torn between lust and a unique friendship. what to do?

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torn between lust and a unique friendship. what to do?

Postby The Annonymous Potato » Tue Feb 04, 2014 5:22 am

Ok this is going to be a complicated one, so first, I need to clarify a few things. The thing is, I'm biologically female, but I identify as bigendered. Basically I would be 100% ftm transgender if lesbian sex and that whole lifestyle wasn't so damn good. If I wasn't attracted to girls, there is no way in hell I would still be one, I'd either be transitioning right now or I'd have killed myself at some point when I was a teenager. The reason I bring this up is because the person I like is ftm transgender, pre-op, and out to a few people. We both go by genderless nicknames anyway, so lets call them JD for this question.

So about 6 months ago I told my best friend about my gender issues, I basically wanted him to stop looking at me like a woman, you'd think the lesbian label would work for that like it does with all other male friends but no, I had to explain just how degrading and detrimental it was to me in full. He doesn't really get it, he tries to but he can never really understand it. he still albeit accidentally and totally obliviously, makes me feel utterly **** about my inescapably female body from time to time. I can't talk to him about it anymore, he just gets frustrated and we argue. Then a few months ago I met JD. Everybody presumes JD is just a lesbian. I was pretty sure there was more to JD though. So with that in mind, I thought JD might be bi/transgendered and I might finally have someone I could talk to, someone that would understand me so I tried to be just friends with JD at first. But then JD didn't mind people calling him by her/she and used the ladies toilet. So for a while I was unsure, and thought it might be rude to just ask. When I started to doubt my instincts I let my mind wonder about other possibilities thinking I might not have someone to talk to about gender anymore. FTM or just plain lesbian, there was no denying I was incredibly attracted to JD. I've never been attracted to girly girls, I'm attracted to people that look more like me, have a personality like me, or both. JD is both. So while I was unsure, not only did I think about getting with JD as lesbians, but also as two guys, or just two trans* people, or genderless. My problem is I want to have my cake and eat it. I want someone I can be myself around and who's the same as me, but for that person to also be attracted to me. It just doesn't seem fair. You get Femme and Femmes, Butch and Femmes, but almost never butch and butch. even though I don't think the word butch really fits little shrimpy people like us. Anyway, it turns out JD does want to transition at some point but I havent had a chance to talk about my own gender yet but I think JD already knows seeing as I let myself be more myself round him.

I can't tell whether JD likes me as just a friend or something more though. When I first met JD we started talking and just clicked instantly and ended up walking round town in circles for an hour for no reason just because we didn't want to stop talking. My friends all think there's something going on between us in a lesbian way, and so do his friends. When I'm around JD we always end up wrestling and we get in each others faces a lot like we're gonna kiss but we don't. Sometimes if I'm with my friend's and JD's with his on the other side of the club or bar I see him staring/smiling at me. But then JD's always on about other girls, girly girls with dyed hair. I have dyed hair but not girly. And when JD's talked about friends thinking there's something going on between us he laughs and acts like it would be a ridiculous notion and kind of awkwardly mutters something inaudible. I can't hear very well so I'm not sure. Usually I'm pretty good at deducting whether someone is interested or not, but I'm just getting too many mixed signals. Maybe it's just wishful thinking that JD could just be laughing off the idea of us because he's nervous/doesn't know what I want. I don't know what to do, I don't want to lose a friend by making a fool of myself. But if I wasn't making a fool of myself I also don't want to get with JD if that means it being a heterosexual thing. I don't know if it necessarily would though, JD asked me about a co-worker once and was dissapointed when I said she wasn't gay, so I think the case could be that JD goes for lesbians but sees me as totally transgendered. I want to be myself around JD and open up about my gender but I also want to be intimate. What should I do?
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Re: torn between lust and a unique friendship. what to do?

Postby snail » Tue Feb 04, 2014 10:20 pm

It's hard to answer because you aren't totally clear yourself about what you want, but it seems that what you most want is to have a sexual/romantic relationship with JD. Therefore I would just come out and ask - it isn't clear from what you've said if s/he is attracted to you and I think the only way you will know what JD wants is to ask. I don't see that being honest means making a fool of yourself - far from it. I don't feel convinced from your post that JD is genuinely male (nothing you have said fits that except his/her own assertion) and if s/he normally looks for gay women then there should be no barrier there. I also doubt that s/he sees you as transgendered.

In the longer term though, I think it would be a good idea to reflect on why you tend to pick women with whom relationships are difficult or very unlikely to succeed (which is what your posts suggest). It's very easy in our culture to get caught up in the idea of being a maverick or a great romantic like the star-crossed people in films, TV and books, but in real life it tends to mean you spend a lot of time and emotional energy on your love life and end up mostly dissatisfied.
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Re: torn between lust and a unique friendship. what to do?

Postby The Annonymous Potato » Wed Feb 05, 2014 2:52 am

I'm honestly not sure what I want more, a lover or someone to confide in about my gender. I just get the feeling I can't have both. I think JD does think of me as transgendered because of this one time he was explaining the cost of top surgery to someone then looked at me and said "you know what I'm talking about".

As for the long term. Yes there is a pattern. But this is problem pages, I don't post on here about successful things. I've never posted on here about anybody I am or was ever regularly involved with. What I do notice about that is that the women I actually get with, I'm not really attracted to. Infact I think I've only ever been with one woman who I was genuinely attracted to. The ones I post about on here occasionally are the ones I'm actually attracted to. I don't know why things always get in the way. I'm attracted to them before the situation becomes difficult or I become aware of the difficulty, so I think it's just bad luck and selective posting, as I'm not exactly going to post about the things that are going well. It's generally the case that the chemistry is right but the circumstance is wrong. My problem is that in response to that I get with women with the right circumstances but the wrong chemistry. And that's what leaves me dissatisfied.

I think you're right that I need to just ask JD about things. It's impossible to figure out otherwise.
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Re: torn between lust and a unique friendship. what to do?

Postby all_apologies » Fri Feb 07, 2014 8:47 pm

Hi Potato,

what a predicament! This is a really rough situation - romantic troubles are difficult enough without throwing gender issues into the mix. Can I ask why you haven't talked to JD about your own gender? I'm cis but have a few trans* friends with whom I've regularly had discussions on gender. If there's one person who's going to understand what you're going through and how you feel without judging, it's JD surely? Being "straightforward" ftm/mtf is hard enough, being anything else on the gender spectrum is probably even more tough. I think it'd help, aside from the potential romance, to be able to talk to him about it if you don't have other trans* friends.

Anyway, aside from gender issues, it sounds like there is romantic chemistry there. A friend once said to me that you're never wrong if you have an inkling that someone likes you. I think she was right. It's not something you pull out of thin air. If you're constantly getting into each other's personal space, it sounds like you probably both like each other. If I was you, I'd probably take the plunge and just kiss him next time it happens. Worst case scenario, he doesn't reciprocate and you back off and laugh it off. You can keep it lighthearted.

Honestly, the older I get, the more I think that there's no point just wondering about these situations. It's worth taking the potential hit of a bit of embarrassment just to answer the question once and for all.

As an aside, I really don't think you need to worry about the gender mechanics of the relationship. I'd imagine that this is something that would fall into place with a prospective partner. I.e. if you got with JD and it felt natural to have sex as gay men, so be it. If it happened to work more as biological females, who cares. Sexual and gender roles differ so much from relationship to relationship that I don't think it's something you should overthink.
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