About 12 months ago I realised that I was in love (really in love, not just some crush) with a colleague that I have been working with for a bout 3 years. I thought initially we were just getting on well and was thinking how great it was to have someone like that to work with. However what I started to feel became a lot stronger and something that I have not felt at all since possible getting married about 20 years ago.
I am male, married and have 2 wonderful children. However there have been strains in my relationship going back years but out of a will to make things work and for the well-being of the children I persisted. They are now 12 and 15. My work as a consultant means that often work away and this also doesn't help from a relationship point of view though I find the balance of time spent at home and time away (maybe 3 days every other week) good for me and dare I say it gives me some respite from problems at home.
I never told my colleague how I felt openly. We did go out after work and have a few drinks and a hug and a peck on the cheek before she going home and me back to a hotel was all that ever happened. Despite a desperation to tell her everything my head said 'no' and I just bottled it all up and kept on going. She only indication of any feelings she had for me came from saying things to the effect that she was glad when I decided to stay on with my employer when my contract was up for renewal. When it finally completed she said how strange it would be not having me around and that she would miss me. More drinks, hugs, the odd text and that was all. But my feelings never changed. Even after long periods working from home, getting into exercise, would not stop how I felt.
My colleague is a quiet person similar to me but doesn't let much out about her private life. I know she is in a relationship, no children, but her partner works for long periods abroad. Whenever I have mentioned him she brushes the subject aside.
When these feelings first started I took them to be very positive. All I think I wanted was for her to acknowledge them and to say she felt the same. But my fear of loosing her as a friend stopped me. My home and marital situation I put to one side because what I felt was stronger than anything I had ever previously felt for anyone (possibly even my wife). But with my head screwed on I knew that if I admitted all, if she reciprocated, then that would destroy my family and lead to a lot of heart ache. Equally I didn't want to burden her with all my family issues. I thought perhaps if I did leave my wife and children then she might open up more to me. If she had any sense she was doing the right thing in not showing any interest. I would expect any woman to do the same of a married man.
So now, those feelings of love to my colleague still exist but alongside is a growing feeling of despair and possibly depression. Everyday I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach and if my wife says something to upset me (I am fairly quiet but she can be hot headed) then it can almost drive me to tears. I just don't know what to do now. Sometimes I think I am just being week but do I ignore what I'm feeling and push on with a marriage where both of us know it hasn't really worked properly for a while?
Life goes on, I'm no longer with that employer but I keep in contact with my former colleague. My feelings though are still as strong. I just don't know where to go from here.