plague us at times.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.

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