im jealous and paranoid

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im jealous and paranoid

Postby tomboii24 » Tue Sep 22, 2015 6:33 pm

I don't even know where to start, I've began a new relationship with ny first love (we're both girls) I fell head over heels for this girl but we were both too young and she was still very confused about her sexuality. We have always remained friends and "hooked up" several times over the years
She settled down with a fella and despite him being abusive and controlling she stayed with him for many years and they had a baby. I got into a relationship that was a complete nightmare, she was jealous and controlling and cheated on me several times before I wised up.
I know it was wrong but me and her got close again, and we started an affair (I'm not proud of it) we made plans for a future and we saved to get her away from the baby's dad and we are now living together. We had been together properly for three months when we found out she was four months pregnant, I was obviously shocked but we said we would make it work.
I've never in my life been the jealous type, I'm a natural born worrier but never possessive, I am honestly driving myself insane with it, I am convinced she is cheating constantly, or falling out of love with me. Some of the scenarios that go through my head are completely crazy! I don't get it at all, I know obviously with my past relationship its always going to leave scars. I've been honest with her about me being insecure but don't badger her with the details as she would think I am mental. I'm on a waiting list now for CBT as I don't want these anxieties to rule my life.
I don't even know what I hope to achieve from this I think sometimes it can just help to get it all out..
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Re: im jealous and paranoid

Postby Mrconfused74 » Wed Sep 23, 2015 8:12 am

I understand exactly where your coming from. I was cheated on or lied to in several of my early relationships, and got together with a girl that was seeing someone else at the time. I took my paranoia into relationships after that and it ruined almost everyone, my last which lasted a number of years I finally managed to control it, but I don't know if that was because I'd accepted it wasn't going to happen, or that I just didn't care anymore.
It's difficult when you've been cheated on previously, but as I saw after each failed relationship it was my fault it happened. As for the girl that was seeing someone, she cheated on me, and subsequently the guy she cheated with too. So I'm not sure she is the same as your partner. Sometimes rather than talking about it it helps to write it down, then either give her the letter, or like you've done put it on here. Yes getting it out and talking about it can be a major help, and hopefully you will get some help, but ultimately you need to realise that if you don't change you may lose her, regardless of whether she will cheat or not. The reason you feel like she doesn't always love you? It's because your pushing her away and she's protecting herself.
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Re: im jealous and paranoid

Postby tomboii24 » Wed Sep 23, 2015 9:14 am

Firstly, thank you for your reply, its good to hear you're not alone.
I know even when I'm doing it in being an bum and she's so understanding. I don't tell her the majority of it because I don't want to push her away, I've just told her I'm struggling and I'm going to get help for it. I don't try to control her or anything, I wouldn't put anyone in the position that I was in. Yeah my ex just went from one new thing to another, she has just recently had a baby with my ex friend. I know I have to accept it for what it was and move on, and I honestly didn't actively look for this relationship. Hopefully the therapy can help my thought process become a bit more normal. Again Thank you
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Re: im jealous and paranoid

Postby Nomad » Tue Oct 06, 2015 3:04 pm

Hi tomboii - I think you are doing exactly the right thing by getting help. Good for you. CBT can be really helpful and is a very proactive type of therapy. It must be so hard to be dealing with your struggles and just wanting to live and be content, I know how that feels. It is so easy, and common, to let past experiences get in the way of current relationships but the wonderful thing is that you are aware that this is what is happening and doing something about it, rather than putting it all down to the current relationship. You may also discover that there are some other issues buried that are getting in the way for you such as self esteem and anxiety.
My advice would be to be patient and persevere and dont be tempted to stop therapy (or self help even) as soon as things feel positive. Keep working on yourself, look after your head and stay present and you will be fine.
I do think that you should share with her as much as possible though. If she is not able to support you then she is not what you need. I completely know that feeling of protecting someone from 'you' - or feeling like you need to. To be happy in a relationship you both need to be totally free to be you at all times, warts and all. You clearly have a very strong bond and I am sure you will be ok. Ride those waves!
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