Crush or obsession or something

[Mrconfused74]

It's interesting you say you seek out the feeling, as I think that's exactly what she's doing. Some days she might just sit in her car others she will come over. Yesterday for example she parked along side me and we chatted for a while, and it was clear she had a bad few days so talking to me is her way of cheering herself up, because I listen, talk to her not criticise or judge, but help her. And she always smiles when she goes. Then today she pulled up and just poked her tongue out! I didn't go over as I don't want to seem like I need to talk to her, but every time she drives off she will smile and say hi. So from that even though it's seemingly nothing, I wonder if there is more to it. Just as the guy in your situation may feel? And yes they are very similar! I did stop to think if you was her lol but changed your story a bit!! But that's not likely. And thanks for replying it's helping a lot. Have a good weekend.

[Nomad]

Ha ha! Nope - no kids for me.

Yes, perhaps suffers from highs and lows a bit more than most (I suffer from depression so have to manage who I see and when quite a bit). But lovely that you can make her feel good and make her mile, and it is a magic thing to be really listened to, she must appreciate so much.

It sounds like it is all at your peril however? especially if you are modifying your behaviour for her (you said "I didn't go over as I don't want to seem like I need to talk to her") - by doing that you are not being fully true to yourself which can have a terrible negative impact on you long term. Perhaps you feel that if you 'tread carefully' you will get to spend more time with her, or that she may like you more, or that she may want to be more than friends, but if you are managing how you want to behave (ie going over to talk to her all the time, perhaps waving and grinning each time you see her...) then she is not getting the true picture. It's a scary idea, as that 'whole' you may not be what she wants in her life, but it could be. And ultimately giving yourself the freedom to be truly yourself is what will attract the right sort of person. You can't put a slightly square peg into a square hole.

I'm coming out with all this type of stuff as I have been learning so much from my therapy. I have always 'known' that I must be true to myself, but years and years of modifying how I am means I don't always know when i do it, so becoming aware and waking up to all of this is where my steps forward are.

Its great that she is making fun (poking tongue out) and obviously feeling really relaxed with you. I still feel deep down that if she liked you romantically there would be no question. At least that is how it would be for me.

Then again... there is nothing that stops these relationships growing into something else one day. In other news I have a male friend who i met about 18 months ago - we have always got on as if we have always known each other, and all this time later I am starting to feel differently towards him, just in the last month or so. I dont trust myself as I said at the start of this thread (is it hormones, the moon, my depression, my inability to relate to people...or is it real), but am going to try and let it run its course, not think about it too much, and just see... Its hard to let it be as I am anxious I could miss a good thing if i am not ready yet (working on some big jelly with therapist), or anxious that he has already put me in the friend zone, that I am too late. That makes me want to take action, over think it and be unnatural around him. However I know it is more lilkely to work out if i am myself. I really need to do that and treat this one differently.

I was given good advice the other day. I study/work with wild creatures and would never expect them to do something unnatural - literally 'nature takes it course'. Its the same with people, you cant push it or pull it out of its natural line, however much you want it, you have to sit back and let nature do its thing. Sometimes its not what we want, but its not up to us! I'm trying really hard to relax and sit back with this friend and hope that if it's meant to be then it will happen. It will be a first for me if i can manage it, and something magic if my senses are right. Same for you guys - although i do understand that you need to create opportunities and put in some work if you want to spend time with her. Nature will work it all out for you.

[Mrconfused74]

I know I should be myself, but it seems to be human nature to change how we are to attract a partner, but then when we get them slowly revert to our real selves and problems can arise. It's funny as I'd always tell someone to be themselves when they are attracted to someone, yet don't take it myself. So if I feel I need to talk to her I just should?
Yes it's fun, she pokes out her tongue, she makes fun at my greying hair etc, and I do the same, so yes we are quite comfortable together, even as friends we seem to be able to just pick up where we left.
And even though she may be with someone you can never help who you fall for, like I said he doesn't seem overly helpful, bickers with the kids, and it always seems to be a hassle forget to get him to help around the house. Even though they more or less live together he has his own house too.
I'm sorry to hear of your issues, it must make relationships very hard, especially if you over think things, just as I do. In your situation I would usually just say go for it, but it seems as though you need to be more careful, which isn't always a bad thing. If you like him and get close if he's that into you and you explained the situation in sure he'd accept it and do things at your speed. But only you know how you feel about things, but like we both say be yourself and do what you feel is right . x

[Nomad]

Isn't it funny how it is easy to advise others and see things from their point of view but not follow your own advice sint it! I'll be really frank... your situation screams 'stay away' to me! Mainly becasue there is someone else on the scene. Sadly it doesn't matter if you don't think he is good enough for her - she has to figure that out for herself. And all you are receiving from the situation is frustration and pain, although you are telling yourself that it is ok as you are hanging on to a fantasy of where she comes to her senses, dumps her idiot boyfriend and comes running for you. Even the less dramatic fantasy where you slowly get closer and one day end up together is not going to happen if you are conscious of how you are around her. If its not 100% natural and happening without thought or questions on both sides, its not meant to be. There is someone else out there for you, someone more deserving who is not using your good nature to perk them up.

