Crush or obsession or something

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Re: Crush or obsession or something

Postby Nomad » Tue Oct 20, 2015 11:46 am

We will find even better friends and partners if we deal with our fear of intimacy! That is my mission... (sorry for speedy message, work is busy!)
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Re: Crush or obsession or something

Postby Mrconfused74 » Thu Oct 22, 2015 1:19 am

What a difference a few days make! So after nothing for a week, I see her park up some distance away, then I see her walking towards me, nice smile on her face, and we chat for ages, didn't mention the bf at all, but she did say she's been busy. Next day she parks next to me, I go over ( being myself) and we chat again, I mention the previous day about her getting out her car and walking over, as it's not something she would usually do, and she said ' it's so I could talk to you' ??? Head spinning at that stage. So then she's talking about work being really quiet and says she needs to find a rich man to look after her, I asked if she had that now she says ' no he's got nothing' is that a sign of a contented woman? Or one that's just in it for company? Chat more and she says about cleaning her car at a car wash I joke she could do it herself as I do mine with a jet wash, she says you can show me on mine? Joke or invitation to come over? To gauge how serious I said you make me lunch and I'll do it? She didn't say no but by that time needed to leave to get her eldest. So it's now half term and I've a week to wait to see what's next.
You're right we will find someone but right now I'm not sure I haven't already met them. Hope work eases up for you!
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Re: Crush or obsession or something

Postby Nomad » Thu Oct 22, 2015 4:07 pm

Im afraid I find it hard to see that is anything but just 'enjoying the attention' - if you jump to all her needs of course she is going to go with it. "Can i wash your car?" "Solve your problems?" "Keep you company?" "Compliment you?" - of course, yes please! Because she has a boyfriend so it is safe becasue she knows that you know she is taken. She's not giving you anything in return, you are doing all the giving. I'm really sorry, but I think she sounds like she is having her cake and eating it. I really hope I am wrong for your sake but that is how i see it. And more to the point why would you want to be with someone who bad mouths her boyfriend behind his back? If she is unhappy in her relationship she should leave. It does not say positive things about her. It does not show that she is able to be honest with herself which is a number one must when choosing a partner. I'm not saying it is her fault, we all have problems, but it is not an excuse to behave badly.

I've been in your shoes. Sometimes we can want something sooo much we put ourselves second, and ignore some giant red flags. The best thing you can do is put yourself first and the lucky person that finds you will respect you for that.
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Re: Crush or obsession or something

Postby Mrconfused74 » Thu Oct 22, 2015 4:19 pm

Thing is I know you're right. She had a jelly week so, comes over as she knows I'll make her feel good. She feels wanted with me I guess, and I'm certain she doesn't with her partner.
I get the feeling from her that she's making do, with him, if no one else wants her why be alone? Not good or healthy but, she needs that company, and what he doesn't provide, I do. But how do you just walk away? Or in fact do you? Being true to myself I know it's going nowhere unless I make a move and it either gets her to leave him, or she says she doesn't like me that way and I lose a friend? As I said I've a week without seeing her, and that break usually helps me, so I can concentrate on other things. Sometimes you just need someone to say, ' stop being a dick' it ain't happening, so you can move on. I guess only time will tell. But thanks for being there.
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Re: Crush or obsession or something

Postby snail » Thu Oct 22, 2015 4:45 pm

Nomad wrote:Im afraid I find it hard to see that is anything but just 'enjoying the attention' - if you jump to all her needs of course she is going to go with it. "Can i wash your car?" "Solve your problems?" "Keep you company?" "Compliment you?" - of course, yes please! Because she has a boyfriend so it is safe becasue she knows that you know she is taken. She's not giving you anything in return, you are doing all the giving. I'm really sorry, but I think she sounds like she is having her cake and eating it. I really hope I am wrong for your sake but that is how i see it. And more to the point why would you want to be with someone who bad mouths her boyfriend behind his back? If she is unhappy in her relationship she should leave. It does not say positive things about her. It does not show that she is able to be honest with herself which is a number one must when choosing a partner. I'm not saying it is her fault, we all have problems, but it is not an excuse to behave badly.

I've been in your shoes. Sometimes we can want something sooo much we put ourselves second, and ignore some giant red flags. The best thing you can do is put yourself first and the lucky person that finds you will respect you for that.


