Crush or obsession or something

[Mrconfused74]

I think I've known that it seems to be me that makes an effort to chat, although on occasion she has approached me. Yet if we're having a coffee she will always make an effort to keep the conversation going, almost like she doesn't want me to leave. Yet I know she's said if she's had people round before that she finds it hard to say, ' i need to get on' and ask them to leave. Additionally it always seems to be her friends that are making the effort to see her, or pop round for coffee etc. so perhaps that's just how she is. She's a single work from home mum, and has some money issues, so I can understand she may not want to be out socialising a lot. And doesn't seem to get much help from anyone around her, so maybe I feel sorry for her, and just want to be there for her to talk too, and get out her frustrations. So yes maybe Is using me in that instance, but we do have a laugh too, and I do vent my frustrations to her too. Not wanting to look for excuses but she has a lot going on at the moment, and gets very little support in it.
I give her space, don't always approach her, allow her time to do what she needs, if I've not seen her for a few days I'll ask if things are ok, she'll say she's been busy, then she'll say a few days later she hasn't seen me go past for a while.
I think it all started the first time I went round, thinking I was seeing signs of flirting, and other things that have happened. Maybe she is just lonely and likes the attention, and I'm happy to be there for her. It's unlikely I'll see her for a while now due to holidays, and her kids being at home, unless I bump into her in town, so it'll give me some time to sort out things. Then maybe when we meet up see how things are. I might even have gotten over my crush, and just be friends.
Glad things looking up for you, it's important to take your time to be sure, but like you say you can never be 100% certain, until you ask, but I hope it works out for at least one of us lol .

[Mrconfused74]

How are things going? It's been 5 weeks now since I seen this woman and have found I've slept better and thought about her less and less, I've not even bumped into her whilst being out, so I'm coming to terms with things. The challenge will be during school term when it's likely I will see her again, and how I will react, and her for that matter. Just wondered how things were your end?

[Nomad]

hi - that sounds positive. Sleeping better is always a good thing! Have you missed her? Not just her company I mean, but things about her particularly? That is always a good gauge on whether to pursue a connection with someone. Well I hope the start of term is going ok since you wrote that last note. I am guessing your kids go to the same school or similar. How are you feeling about it now?
I am no clearer in my world! I think that I am so in need of connection with someone that i am looking to the close people in my life and willing it to be more. I still have feelings for the friend I have spoken about, in fact we are going away with two other friends for a week next week so it will be a good chance to relax and just be me and get to know him more. But going back to your advice before, i need to keep working on myself until I pursue something with someone anyway - it just feels like that day will never come!! I'm 37 now so sometimes feel amazed how 'unsorted' i am in this department despite a life time of relationships and self discovery.

Well all the best and hope it's going ok. I feel like what you need is for someone else all together to walk into your life and knock your socks off!

[Mrconfused74]

Hi things were going well until I had a few dreams about her shortly before term time, and since then my sleeping has become erratic. Now that the kids are back I've seen her twice first time she said hi second I just waved as I drove off. So not really spoken to her, which I'm not sure if that's helping or not. Maybe if I did I'd realise it's just a friendship and be able to move on. I do find myself looking out for her and park so I know she'll see me. But as yet not much has happened.
I understand where your coming from in wanting more from someone you get close too, willing it to be more, but then sad when it doesn't. Maybe they can just sense when your desperate in a way and feel a pressure. It's weird that after so many years of dating and relationships we'd learn but seems you just go back to wanting rather than letting it happen. Being yourself is always a good thing then if someone falls for you it's the real you. I hope your week goes well let me know how you get on.

[Nomad]

If you were to meet someone else - a surprise, something that took your focus away, how do you think you would feel about her then? I always find that a good way to try and work out how i feel - really imagine yourself in another situation, be that 'other you' in the parallel situation, and imagine how you would feel about something or someone. Do you think you are into her because there is no one else to focus on right now? Or that you have truely fallen for her.
Actually i have tried to do that with my male friends and it doesn't help completely. But want is to be close to someone and im looking for it in my friends. Im lucky enough to have some amazing male friends, at least one of who likes me (i think), but I am clearly not in the right head space. Things naturally happen if they are meant to be dont they.

Your words are so wise and right again "Being yourself is always a good thing then if someone falls for you it's the real you" - not always easy to do, and easy to forget to stay true to yourself, but this is the right way to live.
All the best
(PS this week i am going away on a trip with two of the male friends ive been speaking about. there are just 4 of us for a week - it will force me to relax and be myself, i am looking forward to getting to know them better).

