Graphic messages from fiance to a MAN

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Graphic messages from fiance to a MAN

Postby lully » Sat Oct 17, 2015 2:03 pm

I recently found very graphic messages from my fiance to a man he used to share a house with. When I confronted him about it he told me the whole story - at the age of 32 he was unsure of his sexuality and decided to move in with this man he had met online to see if they could make a go of it. It didn't work out and in the meantime he met me (25 y/of female) and we fell madly in love. I was practically living in this house with him and this man, me thinking they were just roommates, before moving into our own place. A year later we got engaged and are due to be married next October.

But now these messages reveal that they are still in touch, talking about doing very intimate things together with my fiance saying he wished they could have tried harder to make a go of it. He says he doesn't know why he sent those messages and that nothing physical has happened between them since we have been together.

I am so incredibly confused. Never in a million years would I have thought he was bisexual but that isn't what is tearing me apart. It's the sense of betrayal, regardless of with a man or woman, and although they did not act on their messages, it certainly sounded like they wanted to.

I love this man so much, we were planning our entire lives together, having children, the works. He says he is incredibly sorry and that he loves me and still wants to do all of those things with me. I believe him but how could I begin to move on when I don't even know how to process this? I feel like I don't know who he is.
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Re: Graphic messages from fiance to a MAN

Postby David020549 » Sun Oct 18, 2015 7:25 am

I think this revelation will continue to prey on your mind, you will never be sure that you can trust him whatever he says. As you are 25 and no kids are involved, although it's going to hurt its best if you separate. Having a bisexual boyfriend is going to complicate life a great deal unless you love him enough to tolerate his gay relationship(s), men don't usually change their behavior and he will quite likely have gay episodes in the future.
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Re: Graphic messages from fiance to a MAN

Postby lully » Mon Oct 19, 2015 10:21 am

David020549 wrote:I think this revelation will continue to prey on your mind, you will never be sure that you can trust him whatever he says. As you are 25 and no kids are involved, although it's going to hurt its best if you separate. Having a bisexual boyfriend is going to complicate life a great deal unless you love him enough to tolerate his gay relationship(s), men don't usually change their behavior and he will quite likely have gay episodes in the future.


Thank you for your input Surely it shouldn't be his sexuality that is an issue though? I could probably get over the fact he is bisexual. Even if he was straight there is still the risk he would be unfaithful. I just don't think he is a healthy person as he has compartmentalised his entire life and I think that is the thing that frightens me the most.
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Re: Graphic messages from fiance to a MAN

Postby Mrconfused74 » Mon Oct 19, 2015 1:30 pm

You're right it's not his sexuality that is the issue, but part of it. Your also right that if he's going to cheat doesn't matter if it's with a guy or girl. But what he is doing is embarking on an emotional affair, he obviously is still unsure about his sexuality and in the current situation is likely to act on it. My opinion, is to postpone the wedding, and tell him he needs to seek help, be that a therapist or counselling, but he needs to be hit with reality, and postponing the wedding could well be it. Better to do that than get married and then have to deal with the consequences of the situation, especially if by that time you have kids. It can be overcome but deal with it now.
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Re: Graphic messages from fiance to a MAN

Postby lully » Mon Oct 19, 2015 5:52 pm

Mrconfused74 wrote:You're right it's not his sexuality that is the issue, but part of it. Your also right that if he's going to cheat doesn't matter if it's with a guy or girl. But what he is doing is embarking on an emotional affair, he obviously is still unsure about his sexuality and in the current situation is likely to act on it. My opinion, is to postpone the wedding, and tell him he needs to seek help, be that a therapist or counselling, but he needs to be hit with reality, and postponing the wedding could well be it. Better to do that than get married and then have to deal with the consequences of the situation, especially if by that time you have kids. It can be overcome but deal with it now.



This is exactly what I have said to him. He must get therapy and the wedding is definitely off. I'm not sure if I could ever get past this though, is it too massive of a thing? You are supposed to support the person you love but is this just too far to go? Is it worth the pain of trying to get through this if it doesn't work? I have no idea how to answer these questions.
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Re: Graphic messages from fiance to a MAN

Postby Mrconfused74 » Mon Oct 19, 2015 6:00 pm

Only you can answer those questions, but if you really feel that you can't get past it, then you shouldn't be together, if with therapy he can get past this, then maybe he could be the man you fell in love with. Lots of people have same sex feelings at some stage, and he's maybe living out this without the physical side. But as you say that is betrayal, but it's not something you can't over come. Start with the therapy and see how it goes.
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