Your first sentence is a little nuts - "...change how we are to attract a partner, but then when we get them slowly revert to our real selves.." - if there is one thing I have learnt it is that you should never change how you are, or try to change someone else. It will never result in happiness. It is being dishonest to yourself, and dishonest to someone else. I know because i have done it, and it is extraordinarily hard to see that you are doing it sometimes, especially if you have got into the habit.

I am not going to pursue the friend that I like because i truly believe that if we are both on the same page then it will happen. If not, then it is not supposed to happen and I just have to be patient and open to the outcome. He knows my situation and my health issues so he can choose whether that is something he can support or not. I have no idea if he likes me in the same way which is the hurdle. But i have started flirting a bit with him now (something i rarely do unless i am sure i really like someone!), so fingers crossed that will help him to see that I am into him.

Man, its so hard not to seek for it isn't it - when you are lonely that is. It really distorts things sometimes. This one I really dont want to spoil.

Do you meet other people much? Do you do internet dating and things? I think it would be really good for you to have someone else to focus on that wasn't your friend...?

[Mrconfused74]

I know it's probably best to walk away but there's the part of me that cares for her, as a friend because of the stuff she's going through. And even though she moans about her bf I doubt she'll walk away because I get the impression that she thinks no one else will want her. She was talking about him again today saying he's secretive. So yes it's highly unlikely this will never happen but walking away isn't so easy. Maybe if she seemed happier when I saw her but she alwAys seems down so I can't just go. And I was doing fine till this morning accepting it but we chatted for ages over coffee about all sorts but as I was talking she was looking right at me and kinda licked her lips, so my heads thinking about signs of flirting lol, as she was also playing with her hair??? I know I should forget it ever happening, but it's easier said than done.
Flirting with the guy is a good way of showing him, but in my situation I'm not sure if it's flirting on her part so this guy might be thinking the same, if you do flirt make it more obvious like touching his arm, or leg while talking, if you don't usually do this then it should be a sure sign to him.

[Nomad]

Poor you. Horrible situation to be in. And sounds like her bf is awful. Its so sad when you can see that someone needs something better but their self confidence is getting in the way. She is very lucky to have you. Although I still think you should be looking out for yourself I can't possibly know, but if you want my view from the outside and as a girl, I would say she enjoys the attention and you liking her, but that she wont want to act on it. And quite right too if she is in a relationship. Even if she is flirting, she is just doing that to keep you interested. It's horrid to say it, but it's likely to be true. If she is lonley and trapped and unhappy, she wont be realising how she is hurting you by behaving this way.

I sort of feel like you cant get out of your situation unless you start seeing someone else, or if you stop being a friend to her. So I guess it is a case of acceptance. Accept that you are going to feel frustrated and shut out and continue being a friend with those feelings. Or be straight with how you feel, tell her as a friend that you think she should get out and that she is worth more, and that you like her and find it hard to be just a friend.

Yowser! If only life were that straight forward eh!! What a scary thought. The europeans are much better at being direct. I kind of envy them.

Thanks for the advice, yes, I would need to be really obvious with him. Im not sure how. I've never been a flirter. But the old arm toucher is a good plan.

[Mrconfused74]

I wouldn't say he was awful, perhaps just not as helpful as you'd expect, I mean he practically lives there yet she has to ask him to do stuff to help out, I'd have thought after that long he'd be aware when she needs help, and the fact she works for herself and has the kids that would be more important to her.
I guess she could just like the attention, and I'm happy with that, i just have to keep telling myself that flirting is as far as it will go. She's quite open with stuff such as her finances, her relationship and stuff the sort of things you might open up about with any friend, but not one you've known for just a year. As I said I couldn't just walk away, not just because of how I feel, but because as I said, she has loads on her mind at the moment, and having some tough times.
I'm always happy to help others, if I can't listen to my own advice, maybe someone else might, and even benefit from it lol. Yeah the touching thing can be a good sign, but only if generally you don't do that sort of thing. This woman doesn't do that, she's not very touchy, apart from the time she almost tripped and grabbed my arm, but even I know that's not flirting lol. Hope it works out for you, who knows maybe in a few months one of us will be able to say things worked out !!!

[thewildchild]

I think sometimes it's fine to test the waters and see if a friendship can be something more. I know a lot of couples that started as friends, then later got married! I think if you're both cool about it and even if it doesn't work, you can still be friends.

