Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

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Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

Postby ceit27 » Tue Nov 03, 2015 6:28 pm

Looking for some impartial advice here as I'm getting told what I should/shouldn't put up with by friends, and I feel they're too close to me to give the best advice.

I met my boyfriend online almost 5 months ago. We were speaking for around 2 weeks (and by that I mean, 3/4 hour phone calls every night). We mutually agreed to delete our online profiles before we met up, and once we met, he asked me straight away to be exclusive. We have a great relationship, I literally feel like I'm talking to my best friend, and we have such a great connection. But we barely get to see each other.

We talk on the phone, or Skype every day for at least an hour, most of the time it's 2 -3 hours or more, and has been throughout our whole relationship. He works odd shifts, and that makes it hard to see each other, but I'm lucky if I see him once a week at the moment. For the most part, we see each other fortnightly, which I don't feel is enough as I miss him. He says he feels the same, but he wants to take it slow and build a strong foundation. I get that, but why does that mean not seeing each other through the week?

We've both met each others friends and family, and he has met my children, and they get on amazingly, but he has been frequently putting off introducing me to his child. I understand that to an extent, but at the same time, it feels as though he's happy to be in a relationship with me provided it's on his terms. He has said that he'll introduce me after 7/8 months when he's sure of where we're going. That comment hurt as he has told me that he knows we will work out, and has spoken about a future together on numerous occasions. The last comment about his child has made me wonder if he's just telling me what he thinks I want to hear.

I know 4/5 months is not a huge amount of time to be hoping we're both sure of the relationship, but the amount of time we've spoken I feel so close to him, but I feel he pushes me away to an extent by not making more of an effort to see each other.

Am I wrong to expect a bit more at this stage?
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Re: Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

Postby Mrconfused74 » Tue Nov 03, 2015 8:08 pm

To be fair I think you're over thinking it, it's more than acceptable to wait to introduce you to his child. He perhaps doesn't want them to get attached because as we know relationships go wrong. So he's protecting them from potential hurt. He may also have issues, without any background he might have been hurt in the past, cheated on, or introduced s partner to early and its upset his child. Give it time say u understand the child thing, but you'd like to see him maybe an extra time a week, it seems to me there is something else worrying you?
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Re: Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

Postby ceit27 » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:11 pm

Thanks for your reply. I understand waiting to meet his child, it's more that he keeps putting a longer time frame on it, and has given me excuses up until now when he said he wants to be sure of us. I'm more hurt that he didn't just come out and be honest about his reasons.

We seen each other more at the beginning as he was off work, now he's back we see each other less. He says it will happen in time and if we take it slow it'll be stronger. Which would be fine, but we've met each others friends and family, we've spoke about a future together, but he can't find time in a week to even go for a coffee or lunch. It just makes me wonder if he's telling me what he thinks I want to hear but doesn't ever intend to go out his way to be with me.

His ex and he had pretty much separate lives I've been told by his friends, and they've said they think he'll find it hard to be in a normal relationship. He has said that's what he wants with me, but it'll take time.

I'm trying to be patient but it feels like we take one step forward and five back.
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Re: Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

Postby Mrconfused74 » Wed Nov 04, 2015 9:07 am

So his friends have told you he will find it difficult to have a normal relationship, and they know him best, so why are you concerned? He's obviously had problem relationships before and wants to make sure it's right before committing, surely bearing in mind he had a child is the sensible thing to do? And if course when he was off work he had more time to be with you, and now he's working he can't, would you rather he didn't work and spent all his time with you?
How long does he work, how many days! On his days off dies he spend with his child? There are questions still unanswered that could make things slot clearer. Do you live close to each other, do you work? So many things get in the way of a relationship specially the older you get, and if you already have kids.
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Re: Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

Postby snail » Wed Nov 04, 2015 12:03 pm

How close does he live? When dating a man with children it's normal in the early days to see him once a fortnight, as he will normally have his child the other weekend. Does the child live with him? If so, then he can only really see you when it is at its mother's.

Even if he does believe your relationship will last, he may feel obligated to do what's sensible with regards to the child (and the mother may well have a strong opinion on that too - he may not want to cause trouble).
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Re: Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

Postby ceit27 » Thu Nov 05, 2015 12:40 am

I know it's hard as he has been working extra shifts, and usually has his child on his weekday off, and the weekend he doesn't work, again, he's with his child. Which is fine, I would never expect him to put me over that time no matter what. He lives reasonably close, but it is around 1 - 2 hours travel without a car, and he has said he hates having to ask me to pick him up.

