My friend and his mistake

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My friend and his mistake

Postby grantmacd1992 » Thu May 09, 2013 4:08 pm

Last weekend me and my friend decided to go back to his to watch sky and drink some more, no question at this point that I knew he was straight but every weekend before this he had been telling me he was bi, which I laughed off all the time because girls love him.
But once everyone was asleep, I was through in his kitchen thinking and he shouted me through, wanting to sleep, so we snuggled up on the couch which is what we usually do anyway.
Until I didn't realize he was naked under the covers, and starts feeling me up in which I told him no, he kept going until I finally gave in and this got quite far until we were nearly caught with someone coming downstairs.
After this he freaked out telling me he was straight.
Since this I've had abusive texts saying 'I'm a gay idiot' even though I didn't want it and he was the one really into it.
I've fallen out with many of my friends in that area now, and him who I considered my best friend from there, we're now not talking and I have no idea what I'm meant to do, we're going on holiday soon with a company and I don't want to be treated badly for doing nothing wrong.
It was him pushing the whole time for it, and I don't want to lose him as a friend but I don't know what I'm to say or do :S
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Re: My friend and his mistake

Postby snail » Fri May 10, 2013 11:49 am

Well, your friend is obviously sexually interested in boys as well as/instead of girls, but he's having huge problems accepting that about himself. So he's becoming very aggressive towards you as a way of not feeling responsible for it and being able to deny it all. It isn't your fault at all of course, but this is his problem he has with himself, so I'm not sure what you can do.

It actually might be better to avoid him for a while until he's come to terms with his sexuality more. I would guess that the more you confront him, the more aggressive he will become.
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Re: My friend and his mistake

Postby grantmacd1992 » Fri May 10, 2013 7:39 pm

That's the problem I don't think he is, this is just a one off, but he was totally into it and wanting it. We're pretty close, or we were before it all happened, told each other most things.
Sounds all about right being way too aggressive because he doesn't want to feel it was down to him or that he did it in the first place. a few people found out and he's denying it all, complaining I've made it up because I'm the one who's gay but even idiots can see that's a stupid thing to do, as I'd want to keep my friends if i were, so wouldn't make things up.
We're not talking now anyway and I'm going to give him until the start of June before texting him, if nothings changed, I'm not going to accept an apology when he does realize how silly he's been.
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Re: My friend and his mistake

Postby retrochav » Sun May 12, 2013 9:47 am

I've had this happen to me. Guys who are straight wanting to experience gay sex, guys who are unsure wanting to experiment, and guys in the closet wanting to explore. Then female friends who know I am gay professing to fall in love with me. It all gets a bit tiring as I've got older (that's not me being vain, it's just it's fairly common).

As he was a mate, I would suggest sending a note or text saying you are sad that he doesn't want to talk, that nothing actually happened as far as you can see ( it might be untrue but it calms things) and you hope it can be resolved.

There is a useful lesson here. Never have sex with a mate, as it rarely works. Better to say you are extremely flattered but you value friendship over relations.
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Re: My friend and his mistake

Postby grantmacd1992 » Mon May 13, 2013 12:06 am

I'm currently giving him the time to intake what he did, trying to leave him for a few weeks for him to realize he misses me and he should be the one apologizing.
My problem is I'm not gay either, everyone thinks I am but I'm not. I don't know what it was that night but it was just because it was him, and it's only him. I'd never have thought of him in that way.
If we end up going on this holiday, and he tries it again being drunk or angry that it happens, It'll be the same again, I'd actually let him which doesn't help at all.
We've not spoken in a week now and thankfully one person from that area stayed neutral and isn't getting involved, but everyone else is siding with him, saying it couldn't of happened, he's not like that.
I'm just confused, annoyed, but most of all I'm actually missing talking to him and having him round
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Re: My friend and his mistake

Postby retrochav » Mon May 13, 2013 6:31 pm

This leaves you both in a difficult position. Neither of you identify as being gay, and it would seem that neither identifies as being bisexual.

That in itself shouldn't have been a problem. Many straight and gay people have either fantasised about some same or opposite sex contact, or actually done so without any identity crisis. I myself have slept with two women, whilst still being predominately gay and identifying as such.

It appears that you see this situation as it is, two mates making sexual contact, whilst your friend seems to feel far more shocked and shamed by the experience.

I stand by my advice, resist his advances, unless you feel really sure he will keep things in perspective. If he is going to freak out when night meets day it would wreck the holiday. It's a great shame that exploring contact with someone of the same sex still means that labels get chucked about, but it is a reality and one that individuals themselves can struggle to cope with.
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Re: My friend and his mistake

Postby grantmacd1992 » Mon May 13, 2013 7:04 pm

hmm he's told me before when we were drunk that he was bisexual, but I just laughed it off because he didn't seem the type of person.
Then when he told me that night and started it all, I did believe him until he freaked out. I don't know what it is, I wouldn't consider myself bisexual, just because it was him that it happened, no one else would of made me feel like that.
I'm still going to give him a few more weeks, before texting and if it comes down to it, I won't be going on the holiday. I'd rather he was happy and enjoying his holiday than me being there and ruining it.
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Re: My friend and his mistake

Postby retrochav » Mon May 13, 2013 9:43 pm

There isn't a bisexual type of person. There isn't a gay type of person. There are just sexual urges and feelings.

My boyfriend is never believed to be gay. He looks stereotypically masculine, speaks with a deep voice, and does the traditionally macho pursuits of football playing, bricklaying etc. he has never found women attractive, and never slept with a woman. Conversely, although I'm affectionately known as the old school Chav, and look the part, my hobbies and career are on paper could look typically gay.

