Need some advice

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Need some advice

Postby Annf13 » Fri Feb 08, 2013 12:43 am

I am in a lesbian relationship and have been with my partner for 8 years. I have 3 grown up children. My daughter is 28 years of age, she is married, both her and her husband have moderate learning disability. My daughter phones me every day. My partner has an issue with this and feels that we have no privacy. I just lost my mother suddenly in November, my daughter was close to her Gran. During this difficult time my partner is still making comments and going on about my daughter phoning. My daughter does not work and she has no real friends. When there is family occasions I pick my daughter and her husband up by car as they do not drive, my partner has an issue with this also. My partner thinks I am in the wrong and that I should say to my daughter not to phone every day and that I should not always pick them up.
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Re: Need some advice

Postby highlandcow » Fri Feb 08, 2013 7:56 pm

How do you feel Ann? Do you enjoy your daughter phoning, or do you find it an imposition?
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Re: Need some advice

Postby Annf13 » Fri Feb 08, 2013 9:56 pm

I don't feel it is that big an issue, I have said to her in the past that she doesn't need to phone so much but at the moment we are all going through a terrible loss and I feel that my partner should be more understanding!
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Re: Need some advice

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Feb 11, 2013 1:44 pm

If you don't feel it intrusive I would tell your partner to butt out.
I assume she phones once a day for a lenghty period. Let's assume 1 hour - well your partner still has many more hours a day with you than your daughter.
It sounds like your partner is a bit controlling and maybe jealous.
If the calls interfere with plans you could suggest a set time for the calls so you always know when it's coming and can plan round it.
Remind her that the caring part of you was part of who you were when she met you. If she does not like that perhaps she needs to move on.
As for giving lifts I really don't see the probelm. My daughter is not disabled and I often give her lifts to events. It makes no sense not to go altogether, why waste two lots of petrol. In your case your daughter doesn't even have a car. It would be mean spirited not to pick her up.
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Re: Need some advice

Postby Annf13 » Wed Feb 13, 2013 7:16 pm

Thanks, appreciate your advice.
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Re: Need some advice

Postby retrochav » Sat Feb 16, 2013 1:12 pm

Your partner met you knowing you had a family, and she must try to accept that a mother has a bond with her children no matter how old they are. Reassure her she is your partner and you love her, the love of her is equal but different to that of children.

Could your partner get more involved in family life so she doesn't feel so at odds with it? I was fortunate in that the children in my charge many years ago were young, so my boyfriend slipped into the role "dad" far more easily, and even when I gave them back to my aunt he was happy with them turning up at the drop of a hat. I realise your circumstances may have been so much more different to mine, but the fact remains your children are part of your life.

Your daughter is more vulnerable at the moment than she might otherwise have been. Having lost her gran, it's natural she fears losing mum too. Try and get your partner to see this. If she can't then you will have no option but to say. "Butt out"
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Re: Need some advice

Postby Annf13 » Sun Feb 17, 2013 3:04 am

Thank you for your response! I have tried to get her involved but she still remains distant to all my family. I have basically told her to butt out. I have also told her that I love her and that the love I have for my children is different from the love I feel for her. She still does not understand!
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Re: Need some advice

Postby retrochav » Tue Feb 19, 2013 10:10 pm

Given what you are saying it almost feels that you are looking for an affirmation to end the relationship. Obviously I could be reading this incorrectly, but having explored all options it seems to be where you are left thinking.

You may be considering that, and if that is the case you would be well advised to get some advice from the citizens advice bureau concerning your rights and responsibilities. If not, then perhaps Relate couple therapy (which you can attend alone if needs be) could help.

I couldn't imagine you wanting to distance yourself from your daughter, but if it is on your mind then maybe finding her bereavement counselling would ease her dependence upon you.

In conclusion, if your partner isn't prepared to change, then you may need to change how you respond and what actions you will take to ease the pressure you are under.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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