Just need some friendly advice to clear my head

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Just need some friendly advice to clear my head

Postby angeleyes » Fri Mar 06, 2015 12:26 pm

So a little while ago something happened following the breakdown of a (sort of) relationship I had.
I felt really hurt, alone and as if I deserved better so I decided the best way to forget about this guy was to put myself out there and start dating again.

I decided to try a bit of online dating, talked to a few guys but one stood out for me. We got on really well and the conversation just flowed, I didn't feel any huge physical attraction towards him but I thought I'd give it a go when he asked to meet up.
We met up, had dinner, and he was a perfect gentleman. A Genuinely nice guy! We later went to a bar and had a few drinks and I mean a few, a lot more than I'd usually drink and we did end up kissing.
Anyway as it later turned out I missed my last bus home. I was quite a while a way from home (not walking or taxi distance that's for sure), had no friends in the area and my parents were in bed (mistake 1 - they didn't know I was out on a date with someone). The guy suggested I go back to his place and I initially refused. His response was that he wouldn't do anything, that it wasn't the plan anyway and he'd sleep on the sofa. So I agreed (mistake 2).
We headed to his and at this point I was probably already pretty drunk. He poured another drink, I took a sip and had to run to the bathroom to throw up. So when I came out he wanted to kiss me, and I turned away because I had just been sick. I asked where I'd sleep and he pointed to the bed, so I got in with my clothes on, but he got in too.
Things are pretty hazy if I'm honest. I was facing the other way but I remember feeling him touch me and pull on my dress, asking me to take it off. I said no a few times but he eventually convinced me to take it off. I was going along with it, not because I wanted to but because he wanted to. I remember during he wanted me to do something, I also said no firstly then but ended up doing it anyway.
When I woke up the next day I felt awful about everything. I just wanted to run. He walked me to the bus and it was all normal.

Even though this happened a while ago I still think about this night and how incredibly stupid I was. I regret every moment of it, I flashback and it makes me feel awful about myself.
I stopped talking to this guy so much after that night and he would message asking why. Eventually I told him I wasn't ready to date and we haven't spoken since.

I never once thought anything bad about this guy, he was nice and he was a gentleman, and really, I reciprocated so as far as he was concerned he wasn't doing anything wrong to me. Then a similar situation happened to a friend, and she was telling us as a group and my friends had a, sort of, debate regarding what's classed as "consensual sex". I never told them what happened to me, I haven't told anyone, I feel so ashamed about what I did. I've never had anything that's classed as a "one night stand".

I just really want some clarity of the situation. I want to stop thinking about it and I want to stop despising myself because of it.
So I was just wondering what other peoples opinion of this situation is? I haven't had a friend to talk to about it, any advice on it. So anything, please, would be great.
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Re: Just need some friendly advice to clear my head

Postby Tarantula » Fri Mar 06, 2015 3:45 pm

Hi there

Don't worry! It's okay! You don't need to feel bad about yourself over what happened.

I would say that it just about falls on the consensual side of the fence, if he convinced you, but really it's a grey area. If you remember consenting in the end, even if you said no at first, then I think that's consent, regardless of what was going on in your head... provided you weren't SO drunk that you were incapable of saying either yes or no. If you were passed out on the floor and he just got on you for example, then that's the rape side.

Of course, just because it's not rape in my opinion, doesn't mean he's okay! What a slimy, sleazy, manipulative guy. He should have seen that you weren't that interested and backed off, not just carried on anyway. What a creep.

But don't internalise his creepiness into your own self-image. You did nothing wrong. Naive, perhaps, to think that he wouldn't try it once you were back at his, but still you didn't do anything 'bad'. I understand why you feel grossed out but that should be at HIM, not yourself.

In future definitely let someone know where you're going, and pass your date's phone number on to them just in case. It's a bit scary to think of what might have happened.

If he acted normal after and continued to contact you, then it probably wasn't in his intentions to harm you; in his head, he was trying his luck, probably also quite drunk himself.

For me, it's only rape if you solidly say no and he forcefully carries on anyway. If you say no at first, and then say yes when he persists, then it isn't rape.

Don't feel bad. This is one of those 'perception is reality' situations. If you perceive yourself as some kind of victim and beat yourself up for putting yourself in that position, you gonna feel bad. You did put yourself in a precarious position, but just learn from it and don't do it again. We've probably all played with fire in the safety sense at some point. It's okay.

If you're feeling bad from a 'slut shaming' point of view ('I feel so ashamed... I've never had a one night stand'), then... don't! If it's not your cup of tea that's fine, but so long as everyone's responsible about it, there's nothing 'wrong' with doing things casually. But it's clear that was far from your intentions; you just went on a rebound date and got too drunk and made a few silly decisions, it's really not a bad thing that you did. Put it down to experience and try to move on from it.
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Re: Just need some friendly advice to clear my head

Postby David020549 » Sun Apr 05, 2015 6:09 pm

Angeleyes

You don't say how old you are, young I guess, you made several mistakes as you say and you had too much to drink, in that situation most guys are going to "try it on", to get you to give in. Yours is a marginal case, you were not physically harmed but now you feel really bad about it. The best course is to put it behind you and move on and don't put yourself in risky situations.
If you decide to report him there will be a lot more heartache for you and then it is hard to keep private, for him, he will probably be offered a formal caution, that will stay on his criminal record for years.
Do you think he deserves that, not an easy decision.
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