I'm afraid I agree 100% with this. You've been posting about this woman on here for a solid six months now... and absolutely nothing has changed in that time. You've known her for even longer than that. I think it's time to draw a line under this now. Go out and start dating again - find someone who can give you what you really need and want; love, sex, fun days out, cosy nights in. You're wasting your life on this.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Crush or obsession or something

Postby Mrconfused74 » Thu Oct 22, 2015 11:09 pm

I think I've said before, I've known deep down it won't go anywhere, I've just not been able to accept it. Sometimes you hang on to the hope that it'll change, or they'll notice you for what you could be rather than what you are. And either that friendship continues and gets stronger or it just fades, and you drift apart. As Nomad said she's been playing me along, and loved the attention, I on the other hand have been thinking with my dick not my head. So perhaps if I do cut back on giving her attention, offering to help etc, I'll know if she's a friend or just using me to boost herself, and feel good. Thanks for all the advice, hope I can help you out sometime.
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Re: Crush or obsession or something

Postby Nomad » Fri Oct 23, 2015 12:01 am

Its so hard to step away, but you need to do it for you Mr C - she will damage your self esteem further. You are telling yourself that you don't want to risk loosing the friendship as a reason to keep hanging on, but that is not a true friendship, friendships are two-way in the same way any relationships are. You have a kind heart and you want to find love and connection - its out there, don't close yourself off waiting for someone who is using you...
xx
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Re: Crush or obsession or something

Postby Mrconfused74 » Fri Oct 23, 2015 1:21 am

Nomad I know your right, but part of me just can't, I mean what if it was all in my head, and she was genuinely being friendly? I mean there's a woman I use to talk to a lot, and every time she did she would touch my arm, hold it for a second, and it did cross my mind that maybe she's flirting, but I wasn't like I was with this woman. I even met her again recently And went for a coffee, she didn't touch my arm or anything and I never felt like she was doing it for any reason other than to catchup. I know she's going through some tough times, and I know she has other friends she can talk too, and her partner should be there for her, but I can't just ignore her! Or do I just say ' look I think I've fallen for
You, and your with someone so maybe it's best we don't talk anymore' or do I just try and keep busy, and distracted if she's nearby? But that's not being me! I'm a genuine kind person, I can't just walk away. Or maybe I don't want to walk away? I know I'm kidding myself, but if I can just be a friend and accept nothing's going to happen after this long, we could be friends? Couldn't we? lol x
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Re: Crush or obsession or something

Postby Nomad » Fri Oct 23, 2015 1:13 pm

When you have to think about something so much, it means it isn't right. Life is for living and feeling joy and passion. This situation is just causing you angst and confusion. it's a no brainer. Snail was giving you tough love, but it's true, you have to accept and move on. How long are you willing to feel like this? Imagine one year from now and things being the same. Do you want that? Because it wont change unless you change it.

I'm going to say something else that you probably don't want to hear... this has got nothing to do with the feelings you have for this girl, it is to do with your relationship with yourself. Until you learn how to look after yourself, how to love and nurture yourself, then you will continue to feel lost and full of anxiety when connecting to others.

I know this is true as I am in the middle of my own mission and its finally working. Here's my quick story in the hope that it will help you - not that it is the same for you at all, but the story might help, who knows...

I have suffered from depression for 20 years. Its come with much pain for sure, but it has also pushed me to understand myself better. Depression is a curious thing, it is one part chemistry and biological tendency, and one part triggered through life's experiences. Over the years it has come in bouts of varying degrees but has been the norm. It was usually triggered by my fear of intimacy and difficulties connecting. I wasn't aware that was happening, and wasn't aware it had been created by emotional neglect as a child.

So it wasn't so much the depression ruling my life as the triggers, which were much more significant. I had never learned how to build self-worth, but I had learned how to build a barrier against vulnerability and in doing so lost touch with who I was.

I tried all sorts of things over the years, CBT was the most successful, but kept going through the same cycles. The about 4 years ago everything took a bad turn, both my parents got very ill, I got signed off work. I still wasn't really getting the root cause, as far as i was concerned i knew myself better than ever. At that time I took off to work overseas in an extreme job. It was something i had always wanted to do, but really I wanted to hide for a bit and create some distance from home. But I had not gone to 'find myself' as some people do. I did the opposite. I hid.

It wasn't until I realised how lost I was 3 years later that I came home, and THEN I started a journey to find myself (as cliched as that sounds, now i know what it means). At the start of this year I decided right... no more relationships for now, no more big life decisions... im not going to put any pressure on myself to 'be' something or do something, im just going to concentrate on learning how to know myself, and how to love that person. I made a decision to invest some money in serious therapy (not just the bargain basement or free counselors), to open my mind to looking back, to taking hold of the hand of the child that was neglected for so long, and to have no other mission other than to do that.