[Mrconfused74]

Hey hope the trip goes well, and if nothing happens at lease being yourself may make them see what your really like, and encourage one of them to be more open with you.
Well yesterday she actually came over to talk to me, which is the first time in a while that's happened, we couldn't talk much as people kept coming over, but was nice to see her, then this morning she invited me round for coffee, we just chatted about all sorts of things, but what's weird is that if it goes quiet it doesn't feel uncomfortable.
As for your question about if I've really fallen for her? I'm not sure, I do smile when I see her, and get a bit down if I don't, but that could well just be that I'm kinda lonely sometimes, I could just feel good about the attention, I mean she is stunning for her age, and I wouldn't think she'd even consider someone like me, and I'm sure she has loads of other friends she could talk too about the stuff we do. But again maybe she knows how I feel and is flattered by the attention she's getting from another man, and that makes her feel good about herself. Or she's getting the things that annoy her off her chest so when her partner comes home she doesn't moan at him, although saying that it doesn't seem like she can say much good about him? Hope your week went well.

[Nomad]

Yikes I hadn't realised she had a partner. Sounds perhaps like you should move on from considering her as more than a friend. It does sound as if you are both just enjoying the company and bouncing off each other. I will admit as a woman that i enjoy the attention when I know someone likes me, but I will do something about it if I want to reciprocate. But that doesnt mean she doesn't think very highly of you as a friend.

It can be uncomfortable sometimes if you know someone likes you and you don't have any intention of being more than friends, as you spend a lot of energy trying not to give off the wrong signals and encouraging them. This might be why she keeps more distance. I would say your friendship would blossom even more if you were able to take anything more than friends out of your mind (perhaps that is hard if she is very attractive and you are feeling lonely - with you there brother!).

I've been really enjoying the company of one friend in the last few months, but i know he likes me and, as much as that is flattering, i find it hard to relax completely around him as I dont want to lead him on. Also now having spent a whole week together on this trip his 'keen' behaviour has become a little suffocating (eg always carrying my bag, or jumping to do something for me etc) - very sweet and kind, but hard over a whole week. I would rather he was himself and put himself first as it shows he knows his mind, not choosing things as he knows I will like them.

So that has been interesting, and also spending time this week with the original friend I was talking about in this thread - well that has been really helpful as it confirms that we are not a match. We have A LOT in common, but we are almost too similar! In terms of personality I think that is a clash.

As you have said - need to concentrate on being true to ourselves and everything will slot into place!

[Mrconfused74]

I thought I'd mentioned the partner! Well either way makes no difference. Maybe she is enjoying the attention, and having someone listen to her and talk to her like maybe a partner should. She is clearly struggling in some ways and the impression she gives is he's not very helpful. I mean he works, he has his own place but stays at hers, doesn't seem to get on with her kids, and doesn't seem to help financially? So maybe she is just happy to have someone around that cares and listens. But if she wanted that she has other friends she can moan too about stuff. I do think as each day goes by I'm more aware that it's not going to evolve into anything more, I mean we haven't even exchanged numbers! So I'm accepting it will just be friends,and yes it has been hard, she is very attractive although noty type at all.

It's amazing what spending a few days together can do to how you see someone. The first guy sounds a bit like me, so wanting you to notice him, and like him, that he goes overboard in getting you to notice him. What he might see as being helpful or a gent, you see as touch and Almost claustrophobic. But that's what us guys do, and the seconds guy has gone the other way, that time has let you see the real him. And whilst it's great having stuff in common being very similar personality wise can mean you will clash a lot, but that's not to say it can't work.
So I guess all we can both do is be ourselves and see what happens, but it has helped being able to talk it over thank you. I'll let you know if there are any developments this week. Take care

[Nomad]

Likewise - thank you for sharing. I'm sorry that you are in a frustrating situation. Sometimes I wonder that it would be easier to live in the past where there were 2 or 3 eligible people in your village and you had no other choice but to get on with it! I don't think our modern world helps us. It certainly makes us very lonely. I hope that you can keep connecting with her so that it is not at the detriment to you.

You are right that the first guy I mention was being truly gentlemanly. And he is a genuinely kind and thoughtful person. In the past I have loved this about his personality, but when it is directed towards me constantly I find it difficult to manage. In a big part that is to do with my own issues about being worthy, and about accepting help from other people (all to do with how I was treated as a child) - but when someone puts others first before their own preferences and needs, it goes from being an attractive trait to an unattractive one.

