please. can any one offer an opinion

[kindredspirit63]

Can anyone give their opinion / advice on  this hell im in at the moment please?
My daughter is currently completely ignoring any form of contact that I try to gain with her and wont allow me to see my grandchildren  and im heartbroken.
It started  in September when she and the children visited me and my partner who ive been with for 15 yrs.
We were having words my partner and I (not shouting not swearing becase thats not what we do. And certainly never would in front of anyone). We are in our early 50s with morals and manners.
We have never argued in front of anyone.
The  visit they made was on my daughters birthday back in sept when she says I told my partner that I was going to slash his throat with a birthday card!!!!
Me and my partner have told her I did not say that and now shes saying  that we are accusing her of making it up!!
So as she  says I said that,  shes refused to bring the kids here incase we argue! !
We never have nor would and the  few words myself snd my partner exchanged  that day she is talking about was me saying to him would he put the kettle on an he said would I do it so I moaned at him sayin the kids are here I want to cuddle them
..Thats all that we said....
So from that day weve not been allowed to have the kids here to visit or stay over like they used to..my partner  and my  daughter get along like a house on fire so its no problem there.
Plus, from that day ive only been allowed to see them at their house one morning or afternoon per week and no more.
Ive been told I must not be late be it 3,4,5 10 minutes under  any circumstances.
She lives over the border from me and on a good day takes 20/30 mins....so on what I think might be a busy day I set off earlier.
Ive only  seen them  4 times since sept (apart from christmas day and new years day) I wasnt allowed to see them the week up to Christmas as she said id see them at christmas anyway..
so we had agreed a day one week and the night before I wasnt well so told her I was going to try and get a drs apointment the next morning... ( you can only book an app at our surgery the same morning that you need a dr...so one needs a crystal ball to know when we're going to be ill )
So I told my daughter not to worry and id be there  in the afternoon
....but she said no  because id let her down at the last minute and she wouldnt allow me to go any other day that week.
So I went the following week as planned with  no problems and I took us all  out for dinner. It was lovely.
One week she wanted me there for 8am to look after one of the kids while she took the other one to an hospital appointment. ..I got there at 7.46am snd she had set off taking both kids....she finally answered my text giving me hell cos she had said 7am not 8am so I was late.. I felt terrible id misheard her as I had an hearing problem at the time
I said id go straight to her at the hospital take one child off her and  either bring them to my house or take her to the hospital cafe. My daughter refused saying my driving is atrocious and no child of hers is getting in my car!!  This is me who is about to take the institue  of advanced driving test based on the police driving handbook, so that I can mentor other drivers!!!
Previously the kids have been to lots of places with me with no complaints.
So my latest visit was last weds morning arranged for 10am..I set off in good time and took the quiet route but, there was some delay. But!! I still pulled up on my daughters drive as the 10am news came on local radio.
She unlocked the door, informed me I was late and if the kids hadnt seen me she wouldnt have let me in and she was about to close the curtains and ignore me when the kids saw me pull up.
I said I wasnt late even though the route I had taken had been unexpectedly busy and how late did she think I was.  She said 1 minute !!!!  I couldnt believe what I was hearing...
So now im not allowed to see them for 2 weeks..
She is saying that its all my doing
She said back in sept when this started that I had tried to sway her and talk her round into forgetting all about it and getting back to a normal happy family etc and by doing that I had disrespected her decision.   I admitted I did do that because I love them all and miss them all thats why..
And now shes done it again because I was what she said was one minute late last week...so yes ive tried to cajoling her into giving in...i even apologised for being late ! ?
She says im disrespecting her again..that I should leave her alone.
I texted her every morning to see if they are ok and every evening telling her I love her and to ring me if she needs me...she never replies..
I want to add that the kids were born three months early and tho one did come home on oxygen is fine now...at that time they wouldnt let me in the house I could only see the babies thru the window..so did everyone else admittedly not just me.
But it hurt like hell.
Im not a dirty person I dont smoke or drink .I keep well apart from a couple of aching  bones.so its not because of me having unsavoury habits.
I  have mentioned to her and her hubby that they did fantastic with the babies and not to feel bad about not letting anyone in to see them because what ever they did has paid off because the kids are absolutely fine and healthy and that im very proud of them all..my daughter and the babies almost died the day they were born and all this not seeing them now is hurting me so much.
Can anyone offer me any advice?
Sorry its so long
Thankyou xx

[snail]

Hi KindredSpirit

It's hard to know what to think, as by what you say your daughter is behaving rather strangely. What was your relationship like before this incident in September - was it good? Does she have any previous history of mental health troubles? Is there any chance that this is actually about something else - something that happened that she hasn't told you about, or some delayed shock from the stress of the children's birth? What about her relationship with her father - has that changed, or has he noticed anything?

