Feeling low

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Feeling low

Postby johnay » Mon Oct 26, 2015 7:53 pm

Hi All, i have recently returned from two weeks holiday abroad and am feeling really rather low and tearful at times.. Its stupid for someone of my age i know but i have had spells throughout my life when i have felt down with low self esteem although Ive never sought any help for it. I really had a lovely time away on holiday but am not sure whether my wife did at all. We were abroad and i was out in he sun swimming and feeling just great. My wife mostly stayed inside most afternoons just reading and doing puzzles. Since we got back it has become far too obvious that things arent wonderful in our marriage and that we have got very out of sync as a couple.. Over the years we have changed such a lot and have very different likes, desires and interests. I suppose we mostly rub along fairly well together and are very good friends in many ways but there are times when i just find it very hard to keep it all going. I get to feel like im being taken advantage of and often ignored.. I know i should be very thankful for what we have as we have few worries but i want a close loving relationship.. I just want to be appreciated, fancied occasionally and not expected to make all the decisions in nearly everything..
A bit about me... Im out going and often fun. I keep fit for my age and go to the gym a lot and like to be out and about seeing things, going away and meeting people. Some folks find me very funny although i can be rather camp and get on some folks nerves.. I keep trim, am clean, smell nice and wear trendy clothes etc.. Around the home i do all the gardening, driving, hoovering, dusting, finances and most of the cooking, washing and decision making. I book all the holidays, drive us there, research everything, order the meals, pay the bills etc etc,. I suppose you get the message..i feel that if i didnt do it then we wouldnt go anywhere.
My wife is very inactive and has to be encouraged to go out for a walk or anything like that.. She irons, does some cleaning and empties the dishwasher. Mostly she does puzzles and reads.. When i get back from the gym at 9.30 am she might be out of bed and if she is she is watching telly and doing puzzles. She will still be doing puzzles at 10 pm.This endless puzzling has become obssesive to my way of thinking but she doesnt see it at all. She comes to bed much later than me and then starts reading on her kindle. I get up about 6.30 and she gets up about 3 hours later. She never does anything much until half ten at the earliest apart from puzzles. A bit of cleaning once a week for a couple of hours wears her out..sex has become unsatisfactory and happens about 3 or 4 times a month but is over very quickly because it does'nt happen very often. I always initiate it but it has to be when she comes to bed, lights out, no kissing, no talk and nighty on.. I love her but i just cant seem to be bothered to argue or make things any better any more.. A few years back i got fed up just sitting there watching her doing puzzles and crosswords that i started going out lots on my own. That resulted in a short affair with a man and have been somewhat unfaithful with men in the past. Im not ashamed of my bisexuality but know i should have made a bigger effort at the time to make my marriage work better..at that time i had such a boost to my self esteem but but those days are behind me now..i know i should be xpressing how i feel but i have done hat in the past.. Things may improve for a day or two and then its all back to square one. As the years have passed it all seems to have worsened and she is dragging me down at the moment without trying to. Im sorry but this seems to have been quite a rant but i dont seem to have anyone to offload to these days. Thanks for reading and for any comments
johnay
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Re: Feeling low

Postby David020549 » Mon Oct 26, 2015 10:58 pm

Johnay
Don't worry about it, you are happy doing your thing, she is happy doing hers, lots of couples are content just that way. You are outgoing enjoy it, invite her often, drag her along kicking and screaming occasionally she might even enjoy it. Be as attentive as you can but personally I would not get involved in house work or cooking, everyone needs to feel useful so don't undermine her by doing everything. It would be different if she was working long hours or had health problems but if she just has a sedentary demeanor I don't see any reason to do everything.
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Re: Feeling low

Postby johnay » Tue Oct 27, 2015 8:29 am

Hi thanks for the reply. I dont worry about it a lot of the time and do go out to do my own thing but sometimes i want more from my relationship. When i get a downer then it seems worse. I do drag her out as much as i can and try hard to get her to be active for her own well being. As for housework well i have always done it from day one. Ive tried to be a modern man and live the equal marriage. Its always been about doing my fair share and being supportive rather than underminig her. Many women post that they want this and thats the way to having a better relationship and sex life. From my experience however it seems that the more you do whatever your gender then the more the other person lets and expects you to do. Its also about how we were brought up too i suppose. I was brought up to do everything and to get on and do things when they needed doing. We had a smart, tidy, clean house and garden etc. Her folks were not house proud and hoarded stuff. It was a very cluttered and untidy home.. My wife is somewhat like that and lives in a lot of clutter. The place is clean but untidy and she finds it very hard to throw aything out. I try and keep things reasonably okay but i get down with it all. She buys new clothes and sometimes they will still be in the bag months later..
johnay
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Re: Feeling low