We talk a lot, and have a good connection, and he's almost always the first to make contact, or suggest meeting up. I have spoken to him about how I feel, and gave him the option to end things but he said he didnt want that. I don't want to push him away by continuing to bring this up, but I miss being with him. He keeps telling me we'll build up to seeing each other more, and he doesn't want a once a week relationship (not even that atm). I guess I just feel his actions aren't backing up his words and it's all just whatever I need to hear to keep me sweet. All my friends are telling me to let him go, its just nice to hear someone else's view on things. Particularly a man.
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Re: Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

Postby Mrconfused74 » Thu Nov 05, 2015 9:12 am

So you know he spends a lot of his spare time with his child, which you say you can accept, but it's clear you can't, as you want to see him more. He isn't local and by the sounds of it he doesn't drive, so it's not easy to just meet up for lunch or a coffee. You talk a lot which is good as you are getting to know a lot about each other, which many couples don't when they start a relationship. And it also shows that he isn't just interested in sex, otherwise he'd want to meet all the time. You really need to ask yourself, would you rather a guy that has a steady job, and what seems to be a great dad, or a guy willing to blow off work and his kid to see you? Relationships do need to be worked on, the fact he doesn't want to end things is a good sign, but if you want to see him more, then you may need to say you don't mind driving to see him, even if it was for coffee. You'd just like to see him.
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Re: Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

Postby snail » Thu Nov 05, 2015 12:28 pm

I can see your point, but I wouldn't end this relationship over this if it were me. Less than 5 months really is early days.

Mrconfused74 wrote: you may need to say you don't mind driving to see him, even if it was for coffee. You'd just like to see him.

I think this is a good idea.
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Re: Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

Postby ceit27 » Thu Nov 05, 2015 5:34 pm

I have suggested that, and I usually pick him up if he's coming to mine to save time or taxi fare. We spoke a couple of weeks ago and I felt we were getting somewhere, I agreed to be patient, as I think what we have is worth it, he agreed to try to make some time for us. I was happy with that, as at least he was trying. But we went to his friends house over the weekend and his friend and gf got involved in asking how things were going. I said it's good, but this weekend is the first we've seen each other in 3 weeks. Both the others agreed that wasn't ideal, and got into a discussion about it. My bf originally said he'd try to swap a couple of shifts around, otherwise I probably wouldn't see him till mid December, and it came out that he wasn't trying to change the shifts. I am trying to see his point of view, but he has admitted himself, he finds it hard to show his feelings. But that makes it hard for me when we aren't seeing each other as I have no idea how he's feeling, or what he's thinking most of the time.

To make things worse, I was abused as a teenager, and didn't really deal with it until a few years ago. Most of the time I'm fine, but I literally bumped into my abuser on Saturday and drank too much at the friends house, and when my bf and I got into talking about things, somehow all my feelings came flooding back and I got really upset. My bf told me to open up and talk to him, and I so want to, but I don't know how when he can't open up to me. I know that upset him as I have been very open about everything else, but how do I talk to him about something I've only told a couple of close friends about when I don't feel secure in his feelings for me? We usually talk most nights, and other than a 2 minute call yesterday, he hasn't been in touch since the night after I got upset. I had spent the day with him, had dinner with his parents and he called me once I was home and asked me to talk about it again. I said I would, but wasn't ready yet.

I don't know where to go from here, I don't want to keep pushing him, but I hate missing him and feeling so unsure of us and his feelings about me. And I want to talk to him about why I was upset, but don't want to do that until I feel we are solid and secure. I should add, he hates relying on me picking him up or driving to his, I've said I don't mind, but he hates to ask.
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Re: Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

Postby Mrconfused74 » Fri Nov 06, 2015 4:57 pm

Did you tell him you really don't mind driving over to see him?
I think what you need to decide is what it is that bothers you the most? You say you talk a lot, and you must have learnt a lot about each other, and maybe hearing that you were abused has hit him a bit, and he's not sure how to react. How much did you see him when he was off work? Maybe suggest a few days together over Xmas, or when he's next off. If you bombard him with info, and questions you could well end up pushing him away. So you need to concentrate on one area at a time. Then take it from there.
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Re: Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

Postby ceit27 » Fri Nov 06, 2015 5:53 pm

Yes I have said I don't mind at all. I didn't tell him about the abuse at all, just said it wasn't him, I just had other stuff going on and I'd talk to him about it when I was ready to. It's not something I want to talk about with him until I'm sure of how he feels and where we're going.