[Mrconfused74]

Must admit, we never make it easy on ourselves, especially when what we see and what might be happening could be two different things??? Yesterday for example I knew she was planning to sort through her wardrobe, so when I see her later she gets out her car ( not unusual but she doesn't if it's cold and it was ) anyway she clearly had a new dress on, that I'd never seen before, and I did comment on that, even though she said it made her look fat, she still wore it, and came over? Was it nothing or was she saying please notice? The mind is good at over thinking!! Lol then today normal jeans and jumper and sat in her car, so I did go over, ( being myself ) as I need to be. And we again chat for ages even though I know she was in a rush!

[Nomad]

Its impossible to know for sure obviously, but from a woman's perspective there really may not have been much in the outfit. When you find something you forgot you owned, it can be fun to dress differently and make yourself feel good. Especially if you know people are going to notice you. There was probably subconscious intention in being noticed, by you and by others, but that the dress was not for you, it was for her in that way. The comment about making her look fat is classic girl comment. Can't take a compliment without counteracting it with something negative. Women are over complicated.
So she was saying 'please notice' - but she was saying it to everyone. I can't know, but I would say (even though it is easy to hope it was for you) that it was her way of getting attention in general that day. I'm sure she enjoyed your reaction. Not really fair of her to be honest. She probably hasn't thought about how much impact she might be having on you.
Great that you went to chat to her where you wouldn't normally though. And yes, so easy to over think things. I wish I could switch my head off sometimes! It doesnt matter how much we speculate over what someone else thinks, it wont get us closer to knowing what they think unless we speak to them directly. Its also dangerous to fantisise about how things might go, or to make presumptions about someones thoughts (negative or positive) as you can start to believe things that aren't true. I was in a long relationship in my 20s, and when I came out the other side I realised the reason I was so frustrated with it, and why he didn't make me happy was because it was the perceived version of him that I was in love with. He filled a 'type' of character and I bundled off down the road merrily filling the gaps with the character, rather than noticing the truths about him. For example he has a kind face so my brain filled in 'kind' as a characteristic. I never stopped to think whether or not her was, and was blind to clues that he wasn't. Sounds ridiculous, but can happen really easily on so many levels. And it is a result of a bad habit - that bad habit is over thinking and fantasising and projecting too far into the future. When this ex didn't miss me when i went away for a long trip I was hurt and devastated and confused. Now I know that I was baffled because the person I was in love with couldnt do any wrong, but that I hadn't seen the narcissist I was dating for who he was.

Might not make much sense, but i think its kind of related. Especially the tendancy to fantasise. I do it a lot, its nice to dream or imagine a scenario, but i have learnt that it usually just ends in heaert ache as you cant create the future, or bend nature (like we were saying before). A close friend of mine is a big culprit for this. She lives somewhere that means she is cut off a lot so doesnt socialise much, doesn't meet many guys, but does watch a lots of rom coms and dating shows, so when she does meet someone that lights her flame, she goes into over drive, over thinking and dreaming of the future, of how they will get together, the love that blossoms, and of marriage and babies. Obviously if you do this and then don't reach date two it can be overwhelming.

Jeese, dont know why I am waffling on so much! Not very interesting for you. I think i am procrastinating as I have a lot of work to do.. amazing how much there is to say when you are supposed to be doing something else!

Well, all i can say about your friend in her dress is - enjoy it for the moment it is. You enjoy seeing her in the dress and that is the moment. Nothing more or less. I'm going to try and do the same with my friend. Enjoy that I get to spend some time on monday, but not think about what that might mean, or lead. Its just some time in his company on monday.

[Mrconfused74]

I get what you mean, we imagine that things will be great so that's how we see things, even though in reality it's totally different. Like your friend, it seems like she thinks all relationships should be like a rom com and when it doesn't pan out that way goes back into herself. I guess we all have an ideal of what a relationship should be, and when it's not spend ages dissecting it in the smallest detail.
It's like if your not happy in a relationship, like this woman seems to be, you look for ways of making yourself feel better, getting the things you want from the relationship from elsewhere. In this case me, she's having a lot of issues and I'm there to talk it over with her, say things that perhaps her partner should be saying, and helping her with, but as I've said before he doesn't seem to be the helpful kind. So she's getting that from me. I guess that's what friends do, maybe she is playing up to it like with the dress. I get what your saying in that she found it and decided to wear it to get noticed, but where we park isn't where a lot of people go, there is more places she could stand to get noticed, so whilst it may well have been for my benefit, it wasn't in the way I thought. Yes she wanted a reaction and she got one, but I don't understand why she would make the 'fat' comment? I use to go over to her but stopped, but now I do even if it's just to say hi.
We all over think things, and while it would be easier to just ask it's not always possible!!! And as a result we see stuff that's not there. Thanks for the female perspective, it does help, I could be gone for a while, just accepting it as friends then something little could happen, and back to thinking again, it would be simpler if you could switch your brain off for a bit. Enjoy Monday.