Postby Minna » Tue Oct 27, 2015 5:00 pm

Hi Johnay. I'm so sorry to read about your situation and how sad this has made you feel. I had a similar situation in as much as my husband (now ex) and myself were living together, but somehow alone. I described it at the time as the two of us living on either side of an unending glass partition. Being together, yet not together, is a miserable kind of existence.

It does sound as though you are not suited to each other at all. You are energetic, smart, with get-up-and-go, wanting to get what you can out of life, whereas she is a 'plodder' (do not mean to be rude, sorry), who is quite happy to let life take her where it will - she just drifts along with the flow. Absolutely nothing wrong with either of those types, but they tend not to get on with each other, exasperating one or the other, as you have shown in your posting.

I think, in your heart, you know that she will never change. She is who she is, and you are who you are. As mentioned in a previous post, one option if you want to stay together is for you to get on with your own life, doing what you want to do (your wife doesn't sound as though she minds this) and just accepting that things will continue exactly as they are for the rest of your lives together.

The drastic other option is that you divorce. It will be hard for you both, but it could mean that you would each find someone who lives their life in a similar way and would love to share that life - either living life to the full, in your case, or sitting watching TV with a cat on their knee for your wife. This would hopefully bring contentment and happiness to you both with your new partners.

I do wish you the very best in the future.
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Re: Feeling low

Postby johnay » Wed Oct 28, 2015 8:11 am

Hi Minna, i appreciate your reply.. I think you are right in many ways and i dont have many choices. I thought very hard about ending it all quite a few years back but it would have been a such a huge shock to my wife as im sure she doesnt feel like there are any problems at all. She has occasionally admitted that it must be hard work living with her but then again it must be hard living with me as well although most folks think i am very easy going. The other problem with that option is that she doesnt have any other family apart from me and our kids so would be very much on her own and she is not a very independent or self sufficient person. I also didnt want to break up my family.. I lost my mum very young and all i ever wanted was to have a stable family Of my own.
The best option is to carry on I suppose but i would like things to be better. You are so right in that my wife is a plodder just going with the flow and drifting. She is very clever but has never made much of her talents.. I have felt recently that i should have a serious row with her about many things to try and force a bit of change but this is out of character as we rarely argue or fall out at all. Shes also not a person who likes to be told what to do and will dig her heels in when challenged.. She also does not like change and will ignore things that really need to be tackled or sorted out in many aspects of her life.. I know if she goes very quiet that something is troubling her but she wont act or sort things out to make her concerns go away. That often prompts me to get on and do things that need sorting as the prevarication does my head in..I suppose i have created my own monster lol
johnay
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Re: Feeling low

Postby David020549 » Thu Oct 29, 2015 8:02 am

Johnay, you and I have very similar wives many of your points also apply to mine and I have long since given up trying to make her more adventurous. She is just happy being Mrs D, being involved with the family, having a nice house and garden, socializing with a few women friends, doing crosswords, soduko and reading. But she is no plodder, she is very intelligent and clever, she gets whatever she wants without making waves, there is no point in saying no, if I make a comment it will be considered then she will change her mind at least 3 times before making the sensible decision.
Myself, the adventurer who is given a wide freedom as long as I don't make waves, we are quite different personalities but do share the same values and aims in life, for which I count myself as very lucky.
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Re: Feeling low

Postby johnay » Thu Oct 29, 2015 7:31 pm

Hey David you are right in many ways and i suppose my wife has given me a certain amount of freedom over the years. I had a spell of being out all the time and not behaving well at all.. We finished work early so spend a lot more time together now which isnt a problem as we too share many similar interests. As ive said previously i should be thankful for what i have got and most of the time i am. Its just that i get downers and feel unsatisfied from time to time..i think that we have forgotten how to make the other feel good about themself..maybe i should make more of an effort to be complimentary about my wife. I do lots of little things for her and am always asking what she wants to do and where she wants to go. I organise little trips away etc.. I try very hard to get her away regularly as it seems good to break her routines
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