If she is really being as unreasonable as you say, there's not much I can think of that you can do other than trying to talk to her. Can you talk to her husband - what is his view of all this?

[kindredspirit63]

Thankyou for your reply.

what I didnt mention is that also in sept her husband left but, they remain friends and they swap child duties and hes a good dad. They still spend quite a bit of time together as friends
I know for sure that the marriage split will have affected her, and believe me ive made sure that she wasnt alone when he first left. I stayed at her home with her and the kids
she never really mentions anything that she does in her life, if I ask what her plans for the day are she asks why?
If I ask if she wants to go shopping she says no thanks..if I offer to have the kids at her house while she gets things done, she says no, and obviously its not my day that im allowed to visit.
I told her I love her and she must be feeling physically and mentally fraught at time with the split etc and that she can come to me anytime day or night and tell me anything she wants. I said I know shes hurting and that my back is broad enough to take anthing anyway that she wants to say...im her sounding board and it seems she just does not want me to know or tell me anything.
She has never had any mental health issues and yes the birth of the kids will have had an impact. It did on me so it must have on her and their daddy.
ive tried always but nothings working.
I text her everyday and still no reply..
our relationship before was good..we laughed we joked we went shopping...
we're very close . Argued like mom and daughter do sometimes, but fiercely loyal and protective of each other.
what can I do to help my poor beautiful daughter?
I think she feels that I havent done enough...
Sometimes if shes wanted anything ive said naturally id help but id have to be home as my shopping was being delivered and she'd say oh dont bother then.
If im going to a friends on my one night a week for coffee , my daughter will comment im going to be up late and no wonder I wont help her as ill be tired!!
She resents everything I do but wont let me help her..
Ive paid for rent in advance on private housing for her a boyfriends of days gone by, helped her move house, rented my property to her cheap.
bought them all alsorts and no I dont tell her and remind her of it, im just trying to show you that ive been there in every way that I can
I really dont know what to do
Thankyou xx

[ILoveChristmas]

I've been thinking about your post since yesterday trying to identify what could have caused your daughter to have such a dramatic reaction to what you describe as nothing more than a mild disagreement over who would put the kettle on, in fact based on your post, even 'mild disagreement' appears to be overstating it. I'm sorry to say but taking the events at face value I can't see any rational explanation for her behavior.

That leaves two possibilities, and please, please don't be offended, I'm only trying to explore every avenue. Number one is that something happened that either you're not telling us, or you don't know about. The second is that your daughter is struggling with some sort of instability or split personality that's been triggered around the time of her visit. Is it possible that something happened in the distant past, maybe with her father, that's caused her to have this reaction when a disagreement came about between you and your current partner? It could be a self-defense/self-preservation type of reaction.

In an attempt to move forward I'd like to suggest the idea of writing to her, either by letter or by email, explaining the events of the day back in September and how you're missing her and the children now and how you'd like to move forward and be there for her. I suggest a letter because I think if you attempted to raise the issue by phone you'd be shot down before you get the first sentence out, and you know she's avoiding your texts. She may well disregard a letter or email, but you've got more chance of her reading something than of listening to you.

[kindredspirit63]

Thankyou so much for your reoly.xx
I can honestly say she had a good childhood , being an only child . Her father wasnt great but they did have a nice fatber daughter relationship through her teenage years. He was her chauffer etc..but yes they were ok.
I really dont know why its all aimed at me...my partner who wouldnt attempt to intervene actually messaged her asking if there was anything that he could do to help me and her sort this out.She replied to him saying the exact same thing about me as she had said to me....
she said that we should go to mediation and I thought yes a breakthrough!!!
Now as much as im all for it, but im dreading if she comes out with all this about me making me look like the worst mother on earth or they deem her needing psychiatric help...
I know mediation is the way but it worries me..
Theres nothing thats happened in her past that I can say thats caused this.
My guess is the traumatic birth of the children and her marriage split which would affect each and everyone who goes tbrough all that.
I just dont know why shes saying this about me.
it really hurts and im heart broken.
Mediation it has to be I think x

[snail]

Yes, if she's willing to go to family counselling or mediation then that must be the way to go, anything to get her communicating about what's going on for her.

The counsellor really won't be making judgments about how good or bad a mother you are. They also can't make her see a psychiatrist, but if she did need psychiatric help it would be better to get it sooner rather than later anyway.