[Nomad]

Some people would say that girls and guys cant be friends. She is definitely leaning on you, and filling in the gaps missing from her relationship like you say. But not terribly fair on you. She may feel that you can always walk away if it is difficult for you and is leaving it up to you to protect yourself which makes sense.
I've made that 'fat' comment before. Even though I am not. I think it's a mix of feeling insecure (ie if you dress up you are going to attract attention, you are making a 'look at me' statement and therefore you need to look perfect or people will judge you.. sounds mad, but this happens in my head. So by saying something negative about the way you look, saves you from someone else saying it or thinking it before you, you are beating them to it and saving yourself hearing it from somewhere else. Mad? Probably, but true) mixed in with wanting a compliment... if you say 'i look fat' and you don't, the other person will say 'dont be ridiculous you look lovely'. Even if you do look a bit squidgey, they will still say it as everyone is so polite and british!!!

ANyway, you say you might be away now so I wont waffle on. But I just wanted to share the outcome of my uncertainty from the other thread... I was questioning whether or not to say something or stay quiet to my friend. I did say something yesterday, I braved it! The outcome is good so Im really glad I spoke my mind. I just hinted that it had bothered me when he was talking about ex girlfriends and I felt I wanted to be honest that i had felt that. He has said that it would be the same for him and he appreciated my honesty. Nature will take over now and what ever the outcome is meant to be, which ever way it goes, at least the door is open now. Its good to be open and honest. Fortune has favored the brave!!

All the best

[Mrconfused74]

I think I've known for a while that she likes not just the attention but also that someone is listening to her problems and caring. And I'm happy to be there, I can't walk away from someone that's having problems like she is, and is be the same for anyone I knew. As for the fat comment I still don't get it, I did say she looked fine, and even pointed out that it was a dress is never seen before, so she knows I'm noticing her in more ways than just a friend. But yesterday brought something new. So I saw her in the morning and she waved as usual, but after school was different.i thought she wasn't there as the space in front of me where she always parks was empty, her daughter walks past round the corner, minute later her car appears and she's with her bf she does look my way I'm about 10 yards away and she knows my car but didn't wave at all! Just drove off, then today she's alone and waves. Only reason it's weird is because she told me he knows I go for coffee and even went out once with her, so why would it be an issue?
Great to hear you spoke up and that its all worked out, and hopefully will work out for you, the fact he's acknowledged it shows he's interested, and cares about your feelings. Good luck but take it as it comes I'm sure it'll work out for you, and thanks for continued replies x

[Nomad]

Yes, it does sound as if she is worried what her partner will think of your presence. Sounds also like he doesnt actually know about you going round. Be careful... potentially explosive situation. If he is bad to her emotionally or otherwise she may be being extra careful, doesnt want to give him a reason to set off. either way there is some serious trust lacking there - a very unhealthy relationship by the sound of it. As you have said, you have made it clear that she is more than a friend so she will be sensitive to that whether it is reciprocated or not. Its a hard one as if she is enjoying the attention, she will keep responding positively to the vibes you are giving her, until the point she has to act on it. If she was not in a relationship i would suggest bringing up the elephant in the room and being clear on that once and for all. As it is, sounds like you had better keep your distance. Someone in the 3 of you is going to get hurt otherwise.

I met with my friend and we are both guarded and careful - partly because i have some serious issues with fear of intimacy that i am working on (too soon for me perhaps), but also because we are both naturally protective of the amazing friendship we have built up. Outcome: to hang out more

[Mrconfused74]

Since that day apart from the odd wave or hello we haven't spoken. And it's the first time I'd ever seen him let alone come up to the school, but like I said it was weird. I mean if she had told him like she said, and she never gave the impression he had an issue with me going for coffee, or the morning we went out, she said he was fine with it. Maybe there is a simple explanation, but knowing her and what I know if the relationship it's just not right.
I'm not sure it's explosive because she really isn't the kind to take rubbish from anyone, although if she's scared of being alone he may well play on that. I understand about keeping my distance but that wouldn't be me 'bring myself' so would ask how she is given the opportunity but I understand where your caution comes from. But If she says he's fine with it why should I doubt that.
It's tough when you become such good friends, and one or both of your feelings go to the next level, hell if it wasn't this thread wouldn't exist. But I entirely understand where your coming from. I've had and I guess still do have issues around intimacy and relationships, but that's a whole other story. So it's natural instinct to be protective. I guess for both of us it is and has been a case of wait and see, but either way we will have a great friend or great partner !!