Whatever next?

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Whatever next?

Postby Tarantula » Mon Feb 17, 2014 2:38 am

Yesterday I found out that my brother D told my other brother S's girlfriend that he thinks that S and I have a sexual relationship and that's why we're so close.


I'm sad. It's just one thing after another with my family. I haven't seen D in five years; not since I ran away from home because he likes to drink and intimidate his then-teenage sister. He's now 38ish, and still unemployed/on benefits/violent when confronted/thinks everyone is racist. About six months ago he strangled our mum until she nearly died, then called the police on himself so that he'd be removed from the house. Now he's in some homeless unit somewhere doing community service.

As for S, we ARE close. Because he's the only member of my family who has retained some sort of sanity, and has always been there for me, like they all SHOULD have been.

I was sexually abused by my father for most of my childhood. That's all out in the open now and I haven't seen him since I was 15. I'm 23 now.

My mum is now a retired GP and never leaves the house. She lives for gin and the shopping channel, and gets deliveries every day. She constantly tells anyone who will listen how she has no money whatsoever, and likes to make us, her grown-up children, feel guilty whenever we accept any money that she freely offers us. She has never asked me how I'm dealing with my abusive past, as she sees herself as the victim in all of this. Incidentally, my father used to beat both my brothers, and she never did a thing about it. Except threaten to commit suicide, but I suppose that wasn't directly related. Still remember it though.

Oh, and then there's the step mum who raised me more than my real mum did, who then abandoned me when I disclosed my abuse because she didn't (read: WOULDN'T) believe me. I never got a chance to grieve that particular loss because, well, my brain had to prioritise. Molestation first, maternal negligence next. Violent brother third. And when you're done dealing with that, THEN address the relatively tertiary matters of not being believed by someone you once considered family, and money/shame issues, and all the rest of it.

So my 'good brother' S has a girlfriend and they split up recently, then got back together. I like her, I think she's a sweety. Because she's Romanian, she wasn't able to get a job in this country until January of this year, so when her dysfunctional mother pulled the plug on her finances, my bro helped her by having her stay in our mum's house, placing her directly in the firing line of all the craziness that goes on there. Including D showing up one day and telling her that, yeah, he believes S and I, brother and sister, have an incestuous relationship.

After everything I've already endured in that department, well, it's just a nuisance really. When S first told me that, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So I laughed on the phone, and told him not to react because there's no point. 32 hours later I went the other way and bawled about it.

I know there's no point letting it get to me. Look, D is down and out. He is cray cray. He is gonna end up on the news one day for murdering somebody. I've been saying it for years, the signs keep pointing to his ongoing mental deterioration and antipathy for the world at large. First he scares his siblings out of the house we all used to live in. Then he gets drunk and drugged up and drives to a park in the dead of night to run around with an imitation fire arm. Then he strangles our mum. Now he's telling S's girlfriend that S and I are sexual together; perverting the only good family relationship I have. How could I ever take him seriously? You don't take it personally when a baby poos itself. That's just his nature.

So tonight I'm just saying that, regardless of all my advanced resilient theories about things, well, it hurts. It really, really hurts right now. I already accepted that D will never be the big brother I would welcome back into my life if he sorted his out. But that doesn't mean I'm prepared to have that sad reality rubbed in my face by his latest absurd antics. Why can't they just be normal?!

I got a longterm boyfriend who I live with (and with whom things are currently fantastic, by the way. Really really good.), and his dad sadly passed away when he was a kid, and I've said that I feel fortunate in that bereavement is something I've never had to deal with so far. Yet in a sense I wonder if that's really true. As soon as he laid an inappropriate finger on my childish self, my father effectively died; any chance of a functional relationship with him bit the dust, so there goes one parent. My mum was never really around, so she's been ghosting since the beginning, and regularly telling us how she's gonna die soon anyway. My step mum disappeared out of my life, akin to death, all of a sudden when I disclosed. My brother D will never look the same to me as how he did when I was a child and used to love seeing him in the school holidays, when he was a different person.... at least from my childlike understanding of things.

I know it's not the same as bereavement from death, but it's certainly loss. I never really grive that loss. I'm too busy keeping my backside together in the day-to-day. Sometimes I worry that if I truly let myself feel the vastness of my sorry situations, I'd simply fall apart. And I can't have that.

Right now I got a great life with my fella who supports and accepts me 100%. We have kittens who I love. I do normal things that normal people do, like go to the gym and watch movies and use Twitter. No amount of D, mum, dad, the lotta them, can take that away from me.

But right now I just feel sorry for myself. Jeez, wouldn't you? I can't sleep 'cos I had a nap earlier and I feel sick 'cos I ate some dodgy chicken. Might as well delete all of the above; the secret's out now, I'm just annoyed about the chicken. £6.25 it cost me today, straight from the farmer's market (see how normal I am?). £6.25?! Stomach ache? What a joke. I probably overcooked it, but still.
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Re: Whatever next?

Postby snail » Mon Feb 17, 2014 6:28 pm

Hey B_C

Hope you're feeling better now. If it's any consolation it's not likely to be the nice chicken as cooked chicken is pretty bland; could be a bug.

I'm so sorry to hear about this happening with your brother. There's nothing I can really say because you've summed it all up perfectly. It's just a really horrible thing to do; probably the horriblest easy thing he could think of, to hurt both you and your other brother. Your brother D is a really badly damaged person himself of course, as is your mum and your dad, and probably your step-mum too, and they're all paying for their sins in the sense that they all sound very tormented. But I know myself, although you know it's their problem and not yours, nothing can take away that pain, the grief of not having the loving family you so wanted, that everyone else seems to have. It's just a complete bummer, and that's all there is to say (or all the PP swear filter will allow me to say anyway!).
How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.

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Re: Whatever next?

Postby brfc » Thu May 08, 2014 8:50 am

guess it goes to show you cant choose your family. your just born with them. glad all going ok for you broken apart from the family things.
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