When he was off I seen him when I didn't have my kids. They went away for a week and he spent a few days through the week with me then too as I hadn't introduced them yet at that stage. He has said he'll spend as much time with me as possible while he's off, and has promised if he can't find any real time before then we'll at least grab a coffee if that's all he can manage. I think I need to give him some space and let him come to me when he's ready. My real problem is I miss him, sad but true. And because he's so bad at showing how he feels, and I guess not used to having to think of someone elses feelings if he doesn't get in touch, or have free time on his hands, I feel as though making no time for me is him rejecting me, where maybe it's just him doing what he's always done. Having all my friend, and his! Telling me I deserve more than what he's offering right now isnt helping me look at things from his point of view, so I really appreciate your unbiased thoughts and advice on this. I guess if we're as good together as I think we are, it'll all come good in time.
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Re: Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

Postby Mrconfused74 » Fri Nov 06, 2015 6:59 pm

As you already stated, his last relationship they lived separate lives almost, so it's true that it might just be what he's used too. If you really want to know like u say let him make the effort, let him contact you, it'll show u how interested he his. Someone on here told me, sometimes you need to take a step back, try to busy yourself with other things, and just let things happen.
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Re: Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

Postby johnay » Fri Nov 06, 2015 9:12 pm

It strikes me that your relationship has been developing quite well and that you have been communicating successfully so far. As you both have quite a lot of commitments its not going to be that easy to have quality time together. Well done for the way you both have handled it so far but it is a shame that you cant have that bit more time together..Maybe you could try organising a few date nights in advance so you know when you will see him even if those dates are weeks away.Its seems obvious that he is caring as he wants to chat through your upset and know more about your past even if it is painful. You said he doesnt open up much but he obviously wants to be supportive the way i read it..
It might be a good idea just to send odd texts stating that you miss him every so often . Men do enjoy feeling special for someone. Odd short little complimentary messages may encourage him to give you more attention when youre both busy in your lives..men do need prompting from time to time although many dont want to be bombarded lol.. Heres hoping you get to see him soon
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Re: Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

Postby ceit27 » Fri Nov 06, 2015 9:43 pm

I have taken a step back this week to be honest, and we spoke last night and he had a few tongue in cheek comments about something he'd seen on TV that made him think of me (which he'd paused and snapped a photo of to send me) so I hope that's a good sign. I was thinking of asking him to have a look at what he has on to try and schedule a date, but he has his wee one this weekend, and next, so think I'll save that suggestion for a week or so to see if he comes up with something. We generally have a laid back, wind each other up, playful relationship, but he has said he likes seeing my softer side when I tell him I miss him or can't wait to see him etc. Provided, as you say, its not constant. So hopefully with you guys suggesting the same, thinga are on the right track and we'll find a way to meet somewhere in the middle. God, when did relationships become so hard!
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Re: Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

Postby Celebritydiscodave » Sun Nov 08, 2015 11:39 am

I have read your first post. Only so much information is required. It does n`t have to confuse his daughter, for he merely has to take the time over your introduction, as a friend, necessary for her to accept you, or not. It could be, however, that he has already caused her turmoil over a multitude of failed relationships from his past.
Yes, it is indeed possible to mimic emotion, even empathy. It is only possible to know the nature of love for certain once that love has been ultimately tested, whether it be genuine, or, merely self-love. His love has in all probability been tested in his past. To go there try Facebook. I`m not suggesting that he is one, but Sociopaths can be masters of deception. He may be highly vulnerable, needy, inadequate, and dysfunctional, beneath what might only prove to be a temporary desperate charade - He could be a women beater. You require specific information in my view, and through some actual testing, before you can be certain of his true nature. If he is demanding/needy above the average then he is statistically far more prone to becoming a problem. I cannot answer your question yet.
Last edited by Celebritydiscodave on Sun Nov 20, 2016 11:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
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