There is no obvious way of knowing someone's sexuality, because its something from within. Some guys are camp, usually in reaction to years in the closet, but most settle back to who they naturally are.

So your mate could be bisexual easily. If he chooses to holiday alone and not make it up with you, then he looses just as much as you. He looses someone he trusts, someone he cares for, and someone he felt safe enough to reach out to. It would be a loss to him as well.

If you really like him, swallow your pride and make contact. Someone has to reach out. If he rejects friendship then you'll have to accept it. If you don't even try you could spend a long time regretting.
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Re: My friend and his mistake

Postby grantmacd1992 » Mon May 13, 2013 10:01 pm

I wasn't meaning type like that, makes me sound like an ass haha
Yeh I'd definitely loose as much as him, but it's not about swallowing pride, he wants the space and told me not to try and text him.
Was just giving him the time to digest what went on, and hopes in the time I'll give him that he does miss me, and wants to talk to me.
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Re: My friend and his mistake

Postby retrochav » Mon May 13, 2013 10:17 pm

Lol, get what you mean, no probs.

Well given what you have stated, it seems you have chosen to give your mate space to work it all out. I hope he does put it behind him and continue the friendship. It seems you have a trusting bond.

One think I can't work out from your posts though. I'm reading it as though you nearly got caught, but didn't. Therefore I am puzzled how everyone in your circle seems to know about it. Did he go telling everyone his version of events, or was there an argument that everyone heard?

Please don't think me mosey ( well yeah I suppose I am lol) but I can't see how this all got out amongst your friends.
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Re: My friend and his mistake

Postby grantmacd1992 » Tue May 14, 2013 12:24 am

Yeh just chosen to give him the space, I hope he decides that as well haha I love the guy haha

Yeh we nearly got caught when someone came down the stairs and that's why he freaked out I think. We had some sort of argument, but I'm pretty good friends with his brother, and once we fell out he kept asking why. Ended up explaining all . . . but obviously he didn't think it was true and his brother then gave him the whole it never happened, hes saying it all because hes gay and jelly like that. Although hes seen my fb messages saying 'lets just say, nothing happened last night, lets start a new just be good mates etc so today is a new day' and texting me with rubbish saying 'I was chucked, if you mention any of this again, we're done'. This was all the day after it happened, so obviously it's a bit more than that now.
I had quite a few mates from that area, but down to one or something out of about the 10 I had, as most are listening to his covering up. Can't do a thing about it I suppose. Ha be as nosey as you want :L
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Re: My friend and his mistake

Postby retrochav » Tue May 14, 2013 7:58 pm

I think that could be part of your mates problem here too. If he makes up with you, he might fear people questioning why. I mean the way he has presented it is as though you came on to him and he was shocked and fought you off.

Imagine if you were having a party and dosed down with a mate who you had no sort of attraction or curiosity toward. He comes on to you and you are really shocked and angry. You decide to not tell anyone, but this guy tells your brother that you had tried it on. If all of that were the truth you probably wouldn't want to be friends again, and would feel violated and angry. If his version of events were true then it would be natural to feel that way.

This is the lie he has had to invent to cover his tracks. He has lied and said you tried it on, he tried to keep it quiet because he was embarrassed about it, but you let the true facts be known when confronted by his brother. He had to tell further lies.

He has created a really tangled web for himself. If he makes it up with you, it could look as though he was lying. He really should have laughed it off as a drunken mistake, that he grabbed you for a laugh and it all got a bit stupid from there. However he hasn't thought of that way out and he is now stuck.

I can't really see a safe way for him to resolve things. Understandably you aren't likely to pretend that it was all your doing, and that he has forgiven you. Equally it's hard to see him telling the truth about it. Possibly the best compromise would be if he said that you were both having a play fight, he grabbed you between the legs, being drunk you called him gay, he called you gay and a drunken argument happened.

What's more likely to happen is that either he waits for attention to die down from this and make it up with you, or you meet up secretly without the other friends knowing.

My own feeling about him is that he hasn't been a great friend to paint you as the bad guy to avoid any blame. Unless he is otherwise loyal and good to you, I would seriously wonder if he is that worthwhile a mate.
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Re: My friend and his mistake

Postby grantmacd1992 » Wed May 15, 2013 12:05 am

I actually agree with basically everything you said, if he does end up making up with me for no reason, it'll look as if he was lying and he doesn't want his friends or his brother to think that of him.
I did realize as soon as I done it that it was wrong to tell his brother, I was an idiot with that one for sure.
The problem was I was shocked, but in no way angry, I was stupid to let it get further once he started.
Actually if that's what it takes to have him back as my friend I'm fine with pretending it was all down to me or I made everything up, but he won't even talk to me so I can't discuss any of it.
No he's not been a great friend, even though he's meant to be my closest friend. Quite frankly he's been an utter dick haha Thankfully a few people from the area have decided not to get involved and stay talking to me, but him and his brother are actually two of my closest mates and kinda feel a bit gutted not to have spoken in a week :L that's quite long, usually speak all the time
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Re: My friend and his mistake

Postby grantmacd1992 » Thu May 16, 2013 9:01 pm

I'm not back to being friends with his brother, we both sorted it out and started texting again.
And I've done what I was going to wait another two weeks to do . . . sent a text to him explaining everything I needed to say in it and gave him the ultimatum for the holiday . . . if he's the friend I thought he was then hopefully he'll say it's fine text me back and we'll be okay, and it'll be the end of it :) waiting for the reply . . .
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Re: My friend and his mistake

Postby snail » Fri May 17, 2013 12:30 pm

Let us know how it works out.
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