It is a long road, and I am only just a little way down BUT I can really see the difference, I am starting to break patterns, feel differently about things, and very slowly gaining self-worth. For the first time in my life. The only way I can do this is becasue I want to and I choose to. I think before I always thought something else would sort it all out. That suddenly someone would come into my life, or I'd find my calling or I'd have some sort of epiphany that made me feel valued and secure. We can only do that for ourselves.

Anyway - I've bored you for sure, but I just hope you can see that your difficulties with this girl are not routed in how she feels about you, it's about how you feel about you.
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Re: Crush or obsession or something

Postby Mrconfused74 » Fri Oct 23, 2015 3:04 pm

You don't bore me at all, in fact you've helped quite a lot, there are too many on here that would. I know it's me that had the problem, but it's the first time I've been like this with a woman. The loneliness doesn't help, and neither does my low self esteem. So far from it being an actual attraction it could well be that we are both seeking out the attention, and I've misinterpreted it as something more. Where as she is most likely feeling better and makes staying with her partner easier as she's getting everything she needs but from two people. I know I should walk, I know it's not healthy but believe me I'm a lot better than I was. I do need to keep myself occupied and distracted, maybe not allow myself to be so open to her, and it could well fizzle out. It's difficult to just walk away, maybe if her bf was more supportive I wouldn't need to be. And could just be a friend, maybe if he was we wouldn't be friends. I'm sure it'll all sort itself out but for that to happen, you're right I need to sort myself out too.
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Re: Crush or obsession or something

Postby Nomad » Sun Oct 25, 2015 11:19 am

Well hurdle number one is that you are aware that you need to do some work on building your self esteem. And that's the main hurdle. You just need to follow that up and take action. Everything else will take care of itself.
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Re: Crush or obsession or something

Postby Mrconfused74 » Sun Oct 25, 2015 11:33 am

Thanks, when you feel like this you take any bit of attention and magnify it 100 times, and see it for something it isn't. I just wish I hadn't felt this way as it's going to be hard to decide if I walk away, and if I do do I say why? Or just make excuses not to talk until she takes the hint. Or can I just be a friend, and help her by listening?
I've had lots of female friends over the years and this is the first time I've fallen for one. I mean I've flirted with girls and not thought omg they want to sleep with me or fancy me. So why this one? Anyway I'm unlikely to see her for a while so I can start working on myself. Thanks nomad how's things with you? x
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Re: Crush or obsession or something

Postby Nomad » Mon Oct 26, 2015 11:21 am

Yeah, I totally get what you mean. Perhaps try getting busy with something else for a while, meeting some different people etc, and then see how you feel about it. It is probably escalated by the fact it takes up a lot of your thinking time. And the more you learn about yourself, the easier it will be to hang around with the right people - people who are good for you. For example I hadn't realised that I had a pattern of attracting narcissistic people into my life. But now I'm onto it I know who to avoid. Now I am much more choosy about who I spend time with, or date. Basically the people that make me feel good and relaxed - not the ones who make me feel confused or uncertain or unhappy. All good with me thanks Mr C. Trying to keep focused on my work but the internet is so distracting!
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Re: Crush or obsession or something

Postby Mrconfused74 » Thu Oct 29, 2015 4:33 pm

That's just it, I'm not thinking about it all the time, this week ive hardly thought about her, other days I could be doing or watching something and she'll pop into my head. So I'm not obsessed in that way. More that I want something I know I can't have lol. But I'm going to keep busy and just see, if she says hello I'll talk but not to the extent as before in offering help etc, but as a friend I'll still be there for her family issues and that, which after all is what friends do, but ease up on the offering to do her car and that. You can't help who you fall for, but maybe it's why we fall for them that's the issue, being lonely and wanting company isn't a great basis.
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Re: Crush or obsession or something

Postby Nomad » Wed Nov 04, 2015 12:27 pm

You said it yourself - you think you have fallen for her as you are sooooo longing for the company and to have that 'something' with someone. We have all done it. Blinded and kidded ourselves through sheer need. I understand the pain of loneliness. There are all sorts of ways you can connect to people though. Hobbies, volunteering etc. Sounds cliched but it's true. And dating of course, consider dating, getting out there ;) - Would be good to take the focus off your friendship with her and wishing it was more. You are limiting yourself in other areas of your life. You feel like you need to give this lots of energy as she has carried you along and given you false hope, but life is full of so many potential friendships and connections...
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