Have a great week and catch you soon

[Mrconfused74]

Yes it can be frustrating but at the same time I think we just enjoy each other's company. We may not see each other for a few days but then we will talk for ages. But every day we do I'm believing more and more that there is nothing more too it. Not that's a bad thing, at least then I could relax more and be there as a friend, which is what I think she needs right now. Although there is a part of me that thinks she knows how I feel and is liking the attention.

Yes guys can sometimes go over the top in there attempts to get a girl to notice them, which is what the guy that was over helpful sounds like. Sometimes what we need is a subtle hint that we don't have to do everything, especially if you're use to being independent. I suppose having spent a week together it can become tiresome, and what's needed is a break for a while, I mean I don't see this woman everyday to talk to, so when we do its a change from normal life so to speak. It's that old thing of wishing you knew what a woman was thinking so you could act accordingly. I mean the guy clearly likes you but is going about the wrong way in showing it, so needs some help. Like me if I knew I'd know what to do

[Nomad]

I guess you have kind of answered your own query in the messages above, without saying it in so many words - that is it is just friends between you, but she enjoys he attention of you liking her (even if she doesn't think about that consciously). Its a funny situation becasue it would help you to relax and concentrate on being friends if you knew that for certain, but then in a way it could change the dynamic becasue, for as long as you are giving that extra vibe of liking her, she will be feeding off that.
Do you have any mutual friends? Could you get someone to dig a little and confirm it for you? That is what I did with the person I originally started this post about and it helped me to move forward.
Yeah, the friend who is trying so hard with me knows me well, so he knows I like to be independent, but you are right, he is probably just trying to communicate somehow and work out whether to pursue the idea. He tried to have that conversation once 'its so hard to know isn't it' - but referring to someone else. And I think i knew what he was getting at, but had no way to tell him 'just friends'. I still dont really know how to give him that message. I dont flirt or anything. Recently he said we should go for lunch. And i think he means it in a date way, but hes not said that. As we are now (as far as im concerned) in the friend zone, going for lunch seems totally normal. But i feel like if we do, then he might get the wrong idea. I'm so hopeless at knowing how to be platonic friends with guys.

[Mrconfused74]

I think in a way I've always known it's just friends, I've just wanted confirmation! Initially I would approach her and start the conversation or suggest a coffee sometime, although recently it's been the other way round, which is what keeps that bit of doubt in my mind. We don't have any mutual friends so I can't find out that way. I'm not sure the dynamic would change, I mean just because I know she's not interested doesn't mean I'll stop liking her. But I see what you mean, I'll just have to live with it I guess, but I enjoy seeing her, sometimes I feel good just knowing I've listened to her, like I've said before, it's like we get our frustrations out when we talk, and that can help a lot.
I think with guys we easily mistake a woman's behaviour as something it's not, in my case I felt and sometimes still do that she's flirting a bit, or suggesting time together. I'm yours it could well be your subconsciously sending out the wrong signals. And so he's picking up on this, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, maybe avoid him for a bit, or not respond to a text etc, maybe cancel the lunch, so he sees he's not the mist important thing, if you really were interested you'd jump at the chance to see or chat to him. Maybe he'll get the hint that way?

[Nomad]

Yeah, its easy to read the wrong things into a situation if we really want to see it a certain way. I totally know what you mean when you describe wondering if your friends behaviour is flirtatious or keen. If you really want it to be that way then you try to find it. But like your advise to me - if I was really interested in my friend i'd be jumping at opportunities - he must know that deep down in the same way as your situation perhaps? It doesnt mean she doesnt love hanging out and having a good chin wag with you. And it might be that she has relaxed becasue she feels comfortable that you know its just friends, so she can suggest meet ups without worrying she is leading you on.

[Mrconfused74]

That's very true, we do look for any sign that they might be flirting, from playing with their hair, to inviting u for coffee, and us guys will always think she must like us, specially if they are good looking, but you always ask yourself, why have me as a friend, when she has others she can talk too. There are so many questions we as guys ask ourselves in these situations. And there is alwAys a part of us that hangs on to any hope. But it's interesting to hear from the point of view of the woman in this situation, gives me and you an idea of how the other people involved may be feeling or acting.

[Nomad]

Obviously she may think very differently from me! But yes I can see that it is helpful to hear the other perspective. I personally (in her situation) would still want to hang out with you if I was receiving so much positivity. Being liked and having attention is a great feeling as you know. My male friend who likes me makes me feel great... he really notices me (the person I am), understands me and listens. I may not think about it consciously, but I seek out time around that feeling. I have thought before 'what a shame I am not attracted to him' - but I still really enjoy his company. If he gets too close, like recently, then I back away so that he doesn't get the wrong idea. Sounds like a very similar situation.